Chapters

Cold Sweat...

2012-01-20T09:03:00.002-06:00

Today is a day for rejoicing because it's the start of another year together with DW. Happy Anniversary, Bud. I would meet you on the Courthouse steps all over again any day of the week. :-)

I just realized how long its been since I last posted but if this blog is anything, it's proof of life as we know it. Its a busy time for both of us right now...DW for his industry and, of course, in the training industry. People are still feeling bad about the thousands and thousands of extra calories they ate over the holidays. Ha!

Honestly, though, I'm appreciative. It's been a while since I've had a full training clientele and, even though I'm still in the rebuilding process since our move to Birmingham, I'm starting to feel like I actually belong somewhere again.

As for new things in our life, DW and I have started the process of walking forward with foster care preparation classes. Yikes. Warning: before you get excited or feel any emotion whatsoever for us, keep reading because I'm totally unsure as to how I feel about it.

Last night was our first class and, unfortunately, DW was out of town for work. And I say unfortunately because it would have been nice to have him there when the crap hit the emotional fan. There I was, sitting in class with my 2 inch thick binder full of information, pen in hand, taking notes. LOTS of notes. "This is just information-gathering," I tell myself. "You aren't committing to anything yet." But tell that to my heart which apparently has a mind of it's own with regard to commitment of any sort.

Cue palpitations. Sweating. Pressure in my chest. The lady was talking but it wasn't long before I started hearing "Wah-wah-wah-wawawawa" instead of words. Charlie Brown's teacher was standing at the front of the classroom.

I'd love to tell you I sat there and thought, "This is SOOOO what I want to do." but I would be lying. Instead, I sat there praying, "God, if this is where I'm supposed to be...help me to know because I am FUH-reaking out right now."

I text DW..."I feel sick..."

And he responded, "You're good." He knew where I was so he didn't even have to ask what I meant by "sick", I guess.

I couldn't decide whether I wanted to punch him or hug him for that reply. Punch was my first thought because he's always so. dang. calm. and rational. But then I immediately wanted to hug him because he's always so.dang.calm. and rational. I mostly love this about him but sometimes...well, anyway. You know I mean.

So back to the sound of my heart beating so loudly it felt like rushing wind in my ears...

So, um, yeah. Next up, I hear, "Let's go around the room and tell who you are and why you're here." And, of course, I'm on the side of the room where I'll pretty much be close to last. I get to listen to each couple represented tell who they were and then most of them proceeded to tell how they were sure this was for them because of X reason.

I'm not joking when I say I shut my information binder and stacked up my stuff to leave.

But then I decided to act like a grown up and told myself, "You will keep your lily white hiney in this chair." It's my turn. I feel my cheeks catch on fire as I say...

"Hi, I'm Amy Walker and my husband couldn't be here tonight. Unlike many of you here, we/I are actually just pursuing more information right now. We are taking some baby steps forward and just asking God to open and close doors as He sees fit. This is just a "first step" in that process for us."

There is nodding and I breathe again when they move past me.

I made it through the class...but the second my butt hit my car seat, I fear-cried the whole way home. This is a big, huge, overwhelming responsibility we are considering. This is taking on children who are in the system because they've been abused and/or neglected or they were born addicted to drugs, or they've been sexually molested. This isn't something I know how to take lightly. IF we do this, it will only be because God has given us a clear call to do so.

I HATE that it's so easy for me to find so many reasons to be selfish and/or afraid.

This will be too emotionally hard.

What if I get a call in the middle of the night to accept a child and I have a 5 a.m. appointment the next morning and DW is out of town for work?

What if I fall in love with a child and then they are taken away?

And my greatest fear: What if I can't fall in love with a particular child?

I'm not a great and unselfish person. I'm just not. And I'm sure I could find plenty of people who would agree with that. I've shared my faults on this blog as much as I can along with the good in my life because I feel like everyone struggles and it would be just plain dumb to pretend otherwise. Love me or hate me...what you see is what you get.

And I say that to lead up to saying this small slice of horribleness: I'm not someone who loves every child. I have met children I love so much I want to take them home and make them my own and I have met children that make me want to chew birth control like candy. (Well, pretending I even needed birth control for the sake of taking creative liberties.) I would love to tell you I have the character to realize a child is a child and they all have different strengths and different "needs" rather than weaknesses. And I do in my head...but translating that to the way I live is a different story. But that is all part of my process, my journey...and I absolutely know that God will enable me to love all children if this is what He is leading us to do.

There are so many more questions for me than answers right now and I just need time to process. I not looking for suggestions or advice, honestly, although I recognize that by publicly sharing our journey that may be part of it. So I guess it's good that the class is 9 weeks long.

And in the meantime, I'd say a lot of praying for strength and for answers are in my future.

Date Night + Other Deets

2012-01-09T18:06:00.001-06:00

On Friday night, DW and I had a Double Date night with Bob and Greta at a local Mexican food place called Frio En La Paz. While we were getting ready for said date, I walked in the room and said to DW, "Show me your best sexy face..." and this is how the picture turned out. I guess sexiness is relative. Ha! And just because he ruined my sexy picture, I'm now sharing it with the world. Or with the 12 people that read my blog anyway. ;-)

After dinner, we headed to grab coffee at a coffee shop on our way to a bluff overlooking the city of Birmingham. How Bob and Greta knew about this, I decided, was because it must have been an old college makeout spot. Just sayin. But they were right, the view was beautiful and the night was juuuust chilly enough to be perfect to have the coffee.

Post dinner and former-college-makeout-spot, we ended up back at our house where I learned, we were in fact, taking the next step in our friendship because I hadn't picked up one thing all week and all of our furniture was rearranged because our dining room hardwoods were being re-stained since our roof leaked. Thank you roofing company for doing the right thing. It only took you 4.5 months. But that's neither here nor there. My point is, you know you're real friends when your house is a mess and you haven't vacuumed up the dog hair and you let them, after much bullying, come over anyway.

The good news is we got a thumbs up on our new couch for the den. Carter seal of approval.

In other news, I had several cancellations today for work so I made today THE day that I finally bit the bullet and painted our dining room and front entry the color I've been dreaming of since move in day. Let's just say that the color Dillweed is just as attractive as it sounds and I got tired of eating in a Dillweed dining room.

I'm quite happy with the results.

Speaking of happy, my stomach is not. DW and I went over his lunch break to our local Organic Market and picked up an Immune Boost for our lunch. This "Immune Boost" was a whole-food juice mixture that included but was not limited to the following: beets, carrots, apple, ginger, lemon zest, garlic, and last but not least...cayenne pepper. Here is what we thought of that:

We are pretty sure that this is the concoction they use for Vampire movies when it looks like the characters are drinking blood. It did indeed look like we were having a good ol' gulp of O- for our lunch. And my stomach hates me. Have I mentioned that? Well, it does. There is a Gremlin living in there now, I'm pretty sure.

Finally, this should be considered my first post of 2011 that is getting back to the "basics" of sharing the day-to-day tomfoolery that is our lives...among other thoughts, spiritual questions and seeking, and other randomness.

The End.

Destination Ahead...

2012-01-06T11:27:00.001-06:00

I woke up this morning with a story on my mind...something my Dad told me several days ago that I had casually listened to but, when I woke up today, it was my first thought. The "word" that popped in my mind when I awoke was illumination.

When you're a military kid, time and people and places can all blend together and make your memories a blur. When I was about 11 years old or so, my Dad got a "call", if you will, to head out to Korea for some military-related work that didn't involve the family...just him going solo. Due to the nature of the trip, we didn't know a specific date when he would be back and, though it makes me sound ancient to say this, it was before the days of emails and cell phones. So as my Mom puts it, "...there were long stretches of silence."

In an effort to preserve her sanity and to help my brother and I understand when he would be home, we had this map that we looked at when he called to check in. Mom would pinpoint where he was for us along his path and we could see how far along he was in his West-bound journey "home" to us. Although we didn't know how long that journey would take exactly, it helped to know how much of it was left.

Toward the end of his trip West over the frigid North Atlantic, my Dad received a message from the crew who had departed in a plane before him. They had barely made it to their destination - his soon-to-be destination - due to lack of fuel. They landed with only 7 gallons of gas left...which would have lasted, oh, two more minutes. "It didn't make any sense..." my Dad explained. "We had done the "math" for the trip and their plane should have had plenty of fuel. The worst part was that no one had any answers as to what had happened." He finished, "I mean, math is math."

To add to that confusion, not long before, another plane had completely disappeared on this very same route. So, as you can imagine, this information created a huge amount of trepidation on the part of my Dad. One minor miscalculation and he could become nothing more than a ghost. As they were waiting on their plane to be refueled, my Dad said he kept looking at his watch, telling the others that if the time rolled passed 4:00 p.m., he absolutely would not take off. He didn't want to be over the North Atlantic at all really - but especially at night after the news he'd just received from the other crew.

Well, he said, we ended up taking off at 3:59 p.m. - so that really didn't solve his problem. Looks like this "leg" of the journey would be a dark, scary night of flying after all. Would he make it? he couldn't help but wonder.

As darkness closed in and they flew into the night, all the unknowns started to eat at him. What happened to the other plane that disappeared? Why did the guys before almost run out of fuel? If his plane crashed into the North Atlantic who could possibly reach him in less than 30 minutes? They couldn't survive in those waters longer than that. His mind raced and the darkness all around him began crushing in.

My Dad, who I would consider a straight-truth to a fault (sometimes) kind of guy, had to pause a moment before he could continue to speak. His brown eyes stared down at his hands and his voice wavered with controlled emotion when he said, "At that moment, in all of that overwhelming and complete darkness, I quietly cried out to God and said, "Lord, please give me something? You've got to give me something..."

All his control melted away and his voice cracked a bit as he said, "...and out of no where in the pitch black, I saw a light ahead, illuminating the airstrip where we were going to land." Just as the darkness had become too much, he had made it...and, more than that, in one of the darkest moments of his life, he felt God had clearly answered him.

I woke up this morning with more than a story on my mind. I woke up with a prayer in my heart based on that story. I asked God to show Himself tangibly to people in my life who feel displaced or unsure of the future right now...and I asked Him to meet them (and me) in our "low" moment. I'm asking Him to, like He did then, show us the "Light" that illuminates the destination ahead.

While this struggle I'm (you're) facing may surely feel like a long trip in a 2 engine plane...

...over the frigid North Atlantic...

...in the dark...

...where there is nothing to be seen around or even up ahead...

...where all that is known are the "coordinates" I've been given for the journey...

I try to remind myself this morning that I know the destination is somewhere safe and good...

...juuuuuuuust hang on long enough to get there.

I'm thanking God today for all that darkness right now in my life - and in the lives of those I care about - because I just know that the Light that will soon come will point and say, Now...

....look right HERE. This is your destination.

I (you) will not only feel relief and sweet release like my Dad did that day...I will see His great glory and know my Father more. Gives me chills to think about.

Seek His will in all you do and he will show you which path to take... Proverbs 3:6

Are You My "Just One" This Year?

2012-01-02T08:39:00.002-06:00

I'm pretty sure I've told the story already about the time in college when I invited a guy I was dating to go to church with me. He hadn't, to my knowledge, ever been to church before and, I'll admit it, I got really nervous and couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking. Well, I didn't have to wait long because during the part where we were singing a song called "Holy is the Lamb", he leaned over and said to me, "Um, what's so great about this lamb?" As in Baaaaaaaaaa...cuddly little lamb.

That moment will always stand as a very defining moment in my Faith. As I sat there and viewed the world and Christianity through his eyes, I saw how N-U-T-S it must look. In his mind, all he saw were these people standing around and singing about an animal? That wasn't what was actually happening obviously but how could he possibly know that sometimes Christians refer to Jesus as the Lamb of God. Or WHY we refer to Jesus as the Lamb of God. And especially why that's worthy of singing about.

I am SO. SO. SO. thankful for that experience.

Since that moment, I have had the ability to see Faith through the eyes of both my personal beliefs and what it must look like to someone who hasn't ever heard, what I would consider, the Good News. I'm always looking at the Bible with two sets of eyes...how do I read and receive this as a Believer? And how can I help the one who hasn't heard all the Christian "jargon" before wade through all the fluff to understand what's really important?

The only thing I feel 100% capable of doing, at all times, is pursuing an authentic relationship with God myself and consistently acknowledging that my love for God is great...but my ability to fail and disappoint others is also great. I've mentioned in the past, I'm not a Christian because I just drank the KoolAid.

Transitioning just for a moment, I typically don't do resolutions but I've changed my mind and I'm going to do one this year. Wouldn't it be a miracle if I just said something straight out? Well, here you go: my point in a nutshell. I plan to spend my year praying and asking God for a "Just One". At the challenge of our Pastor yesterday, I'm praying for "just one" person this year who comes to desire a relationship with Him because they found proof of Him in my life somewhere, somehow. That would be what our Pastor called a "No Lose" Resolution...and I agree.

The End. You can quit reading now if you want. The rest are just my personal thoughts I'm writing for the "record book".

Let me bottom line this whole thing. I was recently talking to someone who was not a Christian and we were having a very open dialogue about Faith. She asked me how I could believe in something so outlandish, in a sense, and I had to smile and say, "How could I not?"

I believe, first of all, because I am personally convinced. The more I study the Word, you'd think I'd find more reasons to not believe. I mean, it's an old book. Surely there would be plenty of discrepancies and loopholes that would make me see that being a Christian is sheer lunacy. But, in fact, the opposite if true. The more I study, the more I realize how consistent God is.

In my mind, I can't figure out how I can "lose" by being a Believer. Let's just pretend for a moment that it's 100% not true. Let's say I spend my life loving someone who isn't really there and I spend each morning reading a really old book with a great cup of coffee.

Meh, so what?

I would say, in that case, that in my darkest moments and hours, I have been given the gift of believing that there is something more to life...there is purpose in these daily struggles and glory in the moments of joy. Also, as I read and study the Word, worst case scenario, I learn more about being a better person. I become less selfish, more forgiving, and I develop deeper values and stronger convictions for how to treat others. So I ask, have I really lost anything? At most, I've lost relationships with those who can't tolerate that I'm "dumb enough" to believe in something I can't see.

At the end of it all...when my life is over and I get buried in the ground...what if I find there is nothing but dirt and darkness? I ask you this: what have I lost? I'll be dead. The End. My pride won't hurt even a little that I was wrong, I promise you.

But what if, at the end of it all, I was right? That there is More? That I spent my life loving a God who sacrificed His most precious Son in my place so that all that was wrong with me could be made right? That I read an Old Book that was able to show me more about how to be a more quality, Christ-like person? Even if Jesus was only a good man, what would be so wrong with wanting to be more like Him? What could possibly be wrong with loving my neighbor as I love myself or respecting my father and mother? Or not wanting what my neighbor has? Or learning to be content with what I have? Or giving my "extra" to the poor and less fortunate?

If it's all true, as David Platt said it best: "How unloving do I have to be NOT to tell people about that Good News?"

So I pray and ask that this year, as I share my life in general, somehow YOU (my "just one") whoever you may be, will feel the Pull and won't be able to ignore the Call. I pray that each time you hear me talk about my Faith...deep down...you'll know its not because I lack intelligence or because I'm weak and need something to depend on. I'm asking that, for all the things that you can say to yourself about why you shouldn't believe, HE will show you five more for why you should.

Looking Back...And Moving Forward.

2012-01-01T07:59:00.002-06:00

It's that time of year where you can't help but look back at where you've been for the last 365 days and make grand predictions about who you will be in the next year, what you will do, and what you won't do. I mean, it's only natural that each year brings with it the opportunity for a "do over" and I'm thankful for that. I love brand new starts with the same passion and intensity that I love clean sheets straight out of the dryer. And that's a lot.

In the last two weeks, I've spent a lot of time just enjoying the holiday season and my time with my parents and DW - first in Texas - and then now here in Alabama on our own stomping grounds.

I'm especially thankful for one more year with this old man:

If I was a comic book super hero, Tucker is the all-important sidekick and constant companion. As in Batman and Robin. Or if we are going with colors here, we go together like Salt and Pepper. Just saying. 13 years and 4 months ago, when I stopped my car to let the kids I was nannying play with a couple black lab puppies, I had NO idea that the one with the huge feet and oversized ears would sit quietly at the back of the play area while his brothers and sisters knawed each other's limbs off and would proceed to lock onto my eyes, willing me to take him home. He wasn't playing with the others - even then he was King Tuck.

While my parents have been here, we found the perfect couch for our "football" room as DW likes to call it. It's really the Den off of our kitchen but he likes to joke that its a perfect place to sit and watch TV and still be able to say to me, "Woman, bring me something to eat." Uh huh. Good thing he's so dang cute when he's being mischievous.

Anyway, it was the last piece of furniture we needed to complete all the rooms in our house. And DW is going to make me the coffee table (to scale for our room) that you see in front of the couch. Woop!

And who better to end the year with than my sweet, beautiful Mom! I finally convinced her to take a picture with me...another milestone for 2011. ;-)

2011 has its fair share of ups and downs as any year does. I started 2011 feeling absolutely broken after "surviving" another Christmas season without a child of our own. But the Lord showed me, in the most unusual way, that He was (and is) faithful and He had not (and has not) forgotten me. A month later I was in Australia and He showed me how life is filled with unimaginable opportunities and gifts that I would have missed out on had Life gone "according to plan". In 2011, we finally made it Home to Birmingham after six years of hoping we would "one day" be able to get back here. And speaking of Home, we bought our 1954 fixer upper dream house here. We have had so much fun changing things and renovating and planning for "what's next".

In 2011, the Lord began a long, long process of showing me that I desperately needed to learn what true forgiveness...HIS kind of forgiveness looked like. It started with a study on Luke 7 and culminated in an event where I learned I am able to forgive as Christ forgives but ONLY by and through His grace and power. It's still a choice every day and a discipline I'm working on.

I learned that I shouldn't try to always "make sense" of what I think He is doing on my terms. And that the best place I can be is inside His will and "in the boat".

In 2011, I learned that no matter how much I grow and change, I will always be my own worst critic. I've learned that others might not see life in the same way I do. I realized that others might misunderstand my intentions and/or people won't always assume the best of me. There will be people who won't like me. My skin got a little thicker this year and I learned that I don't even need everyone to like me. (shrugs shoulders)

I started...and actually finished...a Beth Moore Bible study. It was both a personal and spiritual journey milestone. I've never finished a guided study all the way through before on my own without accountability.

At the beginning of 2011, I had high hopes that THIS YEAR would be the year that our life changed and we welcomed a baby (or at least a child of our own) into our lives - but that was not the case. God did not give us a Yes or a No...we are still feeling our answer is currently a Not Yet. It's been a long, long journey but we are not finished yet.

It was this year that I truly fell in love with my Savior for who He is...not what He can do for me. Although I didn't realize that was what I was doing before. He is not God-on-Demand. He is the Creator of the Universe and I had my role in the Universe sorely out of place. While my life is important to me - and reasonably so - my life is not my own because I gave it to Him a long time ago. He will use it for His unique plans and for His ultimate glory. I'm along for the ride...and so I will not put expectations on 2012. I don't know if 2012 will be "THE YEAR" or not. But what I do know is that He is good and what He does is good...and so the most joy, the most peace, the most contentment, will be found by trusting Him. And WHEN He answers...I just want to make sure I remember where I came from.

It was this year, we went Gluten Free and DW's allergy to Gluten and my subsequent eating Gluten Free with him resulted in some shocking and amazing changes in my own body. All the details about what and how it's changed me are neither here nor there, but let's just say my body is healing.

My one regret in 2011 is that I stopped taking so many pictures and didn't document the ordinary day-to-day enough. Conversations between DW and I, dinners with friends, etc. I plan to fix that in 2012.

So what do I want in 2012? I honestly don't know. I'm just along for the ride.

Where You Came From…

2011-12-18T19:41:00.000-06:00

One of the fears I have, if I ever get pregnant, is that I will forget the way I feel right now. One might think it would be absolutely ideal to block out any remembrance of the pain and heartache that is infertility, but I recognize it’s become a part of me forever. I don’t wish to always be infertile, but I do wish to carry this journey of infertility with me so that I don’t forget what it feels like to walk this Road.

I don’t want to become a frazzled mother of…let’s say 3…and meet a young, married woman struggling with infertility and NOT remember. I often tell myself, Don’t you dare one day offer clichés like “well, when you just relax and let it happen…” or tell stories about how “I knew this friend of a friend who started the adoption process and one month later..." Don’t you dare do X and don’t you dare offer advice of Y...you have been on the other end of those. You just SHUT YOUR MOUTH and listen as one who has been there. Do NOT undermine their journey should be tattooed on my body somewhere, I’m convinced.

As I was dreaming of what “might be” one day for me, I imagined a scenario where “Today” Me (as in not-pregnant, happily married w/normal issues, 33 year old Me) walks into a coffee shop and sits down across the table from a “Future” Me version of myself. (Yes, I’m a little weird obviously.) As one would expect, when I stare across the table, I look into eyes that are familiar to me and I smile before I say to my identical twin, “Well, congratulations…”

“Thanks!” she says back, tears sparkling in her eyes. “I just can’t believe it.”

Me either, I say. I really didn’t ever think this day would come for you.

We sit together in silence a moment, remembering the road “we’ve” travelled together, filled with ups and downs, heartaches and lessons, but most importantly, a journey that stretched and grew Me emotionally and spiritually like no other journey could have. “Today” Me and “Future” Me both know we will move on from (one day) - but it’s important to never, ever forget.

She starts first: Well, I guess it’s a new Chapter, huh? and I nod. Are you feeling sick yet? I ask and she shakes her head “No, not yet.”

When are you going to tell people? and she shrugs and bites her lip. “I’m excited but kind of scared to.” and I nod because I totally understand. I’ve thought of it a million times before myself. IF the day ever came when I got pregnant, I’ve wondered how I could possibly tell those who have been on this journey with me that my life is different now. In no way better, but I’ve now received the blessing that we have all dreamed of, emailed about, talked about, prayed for...some of us for years. Those of us on the infertility journey who have walked together, hand in hand, know what I mean. But it doesn’t change the Truth. The fact that when one of us gets pregnant, the ones still dreaming of “their day” teeter totter between excitement and hope and joy for the other…and absolute heartache for ourselves. The Left Behinds.

“Well”, Today Me says to Future Me, “Just don’t forget how it feels. Don’t forget what this road has been like.”

After more conversation, its decided that we should write it down because we know…we’ve seen it happen over and over. We’ve seen those on "Our side" cross over to the “Other” side and it’s as if the years of dreaming and hoping and wanting and tears are suddenly forgotten. But I won’t forget.

I’ll start. I say and I write “To Pregnant Me…” and put a number 1 on the sheet of paper in front of "us".

1. Tell your fellow Sojourners first. Don’t hit them with the blow of finding out with the masses. Bring them in on your Joy before the rest of the world so they aren’t blind-sided. They have walked this road with you and you owe them that. Give them their “moment alone” to process so that it doesn’t create more damage in their already hurting hearts.

2. When you start to feel the symptoms of pregnancy, remember that each time you pray to the porcelain gods, it is because Life (amazing, beautiful Life) is growing inside you. You wanted a baby more than anything. Now, deal with it and thank God for every stinking miserable moment. :-) Remember how many times you wanted to tell people to “shut up” because you would give your left eye to know that particular misery. Nausea will go away. Energy will come back. Millions of women before you have done it and millions after you will as well. Just be thankful even though everything inside you tells you to complain.

3. Don’t let your Joy at being a Mom let you become callous or immediately forgetful. Be mindful of the fact that motherhood is a gift of which all might not partake. Remember that just because your mind is suddenly consumed with baby thoughts and dreams and nursery décor doesn’t mean it should be the only thing you talk about. Remember what you loved before and who walked this journey with you.

4. When you do forget, be quick to say you’re sorry. Yes, you should be present and enjoy this new part of your Journey but please, please don’t forget how testy and emotional and hurt you felt as a Have Not. Be filled with Grace and Remember.

5. When your body doesn’t look the same anymore and everything is stretched out and doesn’t look the same, don’t trivialize the fact that you were given a unique and mind-blowing gift to take part in His Creation. Remember it is a unique opportunity to experience Your Heavenly Father in a way that not all will be given for one reason or another.

Can you think of anything else? I ask but we both agree that those things pretty much sum it up for now. We can always add to the list later when "Today Me" meets with "Frazzled Mom Me".

But that’s a whole different Coffee Shop conversation…

Manly Things & Other Weekend Fun...

2011-12-12T09:21:00.000-06:00

DW's friend, Chris, came over to the house on Saturday to help DW cut down a tree that has been the bain of our existance since we moved in. We didn't even realize that Mimosa trees could grow so big...and when they do, you can be sure that they will rain down crap all over your cars at all times, in all seasons. So let me just say that I was stoked this particular project was going down. Thank you, Chris!

I loved hearing the guys talking and laughing and just getting so plain ol' shoulder to shoulder time while they worked. Friendships like these - those that stand the test of time and accept you for who you are unconditionally - well, they are just a HUGE blessing! I loved seeing DW laughing so much yesterday and I admit, I found myself strangely attracted to DW doing what Paul Bunyan type men do. ;-)

SO thankful for these two men...I love one with all my heart and the other truly like a brother.

After Chris left and we got cleaned up, we headed over to Bob and Greta's house for Gluten Free Pizza and Movie night. Again, it was a day of counting blessings as we were full up on good friend time. We ended up watching "The Help" - which I'd seen before but couldn't wait to see again. I loved it the first time. Well, I say "watch" but I admit it, I fell asleep during the movie! HA! I was tired.

On Sunday, DW and I took all THREE pups for a walk on a trail near our house. Now that Macie is finally feeling better, she is quite the little fireball and makes me laugh! Her and Sam are super playful, which is nice because Tucker isn't much up for playing these days. We had some sleepy pups after their walk and play time so it was great to come home and have a perfect Fat Kid Sunday on the couch until time for church (we go to the Sunday evening service). All in all, a great and relaxing weekend...

In the Race...

2011-12-10T13:12:00.004-06:00

I had a friend in high school who didn't really have "rules" and never got in trouble even for things that my parents would have skinned me alive for. At the time, I remember being a little envious of all that "freedom". What I realized later in life is that all that freedom really wasn't because this particular person's parent loved them more...it was because disciplining them took too much effort. My friend later confessed to me that he was jealous that my parents cared enough to give me rules and to hold me to a certain standard. That thought had never occurred to me.

I was reminded of that this morning when I was reading Hebrews 12:7 where it says: Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father?

Truth: up until this year, I have never completed one single Bible self-study book in its entirety. I've been in group Bible studies before and with plenty of accountability, I was known to do fine and I completed (most of) those. But leave me responsible for my own spiritual growth and I struggled with consistent time and study. To be even more truthful, I've spent most of my life feeling like spending time in the Word was just something to check off my daily "to do" list.

___ Do Laundry

___ Pick Up Dry Cleaning

___ Spend Time with God

___ Take Samson to the vet

___ Lats/Legs/Run

___ Grocery Store

Check, check, CHECK, check, check...I tick off the responsibilites of my day and somewhere, squeezed in between the dry cleaning and the grocery run was my time with God. And then one day it occured to me, what if I knew that my own name was on someone's "TO DO" list, buried in the other monotonous inconveniences of regular ol' life? What if a relationship with me was just another daily responsibility that this "other" person found no joy in - only an ingrained sense of responsibility and duty?

IF I knew that, would I find that relationship satisfying? Would I find any pleasure in it?

Keep in mind I'm speaking only to my spiritual journey and not judging anyone else if this is what their life and/or Walk looks like. Honestly, sometimes friendships and even romance IS a discipline and it does have it's place. There are times it takes just "showing up" before the feelings follow, no doubt.

But when I felt personally convicted of it, I had no choice but to look at my relationship with God a little differently. He and I know that if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't be satisfied. So it would make sense that He might point out to me that He wasn't finding my particular offering very satisfying, either. The thing that kept coming to my mind was that He wanted my heartfelt offering...just showing up to "check" it off wasn't enough for Him from me. He and I both knew it lacked heart.

And so enter what I'm learning now...about how to present a heartfelt offering of my time and, mostly, a heartfelt offering of my affection. I wanna want to know Him...every little last detail He will reveal to me about Himself.

David Platt, our pastor, recently presented a powerful message about how there are really only 3 kinds of people in regards to Faith...and hopefully I accurately explain what he said well and accurately because it applies here. If not, my fault...not his.

1. there are those who outright reject it. I think it's pretty clear what this means so no need to expound here.

2. there are those who are content to observe Jesus. Meaning they know who He is and what He has supposedly done and they see others become radically different because they love Jesus. But I imagine this person an "armchair quarterback"...someone who is content to sit back and watch, who associates themself with the "team", and has plenty of suggestions on how things should be done but never really gets in the game.

3. and then there are those who unconditionally follow Jesus. As in, You are the Lord and my King and I will abandon all that I have and all that I am to follow you.

Used to, I would have said that #3 (unconditionally following Jesus) was hands down the scariest possibility since I knew I wasn't a #1 (rejecter). If I gave Jesus my life unconditionally, my fear was I would end up in a village in Africa somewhere. Or worse. What if I had to give all of my savings away and live in a cardboard box for Jesus. Don't lie, you know you've thought something like that. ;-) I kid.

But in the last couple years my heart has changed because without a single doubt...#2 has become the scariest possibility of all to me.

It literally makes my heart skip a beat in my chest to think I could only be an armchair quarterback or a sideliner...someone who mistakenly feels like I'm part of the team or a part of the race when all I really am is a casual observer. I don't want to be someone who watches others grow and stretch in their faith and passionately follows what God is doing in them - but somehow misses the fact that He wants to do something amazing in me, too, if only I'll let Him.

No ma'am...I tell myself. That will not be me. Come what may, I will run this race...

This time of not getting what I want...I know it has been partly to discipline me and partly to show me how valued I am as His daughter...He wants me to love Him and need Him more...and I do! I've said it before, I am a better person for not getting everything I want right when I want it!

This race I'm talking about...I don't just want to drag my dimply little butt across the finish line...I want to finish strong because I was prepared and because I knew what the race entailed. Because I had trained for it physically and mentally and emotionally. I don't want to stroll through the tape. I want to sprint on through...

Oh Lord, more than anything I want to hear you say, "Well done, my Child..."

A Glimpse of What the Future Holds...

2011-12-09T17:08:00.003-06:00

Over the last six years, I've opened up my life in a lot of ways on this blog...especially with regard to infertility. So I feel like it would be a gross injustice to only talk about the heartache of my struggle and the "downs" but not share the moments where I feel happiness and joy and I recognize God's beautiful work in my life. I'd probably consider this a ladies-only post though so fellas (if any) that read, that X at the top right is for you.

I've mentioned before that I've never received a NO on pregnancy from God...but I've also never received a YES seeing as I have no children. I've hoped for pregnancy but have never been sure that's my "road" for this journey...but I also haven't yet felt this overwhelming "Call" that it was time to adopt. The thing that I've heard a million times has been a NOT NOW. I've been in limbo for a long, long time.

I probably couldn't count the number of times that I've asked God to "just tell me NO" if pregnancy was out and, although there have been several times where I was sure my ovaries were just gonna shut down on me in answer to that prayer, it's never happened. I've also asked for clarity...have the months and years with nary a pregnancy been the answer and it's just an answer I'm unwilling to face?

Well, recently, I've had this quietness in my spirit. A willingness to just "Be". I'm never going to be ready for anything that comes my way - adoption or pregnancy. I won't lie...on the times in the past where we did a fertility cycle, I've been equally afraid of finding out YES as I have been of hearing another NO. WHAT is wrong with me? I've thought before...But I guess it all comes down to the fact that I don't care who you are...adding to your family is a game-changer.

But now, to the good stuff. Yesterday I had a basic appointment with a new doctor so I could become a not-new patient anymore in case I needed to see her. Ahhhh the joys of moving to a new city. Anyway, let me keep this long story very short by saying that, after taking my medical history of infertility, she wanted to confirm some details herself and took a look at my ovaries via sonogram. No one ever believes me that I'm severely PCOS because I don't have any of the external symptoms of this disease.

She flicks off the lights to look at the screen and I save her the trouble of detailing my ovaries to the nurse for my chart. As I've heard a kajillion times in the past 6+ years, I parroted the following: Uterus is tilted posterior...greater than 20 follicles on left ovary...greater than 20 follicles on right ovary...ovaries are abnormally enlarged.

I saw recognition dawn in my doctor's eyes and she glanced at me and said, "You've been struggling with infertility for a while, huh?" Yup, a long time, I reply. Well, she pauses and I see her squint to confirm..."You have all that right except the abnormally enlarged ovaries part."

Huh?

You ovaries look perfectly normal to me...she says. The right one is just barely enlarged but the left looks great. Obviously, as you know both of them are polycystic, though. But I heard her say the last part of the sentence like she was in another galaxy as I processed the fact that she said my ovaries were NORMAL size.

Imsorrybutwhatdidyoujustsaytome? I slurred in my mind. My ovaries have never been normal...not since I was 14 years old at my first well woman appointment and the doctor delivered the news that I had PCOS. A few more steps later and I'm left alone in the room for a moment to change and I can't help it...I begin to cry in just sheer awe. It was just this past May when we saw another shot cycle fail and my heart was broken. JUST this past May when my doctor had said my ovaries our ONLY option was an IVF. In June, we turned down the free IVF we were offered and even though I've wondered a couple times if I was crazy, I couldn't deny I was at peace with it. No more meds. Not because they were wrong, but our season of pursuing a family that way had come to an end. We were tired.

Slowly, but surely, in HIS time...He is healing me. And you know what? There isn't a doubt in my mind its because of all of those of you who are praying for us as you've promised. For me. For my broken, dysfunctional body that's been my worst enemy. I just want you to know that your investment of prayer in this journey hasn't been for not. He is answering and I'm begging you to continue to pray for us if you truly feel called to! And thank you, thank you, thank you for the ones you've already offered up.

I won't pretend to know what the future holds, but I know that He is GOOD and what He does is GOOD.

But Does It?

2011-12-05T23:40:00.006-06:00

Recently I've been hit over and over with a "message" that has some eerily similar undertones to it. I can't think of any way to explain it other than to say that something deep inside me has begun take notice.

We've recently connected with a new small group here in Birmingham through our church and I can't deny that, while I miss our small group back in Georgia, this group is equally incredible in its own way. I walk away stretched and challenged and sometimes a little uncomfortable. And I like it.

Tonight in particular had me sweating in my chair because it was about the story of Abraham and Sarah and was detailing God's promise to give them a child and "multiply" them even though by all natural, rational expectations, this would not be the case for them. I think it's pretty obvious why I take Genesis 12 and Hebrews 6:13-20 pretty seriously. And, at times, find it painful.

I want, more than anything to believe that God's promise to bless these Abraham and Sarah, these two biblical "heroes", with a biological child(ren) might still apply to Dusty and I now, even all these generations later. I mean, it's the Bible so one would assume yes. Or at least I did.

But does it?

Let me start with a verse we read tonight that might as well have been a neon sign in Hebrews that God put there for me.

v 15 And so, after waiting patiently, Abraham obtained the promise.

I'll go ahead and be the first one to say it...I confess, I haven't been a patient wait-er. If you've been reading my blog for any period of time you would be able to say that I don't just want children of my own - most of the time I'm anxious for it. Time after time, I've begged God and pleaded for a child and month after month, year after year...here I am. Still childless. I've been waiting six years+...Abraham and Sarah had to wait 25+. Wowsa.

And, speaking of waiting, let me take a moment here to say something I've been biting my tongue on for a loooooong time. Even if I know people have the absolute best intentions, I juust have to say it this once...

You know what verse I wish I never, ever had to hear again? Well, not ever...but NEVER again in the context of infertility? Hands down: Romans 8:28. "For all things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose."

You know another one I highly recommend NOT saying to someone struggling with infertility: "For I know the Plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) Oh, and here is another one I just thought of: "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you” (John 15:7)

I've got three words for those verses: OUT OF CONTEXT.

Please realize, I believe every word of all of those three verses wholeheartedly. But I don't believe that it's quite so simple. It's not love God and everything will be great and wonderful and perfect and life will work out exactly how you want it. No. It doesn't say that. We can pray and ask anything but what we think we need and what we actually need might be very different. If God answered every prayer, I'd be in big, big trouble. I respectfully submit that YES, our prayers will be answered no doubt. But it won't always mean that it will be with a "yes".

What each of the verses points back to is that God has given us a promise that He alone is solid, safe, and secure and that each thing He does in our lives or allows in our lives - IF WE LET IT - will ultimately be for our good and for His glory...EVEN if it sucks right now! I believe that.

What I don't believe is that the Bible or even us as Christians should suggest that loving Him will be easy. Just ask the 12 disciples...10 of which loved Him and gave up their lives for spreading the Good News but suffered and died the death of a martyr for the Cause. I doubt if we were sitting a table with them they would say, "Yea, that following Jesus thing...Piece O' Cake."

Here is what I have finally come to realize is this...NO. Abraham and Sarah's promise doesn't apply to me. Having a child of my own may still happen if it's for God's glory and it might not because that will also be for His glory. What IS, however, true for me about God that I feel were also true for Abraham and Sarah are these four things:

a. He created me and He knows what I want and, more importantly, what I need.

b. He grants me salvation because I'm imperfect and I desperately need Him.

c. My life - this whole up and down and around process - is about sanctifation. It's a purifying process but I won't lie, it's gettin hot up in herrrr sometimes.

d. At the end, He made a promise to me that says He will come back one day for His children and I'm one of those. I have his covenant loyalty, meaning an unbreakable promise that He won't ever abandon those who truly love Him despite how it might feel at times. And I know this: I truly love Him.

So that leads me to this conclusion...

Will I have a child of my own - as in biologically - one day? I don't know. But what I do know is that He's finally changing my heart to trust that whatever He does - like it or not - is for my good.

Also, before I say it "out loud"...just know I don't know anything yet. Don't go gettin all crazy on me yet...just let me process. But I still want to say it...

...there is no doubt my heart is slowly but surely opening to the idea of adoption. Not because I'm finally giving up on my hopes and dreams and desires...but because my hopes and dreams and desires are getting broader. They are rounding out. Where once I heard birds chirping, now I'm hearing the beauty in their song.

I've been dying for - and so focused on - a child that would grow in my tummy...but what I'm realizing is that there is this new possiblity I'm finally willing to consider...

...that maybe, just maybe God is first growing a child of our very own in my heart.

Seventy Two Disappointments Ago...

2011-11-29T08:46:00.005-06:00

It's time for bed and I turn off all of the lights in the house and wander blindly down the hall. I know the layout of the house and it's familiar to me but yet without the light illuminating my feet, I find myself walking forward more cautiously...more uncomfortably even. Every now and then, as I do this routine, I find that there is something surprising in my path. One trip down the hall, I run my fingers along the wall and end up knocking a frame off, shattering the glass that protects the image behind it. Another time my shin connects with a box that DW left in the hallway to be put in the attic at a later time. Other times...many times...I step on or kick a dog collar or a dog toy...and wince in pain, dancing around on one foot.

My point is that sometimes walking "blind" leads to a few surprises along the way.

This past Sunday, Dusty and I were sitting in church and the speaker was going through Ephesians 3 and was explaining how we should be bold and confident before God. And as the guy continued talking, I felt tears of frustration stinging at the backs of my eyes.

Bold and confident before our Father, huh? Well, I don't feel either right now. I thought. In fact, I started thinking back to the book of Ezra - where Ezra asked his family to fast and take time to pray that God would give them protection on a journey they were taking. I love Ezra's honesty when he continues by saying:

"I did this because I was ashamed to ask the king for Infantry and Calvary to protect us from enemies during the journey, since we had told him, 'The hand of our God is gracious to all who seek Him, but His great anger is against all who abandon Him.'"

Love it. Why? Because basically Ezra was saying, "So yea, we all need to pray reaaaaaaalllllyyyy hard because I boldly proclaimed that God would protect us on our journey. So now that I've said that how can I possibly go back to the king and say, "Ummmm, I know I said I trust God and all but can you give me an Infantry and Calvary, you know, just in case?"

The thing about living out my faith - the ups and downs - so publicly is that I feel like a chump sometimes. Like Ezra, I want to boldly claim that I love and trust Him...but I don't want to make it seem like it's always easy or perfect...because it's not. All of this journey is real for me but yet what stinks about it is that the readers get to watch me stumble around in the dark sometimes (ok, often) and hit my shin or bump my toe.

About two weeks ago, it hit me extremely hard...six years of actively wanting and waiting for a baby. 12 months in a year. At least 72 disappointments.

I told DW that I feel like I can't say anything about infertility anymore because if I'm exhausted with thinking about it, how much more will people who don't know me be tired of hearing about it. I've been keeping so much to myself lately for a couple reasons...but I can't not write. Writing helps heal me somehow...it calms the wars waging within me.

God, do you care? I've wondered more than once as I earnestly pray, day after day...

Seventy two disappointments ago I would have told you that I was a Christian...and I was. I'd accepted Christ as my Savior at 12 years old. But I didn't spend time in the Word and I didn't know Him until years later.

In late high school, early college...I began the process of "gathering facts". Think of it like a relationship where you are dating someone and you are acquiring knowledge of them. Does knowledge of some facts about them mean that you know everything? More importantly, does it mean that facts equal intimacy? Do those facts you know even mean you truly know them? I would submit that knowledge without intimacy means the relationship lacks depth.

Seventy two disappointments ago, I began the process of losing myself. I began the process of recognizing that the more my heartache grew, the more my need for Him grew as well. If I separate my relationship with Him from this journey of infertility...well, I know for a doubt I couldn't do it. I could not put one foot in front of the other each day. I realize there are plenty of people who will never understand what I'm saying. So many who will never, could never know the pain of infertility...but for those that do understand...man, it hurts, doesn't it?

Seventy two disappointments ago...and this morning I open up the Word (after asking for Him to reach for me, remember) and this is what I read:

"It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. The law from your mouth is more precious to me than thousands of pieces of silver and gold." Psalm 119:71-72

And I know again in my heart what I have always known. The conclusion that I always come back to after each time spent in the Valley Low. It's not a new epiphany...

My time struggling with infertility isn't for Not. It's not an accident...and no matter that it often doesn't feel this way...it's a gift. This time of affliction has been a time where I have found intimacy with Christ I would have not had otherwise. Oh how this journey has changed me.

First I went to Him so I could negotiate a bargain. See God, I'll love you more wholeheartedly IF you'll just go ahead and give us a baby.

Then...out of sheer need for something to grasp onto. Because, let's face it, I couldn't survive without believing there was some bigger "good" that had to come out of all of this one day.

Later because I thought "If I could figure out what He's trying to tell me...if I can get this right...He'll give us a baby."

And finally...out of love. Pure and simple adoration for Him. I talk to Him because He is the only one who really makes me feel better. I talk to Him because I know I can say anything to Him, ask Him any question genuinely - and He'll still be my Father and my friend...

"If your instruction had not been my delight I would have died in my affliction..." Psalm 119:92

There are days it hurts so bad I want to just die. And even then I talk to Him because I don't believe that He's mean or unloving or that He allows us to continually hope in something that He doesn't intend for me.

Maybe its all best summed up in the words of an old gospel song by Norman Hutchins, "Lord, you are the Potter, I am the Clay. Mold me and make me, have Your own way..." I feel like I'm in the furnace now and this heat is uncomfortable. Oh Lord, will you someday soon remove me from this fire and show me what you've made me to be?

In The Words of Britney...

2011-11-27T17:40:00.004-06:00

In the words of Britney Spears...oops, we did it again. DW and I came from a holiday at Granny's with another abandoned puppy. To say we are dog-people might be a complete and total understatement, I realize. To me, knowing a dog is suffering from hunger and lack of love is pretty much an abomination.

And speaking of love, how could you not just love this silly face? After the picture I realized that she was standing with one foot in each of DW's house slippers. Made me laugh.

Wanted: Someone to love me

Between DW and myself and our nephews, this little one got snuck a few table scraps from our Thanksgiving feast and was given quite a bit of attention. She was extremely patient with our youngest nephew who climbed all over her - which is always a great sign.

As we were loading up to leave for home, she jumped up in our Explorer...and we took that as a sign she picked us. :-) We got her home and took her straight to the bathtub where she proceeded to get a 2 hour bath while DW and I picked every flea off her body with a fine tooth comb. Once she was good and clean and flea-less, we dragged out one of the old dog bed covers we'd kept and showed her where "her bed" was.

So far, in three days, we've worked on teaching basic commands like "sit" and "lay down" and "get in your bed". We've started to get those down. I know it's weird, but one of my favorites parts of having dogs in our home is teaching them how to communicate and obey their commands. The best and most enjoyable dogs are obedient ones.

At night, to our great surprise, she climbs right in her bed on the floor and doesn't move until morning. Easiest. rescue. pup. ever. Anyway, once we've got her kennel and fully command trained...plus put some meat on her ribs, we'd love to find her a home.

Know anyone who could find a spot in their heart and a little rug space for this sweet girl? You might wanna hurry before I fall in love and try to keep her.

The Good Guy(s)...

2011-11-23T13:35:00.003-06:00

As I've explained in a past post or two, there are great reasons to both have some fat on your body (but not in excess) and consume fat in foods. Click here (but not yet) for more details and sources of healthy fats.

Continuing our analogy from yesterday...

If Leptin is the "bad guy" then I imagine Adi Pon Ectin (adiponectin) is the "Angel" on your shoulder. I think of her a bit like a dainty Southern lady who nervously makes sure everything is working as it should. Adi is married to Leptin and they live in Fatville. But unlike Leptin, she doesn't work "against" us...she works for us. Adiponectin is a type A planner, watching for signals and cues to "step up" where needed. As you'll see in a minute, she's also what I would call a hovering Mother-in-Law.

But before I can really make you understand Adiponectin, I need to tell you about Adi's family members: her son-in-law, Glucose, and her daughter, Insulin. Glucose and Insulin work together for the same Company called, "Bodies R Us" (excuse my lack of imagination).

Glucose is the brawn of the company. He's our numero uno form of energy and Glucose occurs when we consume (hopefully complex) carbohydrates. The body breaks the foods we consume down into usable energy and Glucose sets up a meeting in the bloodstream where he has a lil rendezvous with his wife, Insulin.

Insulin is like the brains of this family organization. The cells cannot utilize Glucose without Insulin for she is what balances this maniac out. Together they become the "Bonnie & Clyde" of our bodies...the energy and power source of our cells that help us "go" much like gas makes our car go.

Now, here is where the effects of Insulin matters in relation to weight loss and gain...

When our Glucose levels are high because we've consumed too much carbohydrates/sugars, Insulin sounds the company-wide alarm. She essentially tells all the other "departments" (aka cells) in the liver, muscles, and fat:

"Hey, it's time to work overtime - we've got extra product on the floor!"

When these Departments go into overtime, they convert the extra Glucose into a compound called Glycogen, essentially storing the energy for later use. Too much stored energy = extra body fat. Glycogen is our "rainy day" fund.

Now that you've met Bonnie & Clyde, back to our Angel. Adiponectin, is our mother-in-law hormone (that is produced in our Fat) and helps her daughter, Insulin, by regulating when Glucose gets out of control. Basically, she helps regulate Glucose metabolism. Thank you, Adi! When this hormone is really active and busy - mostly in people who are at a healthy body weight - there is a reduced risk of heart attack and better regulation of metabolism.

Sadly it's been noted that low levels of Adiponectin are found in people who are obese (and who are at increased risk of a heart attack). Source And since adiponectin also has anti-inflammatory effect in the body, this is one possibility for why people who are overweight mention that they tend to "hurt" more. Adiponectin doesn't do her job as well when we get too big for our britches. Literally. So if you are overweight and suffer from chronic pain, getting to a healthy body weight may increase Adiponectin production and you'll not only look better...you'll truly feel better, too.

The take away?

1. Choose more complex carbohydrates and eat less refined, simple (often white) sugar
2. Get rid of your foods with high fructose corn syrup
3. Eat smaller amounts of foods more often so you don't overproduce glucose and cause insulin to signal the storage of "extra".

Questions? You know, besides why I'm such a complete nerd?

The Bad Guy

2011-11-22T14:27:00.002-06:00

With the Thanksgiving Holiday fast approaching, I thought it would be a good time to offer some fitness specific information and advice on F-A-T. Be lucky you're reading this instead of training with me today because I worked my FitLab clients biceps and triceps soooo hard today...so that EVERY single time they raised their fork to their mouth on Thanksgiving, they would think of me and be reminded of their goals. ;-) You're welcome very much, Client.

Back in the day, fat was just thought of as a spare tire that sits in inconvenient places on your body. Well, to science anyway. I still think of it as that inconvenient "issue" that many of us have somewhere unattractive. As science has come to understand the "role of fat" in the body more, it realized that "fat" actually produces signals related to the metabolism. I know, I know...right now you are probably thinking blah-dy, blah-dy, BLAH! But keep reading...I promise, this is information you should know.

Did you know that Fat isn't just flub-a-dub? It actually secretes hormones that send extremely important signals to the brain.

So let's talk about these signals for a second. Maybe I can help you understand some important things about weight loss, maintenance, and explain why you binge eat sometimes. I kind of think of them as your proverbial "Devil" and "Angel" on your shoulder. Today let's start with the Bad Guy.

Leptin - aka the "Devil" or the "Bad Guy" is not allll bad but I'm not a fan of this hormone that lives in your fat cells. Imagine him as a little cartoon that lives where the fat lives. When he starts seeing the fat calls decrease in size, he yells out a signal to the Brain.

"Hey Brain, we're getting low on storage down here!"

The Brain responds, "Ok, Leptin, got your signal loud and clear..." and then the Brain sends a message to the body to eat more.

Here's a couple ways that you can see this happen...

You know that point where you start feeling skinny and noticing changes in the body? That point where the jeans fit and you start feeling positive about yourself...and then out of nowhere you just want to eat and eat and eat? Well, you can thank Leptin for that. He thinks he is helping you...and in a crisis, it's good to have him around. But for weight loss, not so much. To severely over-simplify it, it is one of the main reasons that those last 5-10 pounds are the hardest to lose.

Our bodies weren't created to lose weight...they were created to maintain Life. So if you overeat and gain weight, that is one reason why it is ten times as hard to lose it as it was to gain it. Your body has "defense mechanisms" in place to "save" you. Conversely, if Leptin is sitting in his "spot" in your fat and starts saying, "Hey Brain, it's getting full in here..." the Brain responds by slowing production.

Part of, ok well, MOST of our problem is our environment. The more technologically savvy we get, the fatter we get. Why walk to the next room to ask someone a question when you can just text message or IM them, right? Wrong. We are getting more fat because life has almost gotten too convenient!

Here's another reason that Leptin is the Devil. When you consume fat and fructose (fruit sugar), Leptin gets "sleepy" and takes a nap. Leptin isn't doing his job to signal to the brain what it should:

"Hey Brain, I'm full down here!"

Lower Leptin levels lead to overeating and weight gain because of overeating. This is one reason High FRUCTOSE Corn Syrup is so bad. If it blocks Leptin production in your Brain, you don't realize you're full until you're WAY too full. One of the first things I tell my new clients is to cut out all foods with High Fructose Corn Syrup in the first five ingredients. Go through your refrigerator and check out your condiments...you'll be shocked how many of those suckers have HFCS as one of the main ingredients.

Let's see, have I said it enough? High Fructose Corn Syrup is not your friend...no matter what those cheesy commercials tell you. "It's just corn." Yea, chemically altered corn!

Alright, you get the picture. Tonight, your "homework" project - if you so choose to participate - is to go through your cabinets and fridge and do a self-diagnosis. How many of the foods you eat have HFCS in the first five ingredients? Big food companies will love you if you keep eating their foods with HFCS so that you'll consume more and spend more money, I promise...your body (long term), however, won't.

Tomorrow...the Good Guy.

Only When DW is Gone...

2011-11-16T18:58:00.005-06:00

I'm pretty sure my life is one big Candid Camera moment. Or at least I imagine it to be one. This helps me find reasons to laugh at insanity instead of actually GO insane. Yesterday was a long, busy day and by the end of it, I was absolutely exhausted. On the tail end of my day, I had two appointments...one to the vet and one to get my hair cut. Appointment #1 should have warned me that it was not the day to do Appointment #2.

Let's discuss Appointment #1. The Vet. I pull up to the vet and it was as if each of the instances I'm about to describe happened in slow motion:

1. I open the door to let Sam and Tucker out of the car...but first I need to lean down to the floorboard, pick up the leash, and attach it to their collars. As I'm leaning down, Sam - in his excitement - swings his head up at the very moment I'm going down. His head connects squarely under my chin, causing me almost to bite my tongue off.

2. In response to the skull-to-chin connection and subsequent tongue biting, I jerk upward and proceed to connect the back of my head with the top of the door frame of the car. Thereby giving myself a concussion. #oknotreallybutclose

3. I held in a choice word.

4. As I am attaching the leash, I bobble the folder full of THREE YEARS of pet records - organized by date - and drop it onto to soaking wet pavement.

5. When I bend down quickly (rearend-to-heels style) to pick up the scattered papers in the drizzling rain, Sam takes this as an invitation to jump out of the car and effectively knocks me backward, flat on my butt.

6. Tucker follows Sam and trampels me...and my pet records.

7. I manage to hang onto their leash, pick up the papers and shove them haphazardly back into the folder.

8. I walk toward the door of the vet and there are two options: a wheelchair ramp and stairs.

9. Sam takes the ramp, Tucker takes the stairs.

10. I am physically split in two by the guard rail.

11. I get them to go up the same direction and by this time I'm soaked.

12. The three circus clowns (Tucker, Samson, and I) walk up to the front desk, which is glass. Sam runs into it because he isn't looking. He pulls back in shock and shakes his head to recover from his surprise.

13. I smirk with satisfaction...just a little.

14. The desklady gives me paperwork to fill out but as I try to walk toward the chair, I realize the dogs have walked around me in differently directions, binding my legs together. I'm frozen and staring at the lady. She asks me if I need anything. I'm like, "Yea, yeah I do. My sanity." but I don't say this. I just smile politely and say, "No, I'm good thank you."

15. I fill out the paperwork and make it to the safety of the room.

16. Vet tech comes in. He looks 12. I'm not sure if he's the vet or the vet tech and he doesn't say. I think about bolting.

17. Vet Tech leaves with Samson and the actual Vet walks in. He's an older, balding man with piercing blue eyes and white hair (well, what's left of it)...but there are men who have "swagger" and can pull this off. He has said "swagger" and I text DW while the Vet is examining Tucker. "Our new vet is hawt for an old dude." He replies, "Should I come punch him?"

18. I laugh out loud and Hot Vet looks at me, quizzically. I blush. He goes back to work.

19. Vet visit is over and I believe the madness is almost over as well.

20. I pay, vomit a little from the expense, and then load the dogs in the car. As an afterthought, I pull down the visor and glance in the mirror before putting the car in reverse. I have black mascara a half-inch below my eyes, making me look like I live on the streets of Birmingham.

21. I realize this is how Hot Vet will remember me. Awesome.

22. Need I go on?

23. Fast foreword 1 day

24. I left the dogs out of the house after dinner. Tucker, my 13 year old manages to chase down a squirrel and kill it. I did not know he could move that fast.

25. Samson runs over, grabs it, and proudly brings it to me...and it's tail touches my leg.

26. I scream.

27. Samson runs away from me and the more I yell "drop it", the faster he runs.

28. I'm chasing Sam down our street with a squirrel hanging from his mouth, yelling...Sam! Drop it!

29. Tucker is chasing me.

30. I realize 3 neighbors are on their front porch talking. Oh wait, they weren't talking...they were watching the crazy lady and her dogs running down the street.

31. DW is out of town.

32. These things ONLY happen when DW is out of town.

33. I should write a book, "The things that ONLY happen when DW is out of town."

This is one day in my life. I'm pretty sure I need my own reality tv ~~nightmare~~ show. This is 33 reasons why we will NOT be getting that goat that DW wants.

Appointment #2 can be summarized by the following statement: Bob with bangs in the front. Party in the back.

Pocketful of Sunshine...

2011-11-13T16:32:00.001-06:00

DW headed over to Georgia yesterday to watch Auburn get their bootays kicked and so he was gone all day on Saturday. I spent the day running errands, taking the pups to the dog park and giving them baths, laundry...you know, the fun stuff. ;-)

This morning we made a plan to go to church tonight so we could sleep in late and headed over to Oak Mountain State Park to take a hike with Tuck and Sam. Its really important to me that we keep Tucker active because he's on up there in years and I know the second we start treating him like he's old, I'll lose him. Dude, that thought makes me want to flip. my. crap. He is literally my first and longest commitment...as in 13+ years together.

We made it about 2 miles with him before we had to head back...

DW agreed to hang out with the pups and read his book while I went for a trail run...which was awesome until it dawned on me that the first half of my run had been mostly downhill. Which means - yup, you guessed it - all the way back was up hill. Wowsa. Still beautiful, though!

When I was done, I walked up to these three handsome men kicking it in a nearby clearing, waiting on me...

And then we all laid around, enjoying ourselves in the Fall sunshine...DW reading...and I took some pics of the pups to document our day.

My sweet boys...

Sam guarding his ball and using his eyes to beg me to play...

...and then begging me to stop taking pictures...

...and then bailing on me...

What a perfect day with my sweet men...

"Dinner After Dark" Chili Recipe

2011-11-10T13:30:00.048-06:00

Prep time: 10 minutes

Cook Time: 8 hours

Servings: 6

Ingredients for Chili:

· 3 boneless, skinless chicken breasts (approximately 1.5 lbs)

· 1 1/2 cups enchilada sauce in can (or see homemade GF recipe below)

· 1 (28 oz) can of Red Gold diced tomatoes with liquid (these are Gluten Free)**

· 1 (28 oz) can of pinto

· 1 (15 oz) can of kidney beans, undrained***

· 1 large onion, diced

· 1-2 cloves of garlic, chopped

· 1-2 teaspoons chili powder

· 1 teaspoon cumin

Directions:

Pour enchilada sauce and canned tomatoes into the bottom of a 6 quart slow cooker. Add beans, onion, garlic, and spices. Stir to combine. Place chicken breasts on top. Cover and cook on low for 7-8 hours, or until flavors have combined. Once finished, shred chicken with a fork before serving.

Serve with shredded cheddar or mexican cheese and a dollop of light sour cream, if desired. It's also fantastic with sliced avocado or on top of a baked potato. Freezes well.

**If you like it a little "soupy" instead of "thick" chili, add another small can (15 oz) of diced tomatoes

***Choose canned beans with no “Natural Flavors” in ingredient list to avoid possible Gluten contamination

Adapted from: crockpot365.blogspot.com

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Gluten Free “Red Enchilada Sauce”

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Serving size: 1 cup

Servings: 4

Ingredients

6 oz Canned Tomato sauce (make sure there are no “natural flavors” to avoid Gluten)

¼ cup Salsa (make sure its labeled Gluten Free)

1 ½ cup water

1 tbsp Olive Oil

¼ cup Onion

2 cloves minced garlic

3 tbs Oregano

3 tbs Basil

1 tsp Dried Parsley

3 tbs Ground Cumin

1 tbs Chili Powder

3 tbs Black pepper

2 tbs Sea Salt

Directions

Add the olive oil and garlic together in saucepan and saute for a minute or two on low. Then, add all of the ingredients except the water. Stir.

Once ingredients are relatively mixed together, add in the water. Bring to a boil, stirring until all ingredients are mixed well. Reduce heat and allow to simmer for 10 minutes if you have the time. If not, not a big deal.
Add to the crockpot according to Chicken Enchilada Chili recipe instructions. Freezes well.

Groundhog*s Day...

2011-11-09T08:24:00.003-06:00

Whew! I'm sitting here in front of my computer watching the cursor blink-blink-blink and I feel like my brain is in a fog. Last night, Greta and I also went to see a late showing of FootLoose after she put the kids down and Bob kindly agreed to Daddy Duty so we could go. Cute movie but didn't have the Wow! factor of the original. But then again, I'm not 7 either.

DW has been out of town for work and that always leave the house quiet and gives me time to reflect. And when I'm alone and quiet, things that need addressing always seem to pop to the surface. I'm a seeker...so don't take the following dialogue as me saying, oh poor-pitiful-me...I actually like to analyze and change and grow. Now, that doesn't mean that self-realization isn't painful sometimes but I'm less afraid of realizing my flaws than I am of not realizing them. I don't want to NOT know I'm selfish or hurtful or insensitive to others...but its a journey and I've asked God to reveal things about my character in "small bites" so that I won't be overwhelmed or filled with self-loathing in this process - as I'm sure I will always have plenty I can work on.

One thing I've been struggling with over the last several weeks is feeling a bit like a hypocrite.

Rewinding a bit: I (still) feel this blanket no-strings-attached forgiveness for "Ali" and that situation. I literally accepted her apology on the spot and haven't thought another thing about what she did. I have truly forgiven her and I think God used that situation to show me that I AM capable of forgiving wholeheartedly and without condition. But it's going to take some growth on my part and granting me some extra strength on His part.

We still talk - almost daily in fact - and after her willingness to give me some answers about who "Ali" really is and "why" she did what she did and "what for" and "etc" we determined we could move past the grievance and have a "do over". Try things the way they could have/should have been in the first place if she'd just said, "Hey, I could really use a friend."

BUT what I've realized is this: BIG FREAKING WHOOP. I could feel good about myself all day long for that situation but the truth is, forgiving a stranger didn't really stretch me as a person. Not to say it was easy but it IS easier to forgive a stranger than it is to forgive a "friend" who wounds you.

It dawned on me how little grace I have for those in my immediate circle who weren't/aren't "supposed" to hurt me. I confess. I struggle to offer them the same grace that I offered Ali, a complete stranger. I fall short there. And so really, the truth is, while I might seem "good" at forgiveness, in fact, the opposite might be true. The closer I let people in and the more I feel wronged, the less easy it gets to do what I know I should do. God has been working on me here a lot.

Don't get me wrong, there is a difference between forgiving someone, not holding their wrongs against them or letting it consume you...and being an idiot. Sometimes you recognize something in a person that isn't healthy for you and you have to remove yourself from the situation. I had to do that a couple years ago with someone who on paper looked like she would be a great friend...but something about our personalities and the way we viewed the world couldn't do anything but clash and were anything but healthy. Taking a step back wasn't to punish anyone or inflict pain...it was to prevent unnecessary conflict and drama. Wrong? I don't know. But it didn't feel wrong and still doesn't.

Anyway, not sure why I felt like I should share that...but I guess because that "Ali" story was one small part of a whole picture and I'm still figuring out the rest of it. I definitely don't want to present myself as anything better (or worse) than I actually am. But I sure don't want to be perceived as someone who has got it all together or who is great at this Faith or Life-in-general thing because I'm not and I don't.

Faith, in my mind, feels a little bit like Groundhog*s Day. Every morning when you wake up, you are given the same (or similar) situations and trials, you deal with the same people (family, friends, co-workers, clients)...and so every day I wake up with the opportunity to live out my Faith well or totally suck it up. One day I may have a spectacular day and walk out the whole day and do it well. The next day I might fail miserably and misrespresent my Faith and what I say I stand for. Does that make me a bad Christian? I don't think so. It makes me human and it makes me want to be better than the bad days. Every day I am presented with a new and unique opportunity...so really every day in this life is like the start of the Faith journey and every night I crawl in bed I'm arriving at the end of the road. When I wake up, I get to do it again...

I guess it just strikes me as interesting to realize that, until the day I die and stand before God in heaven, I haven't arrived. One day I might be a "hero" of the faith like Esther or Ruth or Hannah or David or Paul...and one day I might be an absolute "failure".

Don't linger long on either the successes or failures is what I'm coming to realize. Because tomorrow the journey begins again...

Love the Lord with all your heart and all your soul and all your strength and all your mind and love your neighbor as yourself. Luke 10:27

And I'm learning to just tell myself, "If you screwed that up today...do better tomorrow."

Dinner After Dark...

2011-11-08T09:14:00.001-06:00

DW's Birthday Party this past weekend turned out to be a pretty perfect night! We spent all day Saturday tying up loose ends and cleaning the yard, finishing up the food, and straightening the house before people came over...but by the time people rolled up, I couldn't have been more pleased! And thank you, Laurie, for showing up early to help me!

The Menu

While we were setting up tables on Saturday afternoon before the party, the weather was fantastic. Not too hot, not too cold...if I could have planned it, it couldn't have happened better. DW called me outside to show me that Sam was sunbathing next to his "friend" - a leftover statue from the last owners. I couldn't resist taking a picture...

Finally, it was time for the party!

The dessert and drink table...before it got "stocked"...

We were so grateful that so many people made the trip over to celebrate with us and enjoy one another's company. And, of course, watch the Alabama/LSU game. We had one TV set up in the house by the food and one TV we drug out and set up outside so people wouldn't miss a single second. Ahhh, life in the SEC. ;-)

Since we were having so many people over and I wanted to cook something great, cheap, and gluten free, I opted for Chicken Enchilda Chili and a Baked Potato Bar. I made a batch of the chili in the crockpot the day before and the other batch the day of and thought I would probably have too much food. Thank goodness I over-estimated because we had almost zero leftovers!

The potatoes made me super nervous but I followed some instructions online about cooking potatoes for a large group. I cooked 25 of them in the oven on 500 degrees for 35 minutes and then put them in a cooler for another hour and fifteen minutes to let them keep cooking each other. By the time dinner was served, they were perfect! And I was so relieved. And I was also stoked that I was able to feed 20 people a main course for about $50 bucks total. Not too shabby.

The Birthday Boy...

Leslie & I...

Chris & Shanna

Katie, Katy, Carrie, & Cory

Joey & Leslie, our Georgia peeps...

Most of the guys looked my friend, John, all night...eyes glued to the game. Again, the reason we had two TVs or we might not have seen hide nor hair of the fellas. ;-)

And after dinner, there were Pumpkin Muffins, Chai Tea-infused S'mores, GF Chocolate Chip Cookies, and Chocolate GF Birthday cake with a Butter Cream Layer and Whipped Chocolate Frosting for dessert. Yuh-ummmm.

The Spread...

All in all, it felt like a perfect night and I am so thankful we have such great people in our lives! On Sunday, we got up and had scrambled eggs and leftover birthday cake - the breakfast of Champions - with two the of couples who stayed with us since they came from out of town. Joey and Leslie took off to spend time with their other Birmingham friends and then, as Matt & Laurie called it, the four of us had a perfect "Fat Kid Sunday..." where all we did was sit and watch TV and eat! Ha!

All in all, a fantastic friend-filled weekend!

Kitchen Reveal...

2011-11-03T22:17:00.001-05:00

Well, our kitchen looks like a totally different room thanks to Patrick and it is SO exciting to see such a big part of our "vision" for this room come together. Just to refresh your memory, here it is the day that we moved in. The only thing about this room I liked honestly was the tile.

Kitchen Day 1

And here it is today! The fridge is pulled out because the paint is still drying behind it so our island is off center...but you get the idea. I am SO SO SO pleased with the outcome.

Here is a closeup of the detail of our cabinets:

Here is the other side of the room:

Patrick was right to name his company "Particular Paint & Cabinet Design" has done a perfect job of doing what we've asked! He is extremely particular! ;-)

Fast Cars & Stomach Flutters...

2011-11-01T08:12:00.002-05:00

When I was in the 2nd grade, I woke up to the sound of murmurings coming from the direction of our living room and the distinct sound of my Mom crying. As a military family, you never want to get the mddle-of-the-night knock on the door because it can't mean anything good. I remember blinking at the clock and shuffling out to see what was going on.

In my recollection, I see the sight of strangers comforting my mom and can still remember the look on her face as she raised swollen, tear-filled eyes to my small face and said, "Go back to bed, honey." Never one to listen the first time when I recognize pain, I pleaded, "Mom, what's wrong?" and she told me that my dad's plane had crashed and that they were looking for him. It might have happened in a different order but I feel like they were still looking for him at that point. Again, she asked me to go to bed and promised she would let me know when they found him.

As a married, adult woman I look at the situation through her eyes and can only imagine what she must have felt when she got the "knock on the door". She had two blond-haired, blue-eyed babies sleeping in the next room and she'd just gotten the news that her husband's plane had gone down. I can only imagine how heavy and full of fear her heart must have felt - especially now that I know what it is to love someone and want to grow old with him.

Obviously, they found my dad that night. The impact of the plane had snapped his neck and broken his back and ribs...but we were given a miracle.

I remember sitting in my small desk at school...maybe the next day, maybe days later...and the teacher was teaching and there were kids all around me, some listening, some laughing and goofing off. And I will never forget looking around the room and thinking how "normal" it all seemed. Yet, here I was, feeling anything but normal. While the rest of the world kept going as if nothing had happened, my life felt like it was falling apart. I remember feeling the tears coming...almost as tangibly as if it were a freight train in the distance that was headed toward me fast. There was no stopping it...and the emotions got closer and closer until there I was, bawling my eyes out. I was scared and sad...but I was angry.

I grew up significantly in that nano-second. Life for me got too serious. I didn't know how to have the carefree nature of a child anymore. Some people become adults with age. Some with circumstances. Granted, I didn't have maturity yet...but I also wasn't exactly innocent to the hard knocks of life.

And with this realization, enter my A+B=C mentality. If I do this...or don't do that...say this...don't say that...life will all be ok. Over and over that formula failed but yet I didn't recognize that it my formula that was all jinky. I thought it was my inability to do said formula right.

Well, at 27 years old...enter DW. He took my fears and concerns seriously but he also knew when (and how!) to make me laugh. He has taught me that there is NO "formula" to this life and the only thing that will save me - besides my faith - is not to take life so seriously. I think I'm always going to view the world a little different to some degree, though.

It has been in the last 6 years of my life - since meeting him - where I've learned that no matter how much I want to, I can't control Life. Life is still that freight train, barreling down on you. Sometimes you forget to move out of the way and you get run over. Sometimes you jump at the last second. Sometimes you see it coming and you step to safety. Sometimes your closest friends or your spouse will lean over and say, "You do see that train coming, right?" and I'll say, "Ohp! No I didn't but thanks for pointing it out."

In the last six months, I've feel like I've had this major, personal Revolution go on inside. But it started with this spiritual Revolution I'm having. It feels like God has been squeezing the "old" out of me and replacing it with "new". A new nature, a new heart, a new love for Him. No longer do I follow Him because I think the formula from my childhood...A+B=C...will work. I follow Him because I'm falling in love with Him. And the more I love Him and the more I know Him, the more I recognize His voice and find that my desire is increasing.

Oh man, I wish I could convince everyone I know how much more there is to Faith than I ever recognized before. It is not about duty or obligation or rules. I will mess up. It's not about being "safe". Its about the fact that when we bring a heartfelt offering of ourselves each day, He will transform us.

I am no longer the little blond haired girl (well, literally) that decided life will run you over whether you like it or not if you're not really, really careful. So careful, actually, that all you end up doing is messing things up.

I'm a teenager, riding in a fast car with the music up loud and the hottest boy in school looking over at me and smiling. You know, that feeling. Yup, this Faith thing...it's up and down as I learn more and change more...but its that good.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. - John 10:10

Sneaky Peeky...

2011-10-31T18:57:00.003-05:00

The kitchen is well on it's way and I'm supa glad you can't see the little happy dance that I just did cuz it wasn't pretty. I'm telling you, I luuuuurve it. Like, I wanna marry it. ;-)

Patrick brought the painted doors back today and got to working on the glazing part of the project. The more I watch him, the more I recognize the "artistic" component that I'm lacking. He will take a door and say, "Does this look good?" and I say, "Yes!" and he'll grin and say, "Oh yea, well watch this...". Then he'll turn back to the door and do something a little extra or different...highlight a curve, add a little glaze in a certain spot, etc...and suddenly the whole door goes from, "Yes that looks good" to "Wowsa!" It's been so fun and such a learning process as well...

So here is what we started with today...fully dried and painted doors laid flat...

Patrick mixing up the black glaze to the right consistancy...

...and then doing a full brush down...

After he lets the glaze "set" a little bit, he calls me into the kitchen and he removes glaze and I say "Yes, take off more here"...or "No, you gotta add some back there..." The greatest part is that he's the needed-expertise to make sure I get it to match what I have in my head. I'm scared I couldn't have done that. After a bit of back and forth, here is a sneak peek of what we came up with, only the camera flash messes with the color of the cabinets a bit. There a bit more "brown" than this shows:

Also, here is what it looks like sans hardware. Once he knows I'm 100% sure, he goes ahead and mounts it. Ok, I can't help it: That's what she said!

After I got home this afternoon I worked out in the yard and "installed" some landscaping that my friend, John, recommended. He's a local landscape design guy in Birmingham and he told me what to get for the intial part of my project and I did the "man hours" to save money. We are going to hire his team at Nature's Edge a little down the road for the extra beautification stuff and his expertise. I went to high school with him so it was so fun to see him on HGTV not too long ago! Look at him growing up and getting all landscape-legit.

Anyway, just so you can see how far we've come even though we have a long way too go...here's what the house looked like the day we made an offer:

Most of the changes would only be noticeable to us, other than the high grass that is. We went from a one dimensional black shingle to a three dimensional, brown cottage style shingle when our roof was recently damaged during a hail storm. Because of the sun, you really can't tell a color change but it looks way better in person and plan to do different shutters in brown in the near future. We also had the roofers take off the old furnace pipes that weren't in use anymore and remove the large vents to get rid of "leak" opportunities. Instead, they added a ridge vent along the whole top of the roof instead of have those big metal things...it just gave the roof a "cleaner" look.

I pulled out the old dead bushes and today I installed "knockout roses" because even someone with a black thumb like me would have to work really hard to kill them. Before I planted them today, I placed them where I wanted them and stepped back to make sure I liked the way it looked from the street.

By next year, these should all be nice and filled in. Again, if I don't kill them. Our yard needs some serious work but that's years down the road. I love curb appeal but I'm inside most of the time so sorry, Mr. and Ms. Drivers-By. I know my yard needs some serious ju-ju done on it but this will just have to do for now!

I got 3 gallon Knockouts instead of the smaller plant because even the larges ones look kinda shrimpy at first. But no worries, knockouts don't take long to grow like crazy and need 4-6 full hours of direct sunlight...which is what they get on the front of our house.

I added leftover coffee grounds to each of the holes I dug for a "green" fertilizer rather than adding chemicals. Plus, it's a cheap way to fertilize. Coffee grounds are mildly acidic and provide a small amount of nitrogen so they help create more loose, well drained soil. From what I understand, you can use coffee grounds on all plants, but from what I read, it's especially good for acid-loving plants like roses. Let's hope anyway.

So that's it for now. My back feels like that of a 100 year old from bending and digging all day. A hot bath with epsom salt is calling my name!

Pick Up Your Sword...

2011-10-29T08:55:00.001-05:00

I cried all day yesterday. And I don't say that so that anyone will feel sorry for me...I'm just stating a pure and simple fact. This is what I do on here on this blog...I tell the "ups" and "downs". It ain't all pretty up in herrr. So I'd recommend hitting that top right red "X" if "perfection" is what you wanna read - because you won't find it here.

We all have hard days with regard to our personal struggles and I simply had a rough day. I was feeling "weak" from the moment I woke up yesterday. I didn't end up opening the Word to spend time with God even though I knew He was asking me to. I even blogged about how He was gently calling me to spend our time together...and truth? I didn't do it.

I know it's satan's latest tactic on me.

When I stepped back a little in my weakness, there was immediately the taunting, teasing comfort of (false) Rest. There is temptation here like I've never known...a realization that if I pick back up my time in prayer and the Word and my pursuit of knowing God more, this painful, exhausting storm will return and with a vengeance. But I will - I have to - choose to love God and pursue Him anyway.

I sent out an email to my closest female friends...those I know will pray when I say I need them to pray and I would do the same. Warriors on my behalf. Not just those who flippantly say, "I'll pray for you!" although we've all made that mistake. I wrote to them:

Our cabinet guy, Patrick, who is remodeling our kitchen is a Christian. For some reason, we chose him. It just felt right. In chit-chatting over the course of the last week, he told us that he's a painter. And today, as we were talking, he mentioned that he has this new "image" in his head he can't wait to get on a canvas...a painting that "came to him" in last several days as he's been working on our kitchen project. He said it's of a mother holding her naked infant child in her arms.

For whatever reason, when he said that, I felt like every bit of strength, resolve, and ability to push through left me. It didn't give me hope that a stranger was telling me that he was seeing an image of a mother with her child, it felt like he ripped my heart out. More false hope? I bit my tongue until I could politely excuse myself and then I found a private place in our house to cry my heart out and ask God, "How much longer? Is there pride I can't see? Show me! Something I haven't seen I need to see? Anything, Lord. Anything You want...it's yours. I'm yours...what more do you want?"

And though He didn't answer me yet, I know He will. I feel so lost and wonder every single day if I'm on track even a little with where He wants me.

How? How can I keep doing this? I have been putting one foot in front of the other for years. How can I take even one more? But if He asks me to, I will. Please pray for me. Please pray I will find the strength to stay in the boat, no matter how scary and overwhelming this storm may feel right now.

And I know these women prayed. I know because I woke up to replies of prayer and encouragement but I also know because I felt the Call again, "Come spend time with me, Child" and this time I was able to answer, "Okay."

And then I cracked open the Word and you know what the VERY first thing that I read this morning in my study? A title that said: "Fight the Good Fight" followed by Ephesians 6:10-11 which says:

Finally, be strengthened by the Lord and by His vast strength. Put on the full armor of God so that you can stand against the tactics of the devil.

I do not believe in coincidences in life. I just don't. I feel like - if I didn't know He loves me and that He was good - I would be so stinking freaked out at the proximity and sovereignty of God. He knows me. And even better, He cares. In all His greatness and goodness, He loves me? WHY, Lord? Why do you love me? I'm tempted to ask this SO often.

My study continued:

At times, the evidence of what we can see stacks up so high against the assurance of what we can't that a lifelong faith crumbles in a moment. How can we "fight the good fight of the faith" so that we can live a life pleasing to God?

Satan will stop at nothing to get us to lower our shield of faith so he can wound and burn us. He stacks up tangible evidence in opposition to God's assurances. He delights in doubts and lies. He studies our weaknesses and then aims where we are vulnerable. His priority job description is to keep us from believing God...first, for Salvation, and then for Completion (i.e. finishing the fight well).

What a freaking LOSER! I can't think of anything or anyone I despise more than this awful, deceitful enemy. I am SO sick of him lying to me. I am SO sick of him trying to take my eyes off my First Love.

Lord, thank you for meeting me in my weakness...thank you for drying my tears, for picking up my sword right where I dropped it and for putting it back in my hand. Thank you for lifting up my shield of faith from the dust where I've dragging it and pushing it back into place over my heart where it belongs.

Let my faith arise, help me in my unbelief...

Inside Out

2011-10-28T08:33:00.000-05:00

I woke up this morning and laid in bed listening to the sound of DW breathing beside me. Tucker was curled up at my feet in the exact spot he's slept for the last 13 years of his life and Sam was laying in his bed on the floor beside me. When I turned to look at him, he was looking straight into my eyes and his tail began to thump thump thump. Apparently he'd been waiting for me to wake up. I quietly scooted over and patted the bed beside me only once before he'd popped up into his morning "cuddle spot". Sam's a graceful "jumper"...he can land all 85 pounds on the bed without disturbing DW at all, which is quite an accomplishment. It's almost like he knows when DW wakes up, his chance in gone...it will be time to get up. Sam puts his back against the curve of my side and lays his head on the pillow as if he's a person. Once he's all settled in every morning and I wrap my arms around him, he inevitably breathes in really deep and then lets out a sigh of contentment.

Every morning this happens - which is every time I stop and make the time - it makes me smile.

It's almost like he and I have perfected this morning routine and it's just for us. I can't even explain how much I love this pup. As I snuggled in closer, I found myself unable to doze. I couldn't stop thinking...his first thought in the morning is me. He knows the call of his Master...and it is my call and my closeness that brings him to a place of great contentment. Hmmmm spiritual implications, much? Funny how Tucker and Sam (and Cooper) have been some of my greatest "teachers" about spiritual things. I find in them such a pure example of how God must want me to be.

Even now, as I'm writing...he's still gazing. And where I go, he goes.

As continued laying there, I thought back over the last three days and how I chose to sleep a little longer and then ran out of the house just in time to get to work. I skipped the all important moment where my first thought of the day was about my Master...I didn't wait for His call to come close, the moment where I could slide into the familiarity of a cup of coffee in my hand and some quiet time with just Him before all others are awake. I skipped my time to sigh deeply from the contentment of having this closeness with my Father.

I used to hate mornings. And I used to think "old" people were crazy for getting up so early just to drink "mud in a mug" as my Dad would call it. What in the world could be better than a little extra sleep? Well, now I know...contentment. I don't feel guilty about the last three days...but I recognize what I have missed and I acknowledge that "I got your message, Lord." I don't believe in coincidences.

Gah, I find myself thinking. Living a life of faith is the hardest thing I've ever done. It's like a walk in the wilderness in some ways.

You don't know where you are going...

...you don't know how long you will be there

...or what you might find...

...you don't know if any will go with you...

...you don't know what tomorrow holds for not one of us is promised tomorrow...

God, I love you, but I feel like you require SO much of me. Sometimes I feel like I could turn myself inside out and you'd want more. But I know why it feels this way...

...it's because He wants all of me.

Finishing Touches...

2011-10-28T00:45:00.000-05:00

We've gotten several things done that have been put on the backburner. It's hard to get motivated when you don't have any deadlines so I'm using DW's Birthday Dinner Party as incentive to get stuff finished. Let me apologize now for the grainy pics...I can't find my camera battery charger anywhere. Poop.

Our guest room curtains have needed to be hemmed and hung for, oh, 6 months. I found them on deep discount and bought them thinking I would find a place for them for that price. I saw them for sale in a local boutique for about 5X the price I paid. I miiiiight have done a little fist pump right there in the store when I realized how much I'd saved. Ok, no really. I did. ;-)

Finally got around to putting them up in our guest room and I'm just loving the way they look. They match the bedding set I bought at Tuesday Morning for about $20. The Love pillow actually cost more than the bedding at $30 but I couldn't pass it up. It's made out of an old potato sack. I was going for a bed & breakfast/vintage feel to that particular room. And the "Walker" picture was a wedding gift from someone we love a ton so it was great to find a spot for it!

We also figured out what to put above the television in our living room. We didn't want to mount the TV but it left the wall above looking kinda stark. So we cut paper examples the exact size of the stuff we were hanging marked it off spatially first, and then DW used the leveler to make sure the bottom edges were even. Then we actually marked the paper with where the nails should go and then just ripped the paper down when we were finished. Perfect lines!

Then we mounted one of these. I love industrial/iron stuff:

And finally got all 5 of them mounted. I decorate in "odds"...1, 3, 5. Never in even numbers. Don't know why...just think it always looks better.

I chose these unique sconces for our front tv room because we have an old iron and wood early 1900's era antique trunk for the coffee table, a black console, and a brown couch...so the rust and iron blends right in. I obviously lurve me some blacks and browns!

The smell-good, colorful candles add just enough femininity to make me happy. Won't lie, though, it's sorta old-world dungeon style. :-)

Recently, I found a really nice calendar featuring vintage reproductions of old Auburn football cover art to hang up in our informal living room off of the kitchen. They have them for pretty much all Universities by the way! DW likes to call it his "football room" and so far it has no furniture in it. It won't for a while until we 1) figure out what we want and 2) save.

I've had zero idea what to do in there on this extra long wall but knew that my goal was somewhat masculine (but not overly), inexpensive, but still pretty classy-looking...so it's been blank for the last six months while I've been figuring that out. I hate that I can't find my camera cord b/c these grainy pics do not do any justice for how great these look in person.

Anyway, I used the calendar for the pics and then matted and framed them with nice bronze and black frames that were 40% off.

Also, I used three other reproductions in his office to go above the antique c-roll desk we have in there. This is our future nursery one day so I keep hoping that c-roll gets the ax one day soon. :-)

The ones in the office are all Phil Neel reproductions, which is the guy who originally drew up the Auburn Tiger caricature, Aubie. I love these!

Now then. It's time to take a deep sigh and enjoy relaxing for the weekend! NO MORE projects for a looong while. Only updates on the kitchen. And saving moolah for the next project. TBD.

Hope you have a great one!

Kitchen Cabinet Progress...

2011-10-27T05:54:00.002-05:00

I've gotten several emails asking me if I'm doing the cabinets myself and the answer is a definite "No way!" At first we planned to and I kept trying to psych myself up to do it, but I chickened out. While I'm all about DIY stuff, after much thought and consideration, we decided our kitchen cabinets are too dangerous to attempt on our own. I would die if I did them wrong and would have to be reminded every day...and DW said he didn't want to hear about it if I didn't like it! :-) I got four quotes plus samples and then chose the person that most got my "vision" for the kitchen.

DW and finally picked a color we agreed on by Valspar called Antique Leather and then the glaze is black. While I can make one door look good, I didn't trust myself on 26 doors & 11 drawers plus a bar area and framing of the cabinets! :) I'm not sure continuity is my forte so we are leaving it to the experts.

Initially, as Patrick - or Patrickangelo as he's been called - was doing the prep of the cabinet frame, I kept thinking that we could have done ourselves. But again, I didn't want to find out the hard way that I couldn't...and I won't lie, it's so fun to come home to a new surprise every day with the changes. We've loved watching our kitchen transform. So far, here's what we've got going on:

Step 1: Take the doors and drawers off the cabinets and remove hardware. Clean hardware or make plans to replace.

Step 2: Something he did that I would never have thought of is to degrease the cabinet with a quick-drying alcohol. I would have just wiped them down with a damp rag. He explained that it removes all the body oils and grime that would cause the paint to go on unevenly. By the time he got done and ran his hand down the cabinet, it squeaked it was so clean.

Step 3: Test the primer. He put a primer on the cabinet, gave it a couple minutes to dry and then wiped to see how much the cabinets soaked in or rejected. Once he felt good that our cabinets would "hold" the primer without sanding them down, he proceeded to prime every inch of the cabinets that would be painted. He then waited 24 hours to let it fully dry.

Step 4: First coat of paint. His most serious recommendation was that you HAVE to keep the paint "wet" as you are working with it and make sure you don't paint over paint that had already started to "set". If you do that, your cabinet picks up the bristles of the brush and creates lines in the paint. Once it dries fully, you are free to do your second coat.

Note: If you get the paint on too thick, you'll lose the natural look of the grain and make it look "painted". Paint it too thin and your cabinets won't look good. It's at this point where I was really glad we hired him. Patrick got it just right so you can still see a bit of the grain and the black glaze will be able to grab the grain of the cabinets, creating that "aged" look we want. He said you have to be thorough, quick, and not hit the same spot again once it's started to dry even a little.

Patrick bustin a move when I said I wanted an "action shot"...

Step 5: Choose the hardware you want for your cabinets. Ours were originally brushed silver...but we want to go with bronze to match the blacks and browns we're mixing so we chose Venetian Bronze. We went the "value" route and got a couple 10 packs but can always come back and replace later if we wish - as long as we stay with the same colors. Right now, we don't wish. We've hit right on our budget and aren't doing anything else!

I love Patrickangelo. He's interesting and artsy and he keeps telling me that my cabinets are gonna be really "kickin". He also keeps me very in the loop about when he'll show up and leave and what's next. I like knowing. And best of all, I trust him...so I can relax. P.S. If you're in the Birmingham, AL metroplex and are considering cabinet refinishing or design, I can already say I recommend him without hesitation.

...to be continued with more steps and pics later...

Socially Irrelevant...

2011-10-26T09:06:00.001-05:00

I think it would be safe to say that I'm the type of person who doesn't like to miss out on anything. As a kid, I literally would not go to the bathroom until I thought I was going to have an accident...or, uhhhh, come to think of it...in the early years did have an accident. I can't help but think of a time in the second grade when I walked up to the librarian and told her, I need to go to the potty.

You can wait, she said, condescendingly.

No, I really can't. I remember replying, legs crossed and bouncing up and down. In my imagination I see my blue eyes looking up at her and fluttering my eyelashes ala PussNBoots on Shrek.

She smirks, having heard that before and said, "Sorry, bell is in five minutes. Tell your teacher."

And I'm quite sure, looking back, that she came to regret that decision. I peed my pants right there in front of her big oak desk. I remember the realization and horror in her eyes as she looked down at the growing puddle beneath my feet.

Hey, lady...when I say I've got to go...I've got to go. Trips to the bathroom only happen when there is not a moment left to spare. And that is true to this day. My mom and DW will still ask me, "Do you need to go to the bathroom? You're squirming." Ugh, I do. But I don't want to miss out..in the five minutes I'm gone I might miss something important!

Just for fun and full disclosure, that reminds me. My maiden name "Amy Metz" didn't really leave room for much harrassment. The worst someone could think of was asking me if "Aim" my favorite toothpaste or How are the Mets doing this year in baseball?

The few kids who tried to make fun of me like that just got my best, "Are you an idiot?" face. Is that all you've got? I remember thinking. But I'll forever laugh at the clever name, Wesley, a boy in my class who always tried to kiss me on the playground, came up with after the Great Library-Soaking Incident of 1985. After my mom brought me a change of clothes, I returned to Mrs. Sorano's class and slid into my wooden desk. Maybe I was mortified but I honestly don't remember being embarrassed. That is, until he leaned over and delivered my new nickname: Amy Wetz.

Genius, I tell you.

Ok, hmmmm....so now why did I tell that story again? Oh yeah! Socially Irrelevant. It's been ingrained in me since childhood - this need not to miss anything. But after my years of incarceration in high school, I reveled in the ability to do whatever I wanted in college and just be me. At the time, I didn't want to join a Sorority because, first and foremost, I couldn't. I didn't have the extra funds. Second, I didn't want anyone telling me where to be or what to do and at the time I thought that's what happened. There's nothing wrong with sororities and I admit sometimes I wish I could have join because I might have met some amazing people.

But I guess it's funny, in every stage of life, there is another reason to either be - or not be - part of the "cool crowd." While I love blogging and twitter, sometimes I feel like I have no. idea. what is going on. There the risk of being left out and ignored - even over the internet - or worse, misunderstood or misinterpreted. Because let's face it: the lack of eye contact and inflection of the written word is duh-AIN-gerous. And let's face it, if you feel a little socially awkward anyway, who wants that fact reaffirmed over the dubya dubya dubya (www).

I tweet, therefore I am needs to remain in proper perspective: I am, therefore I tweet. I blog, therefore I am should be "I am, therefore I blog".

Those who aren't in the "community" of blogging would likely find this concern/consideration laughable. Heck, I admit I do, too, in a way. But who hasn't peeked into the lives of others and thought, Man, I wish I could decorate like her. Or wow, she has a killer job, I wish I was that motivated. Or, dang her children are precious and she looks so put together. Or, stop complaining about your marriage, I just wish I had someone to come home to at night.

The danger in this "connectivity", in "community" such as this...is that you open yourself up to being a "have" or a "have not" once again. It's high school all over again...just with houses, money, cars, jobs, and children. Not to mention you've added in the additional pressure that the number of comments or @s you get tell you whether you're socially relevant. HA!

Some days I read, some days I disconnect. For me, it's a conscious effort on a daily basis to enjoy my own life and not get caught up in the many details and nuances of others. I delete the comments I catch myself writing that start with "I know you didn't ask my opinion but..." or "This is probably unsolicited advice but..." because I remind myself...they didn't ask for my stinking opinion. Person X is just sharing "life", good or bad, however I want to feel about it...but they didn't ask my opinion just because they shared.

I wish there were just a "like" button on blogs. Because that's really the only comment I want to make. Other than that, I try to keep my opinions to myself. And, if I'm "gone for five minutes"...oh well. If people quit caring about my thoughts and feelings and opinions in a matter of minutes, well, I was socially irrelevant en-e-way. And being socially irrelevant, I'm coming to realize, isn't all that bad. There is a certain anonymity and freedom with it I've come to embrace.

We're Committed Now!

2011-10-24T11:31:00.000-05:00

Holy Cow! Well, I say if there were any doubts on whether we would do this, we are committed now...the cabinets are down and my kitchen looks struuuu-ange. Now I know why I'm thankful for cabinet doors! What a mess...

I'm even more determined to get rid of that little scrolly/wavy piece of wood over the sink. Me no likey.

Cabinet doors, I'm finding, are a luxury I take for granted. I have to watch Tucker like a hawk so he doesn't get into the food...or teach Sam to. Recently, even with our doors on, our 13 year old Lab busted into a bag of GF flour and when I walked in, our 3 year old was quivering in his bed. He knew he'd done something he shouldn't and had the "plaster" whiskers to prove it. I can only imagine what surprises would await if I left them out while I was gone.

...And in seeing my open cabinets and catching a glimpse of my Prenatal vitamins, this makes me think of a funny story. Well, to me anyway. DW and I were at the store and I picked up some of my chewable vitamins because I can't stand pills for some reason. As we were walking to the car, I popped open the lid and grabbed two because I hadn't had mine for the day. What are those? DW asks and I tell him "They're prenatal vitamins...want one?"

He nods his head "yes" and says, "Yea, I want to try one." I'm guessing because they look yummy. Or maybe because he's a creeper. Not sure. Anyway, I hand one to him and walk around to the passenger side of the car but the door is still locked so I glanced up at DW to see what was the hold-up. His eyes are staring back at me, wide with shock and I say, "What?!" genuinely worried.

He replied, "Oh my gosh...I think I'm pregnant." If I'd had anything in my hands, I would have thrown it at his head. But instead I started laughing and couldn't stop. I could've never thought of something funny that fast! Never.

Anyway, our cabinet deadline is Friday, November 4th - the day before DW's birthday dinner party! We have several couples coming over and I'm thinking my kitchen better not look like this! :-) Can't wait to post after pics...and I'll apologize now but I'm going to post progress-pics along the way for the journal.

The "Hub" of a Home...

2011-10-23T10:18:00.010-05:00

DW and I weren't even officially dating when we drove over to the engagement party of his college roommate (a lot of years ago now). We pulled up this gorgeous home where the party was hosted and, sure, we were impressed. I mean, it was a turn-of-the-century southern mansion with ornate decorations and old southern charm! But let's face it...while beautiful, those kind of places make me so nervous. You can dress me up but it's very likely I'll drop the china or roll my ankle while walking in heels. Ha!

To this day, it was the after-engagement party that is seared in my memory. We were invited back to the house of the then-future bride's parents and when DW and I walked in, we both looked at each other and said, "WOW." The bride's parents had lovingly restored and updated the orginal "servant's quarters" of the mansion and turned it into one of the most gorgeous homes I've ever been in. This couple was into "Reused" and "Repurposed" before it was en vogue.

I love that memory for another reason...it was the first time DW and I admitted to anyone we were a couple. We'd been hanging out as friends for months with nothing going on except an escalating friendship... but only days before we had secretly admitted to one another there was something more there. It was the first time he held my hand in public or put his arm around me and my heart still flutters a little when I think of it. I remember how good it felt...but even more, how right it felt to be a couple. Guess my feelings then weren't too far off after all. :-)

Anyway, it is that very house that set "the standard" for us on what a home should be. They had a laundry/mudroom for their pups, a kitchen with a fireplace in it that just made you want to hang out there and socialize and, of course, the unique details of being in a old home. I loved the things like arched doorways and telephone nooks, different levels of floors, and the rooms built onto rooms. The house had great flow but you kinda had to run into people when walking through it. You couldn't "do life" without bumping into someone and DW and I both decided (separately) that day that we would have a home like that. In a post-party conversation in the car, we told the other one how we were feeling and it was one of those "Meeeeee, tooooo!" conversations. It was another "check" on the list of things we each wanted in the person we would eventually marry.

So, of course, the day we found a fixer upper in Birmingham that had the same "feel" it was a done deal if we could afford it. We offered so much less than the asking price it was stupid. In fact, we sorta made the offer and then wrote it off so when the realtor called my response was something along the lines of: "Imsorrywhatdidyoujustsay?" But it was meant to be.

We've had fun making the little changes around the house but we are embarking on our first "big one" and I'm so nervous...but really excited, too. This might be the most important room for me in the whole house because we both consider it the "hub" of our home. Not only because of where it's at in our floorplan but because we both want to create the same feel as that home we visited so long ago.

Here's our plan for the soon-to-be new "look":

We want the feel of "old" and "comfortable" and right now our cabinets are "pickled". The clear glaze the former owners used is also getting a hint of "pink" as it ages. That may be great for others but that is about the farthest thing from our look you can get. So after almost 6 months of debate and rethinking, we've officially decided the kitchen cabinet project is on like donkey kong.

We wanted to blend the black appliances and dark countertops (which will be replaced "one day") as well as the browns in the floor. Plus, we wanted something semi-distressed looking since our island is the focal point of the room.

After this, the kitchen projects will happen super slowly...but future details include brick backsplash, a brown cement sink, and a hanging pot rack over the island. But again, those are low on the totum pole and this project is the one I've been dreaming of since we bought the house!

Cheering on #9...

2011-10-21T10:40:00.006-05:00

One of the BEST things about being back in Alabama is that we get to be around to watch our nephews grow up. It's been one of the top reasons we, for the last 6 years, have had our eyes set on getting "home". Last night our oldest nephew, Hayden, had a football game and we headed over to watch and support him. It was the perfect night for football...or, well, my favorite kind of football night anyway. I love crisp, fall nights where you're not too hot and not too cold as long as you've got yourself a good blanket and some hot chocolate.

But back to Hayden...not only is he a great athlete, honestly, I'm not sure I've met a better (or more patient) big brother in my life. He is just a good, good kid. And he's so stinkin cute its ridiculous. I'm not biased or anything. ;-)

Hayden, or as I called him last night, Fro'-tee, & DW post game...

Corner player #9...

Speaking of cute...

Our youngest nephew, Titan, came and went and that boy is a hot mess. I luuuuurve me some Titan. He's a fun combination of salty and sweet. For example, last week we are at Paw Paw's funeral and I'm cruising by to go sit by DW with my plate of food the sweet church ladies cooked. Titan looks right up at me and patted the chair beside him and said in an authoritative tone, "You sit down right here." I told him I was going to sit by DW but I'd come steal hugs and kisses later. Nuh uhhh! he says with sparkling eyes and his boyish grin. Yup, I reply.

Last night he had a pack of skittles (or maybe it was peanuts?) and I looked over and saw him carefully choosing his colors in one of the rare moments he wasn't form-tacking his friend on the concrete near the cheerleaders. ha! He was seriously concentrating:

So I said, "Hey you! I want one..." but the truth is I just really wanted his attention. ;-) He turns and looks at me...and then turns to DW when Dub says he wants one, too. No! Titan playfully replies and gives us a mock frown...

But then he threw his head back revealing his adorable little Chompers and grinned...

And handed one over...

After the game was over, Titan also decided he would help his Daddy clean up some stuff on the field. He would go about 10 yards and drop his end, letting his shoulders sag in exaggerated fatigue. David would stop to wait for him to pick his end back up and eventually Titan would.

But then his mischievious side kicked in when he noticed he had an audience and this is what happened...you could hear quite a few people littered throughout the stands laughing while they watched.

And not to be left out, our middle nephew, Mason, is MIA from the pictures because he was far too busy playing tackle football and running around to stop for pics. He'd pop in now and then for food and drink but then he was iz-out. But isn't that how it should be at that age? :-)

Moments like this - and especially seeing Paw Paw in his last couple weeks - are the reason we ~~wanted~~ needed to get back home.

To Him, I'm Somebody...

2011-10-20T09:48:00.002-05:00

DW and I are at dinner and a tall, thin blond walks by and she is dressed to the nines. I point her out to him and say, "Whoa, she is gorgeous."

Meh. he replies, after barely a glance.

Seriously? I say and list about 20 qualities about blondie that equal perfection in my eyes.

He stops, mid bite and turns to get a better look. Again, Meh and he turns back to his food and me.

Long legs, I say. Too tall, he replies and we both laugh.

Skinny, I throw out. Skinny fat, he says grinning. I like my women with a lil meat.

Me: Gorgeous skin. Him: Too much makeup.

Me: Love her outfit. DW: She did look nice but you know I think sexy is a tshirt and worn out pair of jeans.

And then he focuses his eyes on my eyes and nods toward me because it's what I'm wearing. Pitter. Patter.

But...I start again.

He grins and says, Bud, quit.

And I smile and go back to our earlier conversation and just enjoying his company. We don't have those conversations much anymore. Every now and then we do...just because I love to hear what he'll say.

But we didn't quit having them because he told me a kajillion times that he thinks I'm pretty. Actually, DW isn't a super verbal guy about stuff like that. Some of the change is because I realized that my relationship is deep and committed and good. I know I'm loved. And while it's not perfect (in my mind, if anyone says they have a perfect relationship, it means someone isn't talking) but dang, it's perfect for me.

Mostly the change happened when I recognized DW is not my mirror.

I was in a relationship with a guy once who said, "Let me be your mirror." At first it sounded awesome and romantic. Worst. advice. EVER. In his mirror, the only beauty I had was based on how well I performed. And let's face it, none of us are perfect. With this person, nothing I could do would ever have been enough. He was a carnival mirror.

I've found my self-assurance has increased exponentially since I quit letting anyone on this earth be my mirror and I started going to my Father each time I doubted my "appearance". And by appearance I don't just mean looks. He is my only true mirror because He alone knows the truest intentions of my heart...good or bad.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder I've been told. So it only makes sense that the one who created me finds me beautiful...OR will tell me the truth about whether there is something unattractive I need to deal with. Again, not just referring to looks here.

Early in our marriage, I showed up with a cactus that I gave to DW with a note. Blah blah blah long story short the note said that the cactus represented me. It said something along the lines of: "What would appear to have thick skin and lots of thorns simply houses vulnerability. The soft stuff is on the inside but it's not necessarily easy to access. A little bit of water, time, and effort goes a long way." DW got the "message" of the cactus and smiled as he said he already knew that about me. I knew he knew. But I think I saw the idea in a romantic comedy once and really just wanted to use it. ha! The best ideas are often stolen ones. ;-)

It's funny, though...I've been comfortable with having my thorns. Yet, the more I grow in Christ and realize who he expects me to be, the more I realize He expects me to let my thorns fall off and the more He wants me to be vulnerable. I don't get to protect me. He protects me. He can provide me with the discernment I lack and teach me how to let people close. He can heal my hurts when I'm disappointed or someone misunderstands who I am or what I've said.

Win the battle, lose the war.

That's a mantra that's become a standby in my brain. I've realized that I could waste my time being my own "hollywood publicist". I could spend my life trying to convince someone what I meant by what I said or what I did. And that thought exhausts me. I can't possibly be likable to everyone. It's a lesson I've had to learn...to some I'll be everything and to others I'll be nothing. And the more secure I become with who I am and, even more important, who I am as a daughter of a King, that's totally ok by me.

To Him, I'm somebody...

Like DEEEEEESSSS?

2011-10-20T05:33:00.004-05:00

DW and I are watching Modern Family and Gloria is screaming at Phil in her thick Coal-lum-beee-ann accent. I press pause, look over at him and very loudly raise my voice, mimicking her accent.

COOOOOOOOUUUUULDDDD YYYYYEEEEEEWWWW LUUUUUVVVVVEEEE MEEEEEEE IFF I SOUNNNNDEEEE LYYYYYKKKKEEEE DEEEEEEEEESSSS?

He mock-frowns at me and says, Ummmm no...

Thank you, I think to myself. I mean, she's gorgeous but sometimes I wonder if living with that voice would be a bit much. I hit the play button on the remote and that's when I hear him mutter under his breath just loud enough to make sure I could hear, "Well, only if you had boobs like that..."

Good thing I know he's a legs guy. Otherwise he'd be a dead man. ;-)

All About the Little Things...

2011-10-19T14:00:00.000-05:00

When it comes to weight loss, it's ALL about the little things: taking the stairs instead of the elevator, parking a couple spaces back and walking a few extra steps, and ESPECIALLY about correctly gauging portion sizes.

It sometimes shocking to me how many of my FitLab clients don't know or aren't sure what a portion size is. So just in case, I thought I would share these tips to make measuring your food easy. When I'm eating "clean" I actually use my food scale religiously or use my tablespoon or measuring cups to dip out serving sizes. I mean, who is really lookin'? :-)

Portion sizes & equivalents:

1 cup = baseball

1/2 cup = 1/2 baseball, head of lightbulb

1/4 cup = racquetball

3 oz = deck of playing cards

4 oz = palm of a small woman's hand

2 tbs or 1 oz = 1 ping pong ball

1 tbs = 1/2 ping pong ball

1 oz lunch meat/cheese slice = DVD

1 serving of bread = size of old school cassette tape

Finally, keep in mind that 100 calories per day too many equals an overage of 3000 calories per month that's stored as fat. To put that in simple terms, that equivalent to 1 medium Chickfila sweet tea or 3/4 of a regular Coke per day. One pound of fat is 3500 calories...so that means if you gain almost a pound a month, you are looking at 10 pounds of fat every year. Eyeopening, isn't it?

Reaching Forward...

2011-10-18T21:47:00.002-05:00

I've been known to beat myself up for mistakes and that really stinks because I've made plenty of them in my life. :-) Not only am I trying to learn to give more grace to others (which I stink at btw), I'm also realizing I need to learn to extend that same grace to myself. For someone who loves God so much and desires His will so much, I sure do feel like I fail a lot.

Am I really making any difference in this life? I wonder sometimes as I'm sure we all do.

So I went to the Word after a really long day and it was like someone had given me water after a long run in the mid-summer Alabama heat. And if you know mid-summer Alabama heat, that's saying something. My eyes landed on a couple verses that weren't even the ones I was looking for but I found them resonating in me. So I diverted from tonight's plan for my study and gave into learning more about what spoke to me. And wow.

The verses were in Philippians 3 and Paul was talking to members of the church of Philippa about the fact that harmony, joy, and peace characterize the lives of those who are functioning as God intends. Eek! If I had to rate myself on a scale of 1 to 10, I've place "harmony, joy, and peace" at maybe a 4? Mostly I fail because of the "peace" bit. If things are calm, I'm waiting for the storm...and if I'm in a storm, I'm praying for the calm. I'm sure God looks down on me and shakes his head the way a Daddy would... watching his little girl burn the candle at both ends.

Anyway, back to it...let me summarize what Paul said because it's how I feel:

I'm not fully mature in my relationship with Christ and no doubt I'm going to screw up sometimes. And I'll be the first to say that I definitely don't have everything figured out but I try really hard to be a follower of Christ. I don't always do things the way I should but one thing I do really well is that I tell myself to forget what I've done in the past and focus my eyes forward.

Paul continues:

If you are mature in your faith you should try to do this (i.e. forget the past and focus your eyes forward). Let's not beat ourselves up over what we can't change. And if you don't think this way right now, God will get you to where He wants you. In the meantime, just focus on what you DO know about who Christ has called you to be and the truth about Him and yourself that you know for sure.

Obviously that's my paraphrase of Phil 3:12-16. In chapter 3, Paul told us not to look back and to focus our eyes forward. In chapter 4, he tells us what we should be forward-focused on.

Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is commendable - if there is any moral excellence and if there is anything praiseworthy - dwell on these things. Philippians 3:8-9

Those are beautiful words and I should want to think on those kinds of things! But if I really absorb the gravity of what those verses mean, it's kinda intimidating. They are words SO contrary to my nature. Or really what's natural to any of us. These words tell me to do exactly the opposite of this world that encourages tearing others down, judgmentalness, anger, jealousy, etc... Instead of being sucked into jealousy or anger or ___________, I am called to look for ANYTHING good in others or ANY good in any situation.

And the irony is that I'm sure if we really broke it down, we could find something good in anyone or anything. Maybe we can only see it after the fact, but I bet it would be there. Aha! You're kinda tricky, God. ;-)

I can't do that by myself. I don't do that by myself. I could give a laundry list of the way I've failed (even recently) when challenged with something that makes me uncomfortable or feels like a personal attack. In every sense of the word, I'm a failure left to myself but yet...somehow He considers me a beloved Child any way.

Blows. my. mind to serve a God such as this...

Pitter Patter...

2011-10-18T12:02:00.007-05:00

I'm seriously stressed. Which is exactly what I don't need to be doing. When I was a Senior in high school, I was diagnosed with a mild mitral valve prolapse in my heart. MVP is really not that big of a deal. Actually, a lot of women have that issue and don't even know it. But recently, I'd noticed I was having some strong take-your-breath palpitations and one afternoon while doing push ups, it felt like my heart literally stopped. Not good. And not too long ago I had such a searing pain in my chest that I spent an evening in the ER only to be diagnosed with "indigestion". I literally thought I might kill that doctor there are the spot. Freaking idiot. I know what indigestion is and it doesn't include breathlessness, weakness in the limbs, and fatigue.

Anyway, my palpitations have gotten worse and so I made an appt with my primary care doctor to get a referral to see a cardiologist. Yesterday I went in and the chest x-ray was fine but my EKG was not. The doctor said the electrical current through my heart slowed down when it went through the right side and that I needed further tests to determine what the issue was. He said if I were older, he would assume it meant a blockage. Um WHAT?! I'm 33, eat healthy, I'm at a healthy body weight, and I exercise very regularly. But I've got a history of high cholesterol and heart problems in my family...so I guess it's possible. It still just blows my mind and I keep telling myself he doesn't know anything yet so I can't worry about it.

He scheduled me for a stress test (treadmill) this afternoon at 3:00 p.m. - so at least I don't have to wait long to know what's up. But the stress I'm feeling ABOUT the stress test is giving me palpitations. Ha! This is ridiculous. So if you think about it, a prayer at 3:00 would be greatly appreciated.

To add to that stress, I made a completely thoughtless move yesterday. I created stress for myself and that's my own fault. I tweeted something in frustration about a client that wasn't returning my phone calls. I think I've said something one other time about being stood up for a 4:45 AM session but come on! Who wouldn't be frustrated about that in all fairness?! ;-)

Anyway, we've somewhat become friends as well so she told me to "harrass her" and "hold her accountable". When I called her 3 times in two days and got no answer, I half joking/half frustrated made a general comment about the fact that I knew she was by her phone b/c I could see she was just a'tweeting away. She's not private so I followed her a while back. I was tired and stressed out and I don't really even think of people as reading my stupid tweets...and I just vented. Well, apparently, the generality of it was a dumb move on my part because several friends joked with me that they were checking their phones for missed calls from me, wondering if I was talking about them. Gosh no! But I didn't think it through about how it would look to personal friends.

Bad move on my part. I try to always look at things positively and not be a negative person...but I messed up yesterday. And I'm trying not to beat myself up for something I did because I know everyone does crap they didn't think all the way through now and then. I guess this is my way of admitting, apologizing, and hoping that if anyone reading saw it and wondered what it was about...it wasn't a "dig" on anyone who even follows my Twitter. But, the truth is, I shouldn't have taken a dig at all and I wouldn't have this stinkin problem right now.

It's been an interesting season in my life to say the least. DW and I both know that moving to Birmingham was the right decision but we've just really struggled with settling in. DW has been traveling a lot and so we really haven't settled into a small group or gone to things that have given us a chance to know people. Plus, I feel no shame in saying it: I'm someone who craves an element of routine and I've been out of my routine since we moved here. My mom used to tell me every time we moved that I wasn't allowed to make a decision on what I thought of a place until I'd lived there a year. That was great advice.

It hasn't been easy starting FitLab over, especially since the gym I partnered with recently announced that it was closing and reopening in a location WAY too far away. But I'm very happy to say I'm working with two gyms now - both closer and with clientele - and I'm adding a Pilates Reformer certification to my repertoire of fitness-related skills. I'm really looking forward to that!

It's not that life is bad or anything...it just that we are still figuring things out. I guess you could just call it growing pains. Nothing about my life is that interesting or impressive or even blog-worthy...other than to just record my every day thoughts for our "journal". So that's what this is.

Lasty, and actually very important to mention, is that DW's grandfather's funeral was amazing. I can't even begin to tell you how much he was loved and what an example he was in his church and community. When we got to the funeral, the parking lot was just slammed with cars. Both Dusty and his older brother spoke a little about what Paw Paw meant to them and between the two of them, there wasn't a dry eye left in the place. Not that any of us want to die but I think we should all hope that our life would count for so much!

Amazima

2011-10-16T16:11:00.003-05:00

DW and I heard Katie Davis speak today at our church and I can't even begin to tell you how real she was and how much her story has touched me. At 22 years old, she is the adoptive mom of 14 children and is the founder of Amazima Ministries. I just wanted to share a small glimpse into her world:

I kid you not, if she called me today and asked DW and I to come, we agreed we would both be moving to Uganda. In the meantime, I guess keeping up with her via her blog will have to do. :-)

Until We Meet Again...

2011-10-14T07:26:00.002-05:00

DW's grandfather passed away earlier in the week and we are headed to the funeral later this morning. My heart aches for his Granny, DW, my mother-in-law, Pam, and the other family members left behind.

Truthfully, I've only known Paw Paw for the last six years so I can't even presume to know the grief that those who have loved him for a lifetime must feel. I do know that there is a bit of a hole in my own heart thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas ahead without him.

Paw Paw's visitation last night was humbling, quite honestly. Each person that showed up (and there were a ton) had great things to say about his character...how he was always the first person to lend a hand when someone was in need and how he never missed an opportunity to share the love of Jesus. So many had stories of how generous Paw Paw was with his time and his affection. He was obviously greatly admired and loved and I'd say that's an amazing legacy to leave behind.

Could you imagine a man who has great monetary riches but absolutely no one to show up to testify to the quality and value of his life? That, to me, is the ultimate kind of poverty. Paw Paw, on the other hand, I believe with all my heart, is a extremely wealthy man. He is no doubt full up on riches in heaven from the investments he made in people on this earth. I can only imagine how many people welcomed him with singing and celebration upon his arrival into heaven...

...so until we meet again, Paw Paw! You are greatly missed!

Shipwrecked...

2011-10-13T08:34:00.007-05:00

There are times when I'm literally amazed that such an "old book" can be so applicable and real. How can something written a bazillion years ago have any value for me in my life today? one could easily ask themselves. Well, maybe you'll give me a chance to show you how an old account has applicability for today.

I was reading yesterday morning through Acts 27:1 – Acts 28:10 which is the account of Paul getting transported, as a prisoner, to Rome on a ship. During the long journey, the crew and passengers experienced such a severe storm that Paul said, "The voyage was headed toward damage and heavy loss, not only of the cargo and the ship but also of our lives." (v10) Simply put: the journey by all appearances looked hopeless.

As I continued to read the account of the event and came to v20, I couldn’t help but feel that Paul’s words could have been words I might use to describe my own journey:

For many days neither the sun nor stars appeared, and the severe storm kept raging. Finally all hope that we would be saved was disappearing.

Next to that verse in my Bible, I wrote today’s date because it described how I often feel in this season of my life. The reason I put a date is because I know one day I'm going to look back at that verse and see the date beside it and be able to have a written account that God has been faithful to me. No matter that right now it's hard to imagine. In the midst of this "severe storm", on this seemingly never-ending journey, I’m choosing to trust Him.

A few verses later in v24, God gave Paul a vision and told him, despite the way things may look, Paul and the others with him on the ship would be saved but warned the ship was going to run aground. It's funny, when I think of God and His ability to deliver us from our struggles and heartache, I always expect that He should act quickly to save us from our circumstances. After all, He is God and He is able to, right?

Yet what struck me about this verse is, although He promised to save Paul, God never promised that Paul's ship wouldn't wreck. It's hard to realize that though God has the power to help us avoid all our troubles, sometimes He knows that our troubles will make us stronger, teach us to depend on Him more, or ideally, BOTH.

I don't know about you, but when I face the "severe storms" in life, I tend to believe that the heavy winds and raging seas must mean I've somehow gotten "off course"...and God has been teaching me recently that is not necessarily the case.

Despite the news that they would all reach safety, some of the sailors tried to escape from the ship by pretending they were going to put anchors down (v30). Paul knew that they were really trying to find safety by their own strength and told the Authorities of the ship that "unless these men stay in the ship, they cannot be saved." Regardless that they were told that safety meant staying in the boat, the soldiers cut the ropes holding up the getaway skiff and let it drop away from the bigger ship. In their minds, they were convinced that the only shot they had for survival was to take matters into their own hands. By all indications, those men died. It struck me really hard the only thing God really required of them was to just stay in the boat.

Eventually the ship ran aground, just as God had told Paul in his vision, and I thought the wording of v39 and following was crazy interesting. "When daylight came, they did not recognize the land but sighted a bay within a beach. They planned to run the ship ashore if they could." The second they saw land they made a plan that made sense to them. God had told them they would be OK and they would run aground...so what did they do? They assumed the first beach they saw was their answer and "set the boat's course toward the bay with the beach." Isn't that just like you and I? We see the first thing that looks even moderately good and we try to assume that MUST be God's plan. When the truth is, if we could just hang on and cling to the boat for the remainder of the journey, God's plan is going to be so much better.

v41 But they struck a sandbar and ran the ship aground. The bow jammed fast and remained immovable, while the stern began to break up by the pounding of the waves.

I find it interesting that the word used for the boat (the vessel that got them from Point A to Point B in the journey) was “immovable”. I think it was pretty obvious that they had reached the end of this journey not only because the ship “immovable”, but also because the very vessel that had taken them on their journey began to break apart. God gave a clear indication that it was finally time to leave the “safety” of the boat.

v43-44 The men who could swim were told to jump overboard and swim to the island. The others clung to the debris and the planks, the little that remained of the ship, and "in this way, safely reached the shore." God made it obvious this part of their journey was over.

Finally, they reached Malta where the local people showed "extraordinary kindness" and provided them with food and rest. God had supplied them a specific place to allow them time to recover from their journey.

Could God's plan, in retrospect, BE any more clear? It's funny how having a bird's eye view of the whole thing makes everything seem so dang obvious but when you're down in the middle of it you can't see the forest for all of the trees. Based on these events, here are the applications or implications that I personally took away from Acts 27 and I believe the same are true for you, wherever you may be in your personal journey or struggle:

1. Waging winds and crashing seas don't necessarily mean your ship is off course. (v10)

2. If you start to lose hope, remember you aren't the first and you won't be the last one to doubt in God's plan for your journey. (v20)

3. When we try to take things into our own hands, the consequences are often devastating. Stay in the boat for God has promised that He will bring you to safety. (v24-30)

4. Don't always assume that the first land you see is where you were meant to go. God will run your ship into the "immovable" ground and “break it apart” when He's ready for this part of your journey to be over. (v41)

5. After we face a storm, God will supply us a place where we are able to eat and find rest. As with the men on the island of Malta, sometimes we might even see miracles while we are in this place. (v44)

6. During this time where you have plenty to eat and are able to rest, also spend the time getting mentally, emotionally, and spiritually ready for the next journey...because it is, no doubt, on its way. (Acts 28:10)

I’ve always viewed my struggle with infertility as a journey of sorts. Even in the midst of all the questions and confusion and wondering if things will ever change, I feel a certain element of peace and can’t help but acknowledge that God is definitely right here beside me, doing every step of this journey with me. He has been my most constant, closest friend along the way.

My life got infinitely easier the day I choose to be thankful for each and every lesson and disappointment and heartache this journey has taught me. I believe I am a better person for experiencing suffering and for not getting everything I want, right when I want it. I am more empathetic, less self-involved, deeply invested in other women who have been on a journey like this, are currently on it with me now, or might one day experience infertility. Because I know the pain of "not knowing", I have a deep sympathy for those who struggle with the heartache of singleness as well. Really infertility and singleness aren't that different. The unknown is a silent killer of hopes and dreams.

What I used to view as a walk through the desert alone has become a much different journey with each footstep forward. Each day this journey transforms into something completely new. It doesn’t make any sense. And yet it does.

But one thing I'm sure of: all I really need to do is just stay in the dang boat.

I'll Meet You In the Middle...

2011-10-12T05:36:00.011-05:00

I'm an outward processor. DW is an internalizer. Which means that 85% of the time we work really well together but that other 15% leaves room for stressing each other out. Sometimes I need to hear what is going on in that head of his...and DW will admit that he'd love for me to keep my thoughts IN my head every now and then. Ha!

When we first bought our house, we agreed on several things we would like to do. But then I'm constantly finding different house-related ideas and running them by DW to see what he thinks. It doesn't mean that I actually want to do them...but I dream out loud and then usually forget about 75% of those things in 10 minutes.

You know what I think would look great? Blah, blah, blah, blah...I'd say and though he would agree, I sensed a certain element of tension in his nod or comments that I didn't understand. After a couple times of my house-related outward processing, he finally said, "You know what would really help me?"

What? I reply.

"A list." he said, my ever-practical man. "I would really like to make a project list and include budget stuff. I think we need to prioritze the list so I don't feel like we are planning on doing all these now." He admitted he likes all my ideas but couldn't help but feel a little overwhelmed at how we could prioritize what is a need to do and what is a want to do.

We both love home-related design stuff and DIY projects...but he admitted he was worried that, unless we made a plan-of-action, we might not agree on when the projects should be accomplished...and what our budget for each project would be. We both agreed we wanted this to be fun process - a labor of love, if you will - rather than a stressor on our finances and marriage.

So as we were roadtrippin one afternoon, DW said, "Hey Bud, reach back and grab my computer." I complied and he said, "Ok, let's list everything we can think of that we would want to EVER do to the house." Ok! I said, thinking it would be fun.

So we did that.

Then he said, Alright, now put in several columns: 1 to 3 months, 1 year, 3 years, 5 years, and 10 years and separate them into an Amy category and a DW category. Which I did.

And then he said, Now you go through and mark everything with your expected time line and don't tell me. Then, when you're done you can read the "project list" to me and I'll give you my expected time line on each one.

You can't say anything yet! he made sure to add. I marked my answers and then marked each category based on his "blind" answers...I admit it was fun to listen to DW say his expectations and see how many we had the same. Which was actually a lot!

As expected, there were a few we didn't agree on.

So we added an "Agreed Priority" column and we both got to list our reasons for why the project date should be adjusted. Based on our discussion, we came to an agreed priority. We both conceded some, won some and, if we couldn't agree, we just met in the middle on some.

Then, we went through and did a rough estimate on the cost of the project and the "expected complete date" and then, to get wild and crazy (ha!) we added an "actual completion date" column. Finally, we highlighted each column with:

Yellow - Early Time frame in range

Green - Late time frame in range

Orange - As soon as possible

No color equals general preference in time frame

As completely nerdy as it sounds, it was the perfect drive time "game" we could've played. It decreased both of our stressors and expectations by knowing that we were on the same page regarding every project. It also gave us time-specific goals to reach in order to allow us to do the projects AND gave us the foundation for setting our project-related budget.

What could have turned into a battle instead became a joy...because we managed and set expectations. It was probably the most peaceful, productive conversation we could have ever had regarding managing expectations and money.

The final thing we made a pact on...if we don't have the money, we don't do the project. This isn't a go-into-debt thing. This is a do it when we have it thing. We want the transformation of this house to be a joyful thing. And we both know that life doesn't always go as planned. As much as we would love to do everything yesterday, our 10 year plan may, in fact, turn into a 40 year plan.

And that is just fine with us...we've got a lifetime together to do it. ;-)

All The Good I Need...

2011-10-11T08:03:00.001-05:00

While I'd love to regal you with stories of all the fun things I did this past week and over the weekend, I've got nothing. It felt like a never-ending week because DW was gone for work the whole week/end and my life is much less interesting when he's gone! ;-)

That said, it left me with a lot of time on my hands to plan a birthday party/dinner for DW with a few friends and I can't wait! This is my first time to ever plan a party and live in a city where we actually know people. I'm hoping that I can reach deep and find creative skills that I didn't even know I had. I want to share all of my ideas SO bad but don't want to spoil anything.

My heart has been heavy the last couple weeks. I mean, like a boulder in my chest. It seems like so many friends are struggling right now...so many people in our life are seriously struggling in their marriages/relationships, finances and just struggling...period. This being-a-grownup thing is hard. I know I've been writing a lot about God lately but it's truthfully because He's on my mind a lot. I feel like I'm in a major growing/changing phase and I just can't shake the feeling that something is coming in our lives...I just don't know what it looks like yet.

What I want to share today I took straight from the study I'm doing called Living Beyond Yourself because there is NO way I could say it better. This may have just become my favorite Bible lesson ever! Beth Moore said:

Do you ever tire of riding the roller coaster of faith? of being up one day and down the next? or believing Him one minute and not the next? We can exercise our faith in God in one of two ways. One leaves us at the mercy of life's constant ups and downs. The other is the key to steadfast faith - the way off the roller coaster to begin walking with God and practicing a faith that can't be "greatly moved" (Ps 62:2). Every believer falls into one of these two categories on the basis of her answer to one simple question: do you base your faith on what God does or who He is?

FAITH BASED ON WHAT GOD DOES:
The person with this kind of faith lives by the unspoken motto: I believe God as long as He does what I ask. Her faith is built on how often and how well God answers prayers. Such "faith" depends on results and is fueled by sight. (Inserted by me: Ouch. Been guilty of this one.)

Faith in what God does is your ticket to ride a roller coaster that ascends the hill during times when God's activity is obvious and then barrels down the hill the moment God seems inactive. The process never stops.

The problem with this is defined in Isaiah 55:8-9 "For my thoughts are not your thoughts and your ways are not my ways. Beth Moore continues:

If your faith is based on what God is doing, you are in for the scariest ride of your life. We will rarely be able to perceive God's actions, though they will always be wonderful and good. They are beyond our earthly understanding. In the times when He seems inactive, He may be accomplishing more than ever! You see, a "what God does" faith is not really faith at all. Although it is focused on God, it is still born in the realm of the obvious, or that which is seen. The faith of the faithless says, "If God is not obvious, He is obviously not God."

FAITH BASED ON WHO GOD IS:
Genuine faith walks steadfastly with God for the pleasure of His company not for His results. (Um, wow.)

Why is faith based on who God is a faith not greatly moved? Because it focuses on a God not greatly moved! It increases our understanding of His ways. Prioritizing who He is will more accurately help us interpret what He does...

...You see, what God appears to be doing changes constantly from our perspective. He may heal one person while He calls another home. He may be glorified in the poverty of one and the riches of another. He will likely exalt you one year and humble you the next. Our entire lives are lent to change. But who He is will never change. As He reveals Himself to you, His heart remains the same. In the midst of society where the only thing you can count on is that you can't count on anything, God is your guarantee. His faithfulness flows from who He is. To please Him, our faithfulness must do the same.

I cannot begin to recall the times I have survived based on my limited understanding of who God is. At times when I could not understand what He was doing, why He permitted some of my experiences, or why He had allowed my friend's child to die of cancer, I continued forward with these words: "God I can't understand why you are doing this. But I know that, unlike me, Your actions cannot be inconsistant with Your heart, and I know that Your heart is loving, good and faithful. Somehow, some way, somewhere all these things are for good. If I could just know you better through this, that is all the good I need."

I hope this hits even one person as much it did me! Good stuff right there...

Wanted: Antique Wooden C Clamp

2011-10-08T07:52:00.001-05:00

I'd like to make a request...and I'm shamelessly (ok, maybe a little shamefully) using my blog to do it because the more eyes on the lookout for these, the better.

If any of you antique shoppers and junkers ever run across a vintage wooden C Clamp of various sizes, PLEASE contact me! And if you find a pair of them in either 14" or 16"...I'll be indebted to you forever. They aren't usually very expensive - just old - so if you find a pair in good condition and that size, put them on hold and please send me the contact information for the seller! DW and I have a sick DIY rolling around in our brains but these are harder to find than I thought.

Why We Went Gluten Free...and Should You?

2011-10-06T19:39:00.028-05:00

I've gotten a lot of requests for more information on our Gluten Free lifestyle so here goes...

Not sure if many of you remember, but when DW ended up in the ER almost a year ago, we were shocked (and obviously terrified) when we were given the diagnosis that a mass had been discovered in his brain. He was referred to a Specialist and we were left facing a potentially harsh reality - especially since a brain tumor would explain so many symptoms he had been having!!! The most common were:

fogginess and trouble finding words he was looking for

pressure at the base of his skull/top of his neck

moderate-to-full blown migraine type headaches

vomiting (usually from headaches but not always)

overall fatigue mentally and physically

short term (and some long term) memory loss

symptoms that worsened, it always seemed, after eating

acid reflux and general digestive complaints

trouble remembering and processing details

As it turned out, there was a mass but it was something he was born with and even if it burst he wouldn't know. It was not life threatening, praise God. That said, the Specialist didn't really have any answers for the cause of all these symptoms...especially because a regular physical and blood work showed nothing out of the ordinary. He said it wasn't the mass causing them but we weren't imagining it...were we? So WHAT was wrong?!

DW swore that these weren't just regular attributes of his personality and, as his wife who watched the symptoms get worse over time, I concurred. We tried to think of everything: we had him do a full physical with a doctor, bought a blood pressure kit to check that, a glucose kit to test his insulin levels since it seemed to worsen after food, we tried to attribute it to a certain food (but couldn't)...and so the discovery of a mass in his brain left both of us reeling.

What. the. heck?!

The headaches and neck stiffness/tightness were the number one things that was bothering DW...and the funny thing was I had been complaining about neck stiffness and tightness for YEARS. We even went as far as to have our water checked for toxins that we might be ingesting. His doctor's solution was to put him on 3 medicines for life related to "migraines"...but DW just wasn't having it. That only dealt with 1 of the symptoms in his long list of symptoms. And both of us are of the belief that, while some medicines are helpful, others just mask the problems you're having - or trade it for different ones. No thanks.

Through some research on DW's part and, honestly, a fluke thing that would take too long to explain, he happened upon the GF thing and announced he was giving it a shot for a few weeks. The result was, to be honest, shocking. As a fitness professional and nutrition coach, I knew about Gluten Free but that was something Extremists did. I was a "moderation in everything" person...until now. I'm still "moderation in everything" regarding everything but Gluten. Well, and a few other things like processed foods and high fructose corn syrup. But that's beside the point, really. Except that when you get rid of gluten you get rid of those two things pretty much completely as well. So ha!

Here's the thing...no one but you can decide whether Gluten Free is a worthy sacrifice. But let me give you some deets on going Gluten Free and then think abowdit.

People hear "Gluten Free" and think they can't eat anything they love anymore but the opposite is true. You can eat everything the same as before...you just have to choose food sources besides wheat, barley, and rye. And there are plenty of great substitues for flour that you can barely tell the difference...and in a lot of cases, if done right, can't tell at all.

The facts: Estimates say as many as 1 in a 133 people have full blown Celiacs disease and don't know it. Even more people have an allergy or some intolerance to Gluten. I happen to think (now) that no one's body likes the stuff...it's just to what degree the body hates it.

Bottom line: gluten is a binding agent and a "filler" that allows Big Food companies to provide us with food at less cost to themselves. Uh hmmm (clears throat) Did I just cross the line into conspiracy theorist? Maybe but whatev. I stand behind my opinion. The trade off for us is that we are still getting plenty of food but less of it has bioavailable quality nutrients for our body...so while we may feel full, it doesn't mean that we are getting the things we need from the foods we eat.

Some studies show that people can have issues with it and never attribute the symptoms to Gluten...and only because we went Gluten Free did DW and I come to believe that's the case with Me. As I already mentioned, I had the same neck tension and tightness at the base of the skull but that's the only symptom we "shared". I loosely went GF at first because I didn't think his problem was my problem other than to cook for him. But when I wasn't with DW, I was gluten-ing it up.

Over time, what I started to notice, is that when I was strictly eating with DW or at home some issues were missing. When I ate the foods with gluten, the symptoms showed back up. After some serious cheer leading and requesting on DW's part, I agreed to go full-on GF for a while...just to see. I had NO IDEA how life-changing this choice would be for me. Over time, I was able to discern that there were several symptoms I just thought were "normal" that weren't normal at all. My symptoms where totally different than DW's but here they are, in all their glory:

mild to moderate headaches

NO energy (and I mean EVER! I just forced myself through each day)

Constant Body aches (flu-like symptoms)

feeling abnormally bloated and sluggish after eating

struggled to keep lean muscle mass

and the two biggest ones...

Major lack of regularity (sorry, but it's true)

infertility/annovulation

Note: I didn't have any brain-related/mental symptoms like DW. Mine were all physical so I just thought that was "me". Well...Wrong answer, Lips...as my Dad likes to say. When Gluten exited the building, so did 95% of those issues. And I'm not making this up...I DID NOT WANT TO BE GLUTEN FREE.

But now I would never go back.

The problem with Gluten: because of the fact that our bodies are getting less nutrients from food directly and even less because our intestines build up scar tissue from the constant irritant in the body (which further decreases absorption of nutrients), people are manifesting more problems and each person responds to the nutrition deficiency differently. Some people have intestinal issues like Irritable Bowel Syndrome (IBS), Acid reflux, bloating, gas, diarrhea, etc...and some don't feel that at all. Others have the physical pain I did...body aches, fatigue, and overall achiness. Others, simply have "unexplainable" symptoms like those diagnosed with fibromyalgia and infertility. (Raising my hand)

STOP! Before you start telling me that you've "heard" people say that going Gluten Free can cause an allergy, let's discuss something. Pretend with me for a minute that you decided to stop eating peanuts, peanut butter, or nuts of any sort for 30 days even though you have eaten it your whole life and aren't allergic. After 30 days of no nuts, you start eating nuts again...are you suddenly allergic? NO. But if you notice you don't feel good anymore, it's possible you had a mild allergy that you hadn't noticed because you hadn't removed it from your diet. So as for creating a gluten allergy? In my wee lil mind, that doesn't seem possible.

Now that we are GF, I make our own bread, pizzas, cookies, etc and the market for GF options is blowing up so there is more & more available. We invested in a bread-maker because it's a huge time suck without one...but you can't beat the ability to throw 5 ingredients into a machine and come home several hours later to the smell of fresh baked bread pumping through your house. I don't care who you are...that's good stuff.

Cooking "gourmet", organic, and gluten free has become kinda a hobby of ours. I honestly thought I would die a slow death of consuming cardboard-like foods for the rest of my life but actually the opposite is true. I eat higher quality foods, feel better, and I'm more a foodie now than ever - just in a hugely healthy way. I've only got this one body God gave me and although I don't want to live to the point where all I can do is drool on myself and poop my pants, I DO want to live with a high quality of life for the years I've got!

So what do I eat?

Well, for starters: obviously fresh, lean meats (bison, venison, chicken, limited red meats) and fish, veggies and fruits, nuts, beans, etc...are better for you anyway. A couple favs for getting in the baked goods I can't live without are the Pamela's and the Bob's Red Mill line of GF products. Also, there is Cherrybrook Farms, King Arthur Flour, and Domata...just to name a few. I'm telling you...you can find everything if you look.

My favorite bread mix kit is by Gluten Free Pantry and is called "Favorite Sandwich Bread Mix" and I have it on autoship from Amazon so it's cheaper. I make 1 loaf on average a week, sometimes more depending - but I've tweaked the recipe so the texture is better and more like "normal" bread.

Kinnikinnick premade pizza crusts (freezer section) are fantastic. Glutino has a great line of crackers, pretzels, cookies (even Oreos) but their premade breads BITE and Bakery On Main and Udi's have good breakfast cereals. Canyon Bakehouse is my favorite bread that's premade and it's the only hamburger bun that actually tastes like a hamburger bun. The other ones taste like you're eating a biscuit burger. And sorry but that just doesn't cut it. We haven't ever gotten any contamination from Alexia's sweet potato fries although they aren't labeled GF.

Boar's Head deli meat, cheeses, and condiments are all gluten free (and yummy!) but you'll need to ask the person to thoroughly clean the slicer to avoid cross-contamination. The best chips ever are Food Should Taste Good brand. Ever.

My favorite meal/snack bars are called Think Thin and Think Thin Crunch as well as Kind Bars (PB+Choc+Protein is too die for) and other Kind products like their new granola line. And Justin's line of nut butters (almond, peanut, hazelnut) are gluten free and are so good they'll make you slap yo mamma. Most of these items can be found at your regular grocery store...and if not, ask. They'll order them.

What's the bad news?

Eating out is harder. Definitely. But if you know what to ask/look for, it's not that bad.

Really the only thing that is super disappointing in this GF journey is for DW because he can't drink regular beer. While I'm on the subject, I'll go ahead and state now for the record (since I talk about God a lot and want to make sure I'm clear so as not to send mixed messages)...we don't think that drinking is wrong nor hypocritical unless you do it in excess or in front of others who feel strongly against it. In that case, we suspend our right to drink for their personal boundaries and comfort in that specific situation. But to have a glass of wine with dinner or a beer after mowing the lawn is fine in our opinions.

Moving on...We've found some alternatives like Annheiser Busch's Redbridge and Bard's also has a GF beer but that's still seriously evolving. Aussies, you are great at beer...send a good GF one over, please!!! Also, grain alcohols are a no-no.

Lastly, the cookbooks I have and like are: Cooking Light has a GF cookbook now, I love one called Gluten-Free Made Simple and Gluten Free on a Shoe String is great.

For more blogs and resources...check out the right side of my sidebar, pretty far down. There's more there.

So how do I do it? you may be wondering. Well, since someone else has already explained it, I'll let the Gluten Free Goddess give you the quick & dirty version. She does a great job of showing you how much you CAN eat! It's worth a click here.

Questions?

P.S. If you can't comment b/c Blogger bites right now, feel free to email me at {amwalk21} at {gmail} dot {com}.

Get Your Money's Worth, Honey...

2011-10-06T09:43:00.003-05:00

This past weekend Dusty and I went to Dallas because I had scheduled some FitLab testing there as well as (and most importantly) it was my Dad's birthday weekend. The timing was perfect because I always hate missing out on important dates because we live so far but, honestly, the timing was good because I was just homesick. I needed some time with my family.

My Dad picked us up at the airport and since DW and I were starving, we convinced my Dad to eat a second breakfast over at the Kozy Kitchen off McKinney Avenue. Its an all organic and Gluten Free restaurant so it was nice not to have to worry about DW getting sick or anything.

That said, as much as we loved it, I have to admit it was far too overpriced. As great as the food tasted, it had breakfast set up as ala carte so by the time you got your main thing and several sides, it was too expensive. And that's coming from a girl who luuuuuuurves me some breakfast. I'd rather eat that than go out to dinner and I still thought they should work on it a bit. That said, if you're GF and want somewhere yummy to go...it's a great place with a cool little vibe! Just keep in mind, you're not just paying for the food...you're paying for location. Meh, that's Dallas fo' ya.

Our weekend also so happened to coincide with the Gluten Free Expo and so we, of course, had to go take a look at all the vendors. Most of them I knew, a few I didn't. I did a bad job of taking pictures of the weekend overall but there was one pic that screamed to be taken. Obviously at an expo you get to see a showcase of products, pick up coupons and information, and also there are quite a few samples everywhere. My Mom casually joked to my Dad on the way in, "Make sure you get your money's worth, Honey." Little did she know how seriously he would take that.

As my Mom, DW, and I casually strolled around, taking things in, asking questions, and sampling items...my Dad went M.I.A. Oh yea, like seriously missing in action. We had sightings every now and then but for the most part, ol' Dale was on a mission. As the three of us lingered around the last couple of tables, my Dad finally showed back up and we all confirmed we were GF Expo-ed out. I'm not sure I've ever eaten so many sweets and carbs in my life.

My Dad proudly confirmed that he had, in fact, gotten his money's worth...and once we got home, we cracked up as we unloaded and unloaded and unloaded his goodie bag. Combined, my Mom, DW, and I probably didn't get this much stuff.

I swear he must have just run by all the tables with his arm stretched out and swept everything on display into his bag. He swears he was encouraged by the vendors to take as much as he wanted but the mischievous smile makes me wonder.

Between my Dad and DW...never a dull moment.

As a warning: even though we were at the Gluten Free Expo, we managed to get Gluten-ed. I was kinda ticked, not gonna lie. But as with any Gluten Free option, you have to be careful. Some of the foods were cooked in Gluten Free kitchens so the possibility of cross contamination was present.

Since we had spent most of the morning at the Expo and it's football season, guess where we spent the rest of our afternoon...yup, on the couch watching all the big games. Arkansas beat the Aggies (welcome to the SEC boys) and Auburn squeaked out a win. Whatever, I'll take it. But the rest of our day looked like this:

On Sunday we went to my parents church and then came home and cooked Birthday Lunch for my Dad. My brother brought the steaks and we were in charge of the sides. The meal was reeeee-diculously good! Steak, sweet potato fries, Parmesan & Olive Oil Asparagus, yellow squash, and a salad made for some happy, happy peeps. I had to take a run around the lake near my parents house that afternoon because I felt like all I'd done all weekend was stuff my face!

As always, the time flew by far too quickly and I didn't want to come back to reality yet. I keep trying to convince them to come visit sooner than later!

Happy Birthday weekend, Dad!!!

An Open Prayer...

2011-10-05T08:15:00.001-05:00

Thank you, God, for your goodness and your amazing, glorious plan. My heart is truly overwhelmed this morning with your guiding Hand. I literally want to tell everyone that will listen about the incredible experience I had this morning...how you took the plans of the adversary and you not only trumped them, you squashed them out when one of your Children came to know you. No one can truly experience YOU and walk away unchanged. Thank you for that, Lord! Thank you for the humbling and amazing opportunity to be a part of it. You alone know her heart and even if she walks away unchanged, I for one, am not unchanged.

Lord, I pray that you use this situation for Your good. Maybe you just needed me to see and to understand what true forgiveness looks like - and to know how incredibly freeing it is for the giver. I'm not living under a cloud of bitterness and anger...and responding as you expect us to allows the other to experience You through us. Thank you for showing me this. No harm can ever come in offering radical forgiveness, I now know.

Thank you for rescuing your Child from eternal death and separation from you. Lord, I pray for a deep, new peace inside of her! Unexplainable peace that she can't help but recognize as new - and see that it showed up when You did! Protect her from attacks of the enemy and give her time to know you more and to experience you. Shelter her, Father, until she grows in maturity and wisdom and can better handle the attacks. Please grow her and deepen her roots.

You say in Matthew 6:33, But seek first the kingdom and Your righteousness, and all else will be added unto you. She has sought your Kingdom and now I ask that you add your qualities "unto" her: grace, peace, joy, hope, goodness, self-control, forgiveness of others as You have forgiven her, and a desire to know You and Your Word more.

I pray you'll break away the bondage of the past and show her what freedom, true freedom looks like. God, give her just a tiny glimpse of Your glory and I know she'll never be able to go back to who she was "before", whoever that may have been. Her old self was "forgotten" by you at the moment she asked for forgiveness through your Son...and her new self is bright and beautiful and clean. She is pure before you because she is a completely new creation. This is her Do Over, God. Thank you!!!

Please instill in her heart the knowledge that her no matter how bad her past was or former self was, it couldn't (and can't) keep her out of Heaven...and her "new self" can't do enough "good works" to get her into heaven. ANY "good" that comes out of her life now is only a reflection of who You are in her. It's an outpouring of SELF driven by (and only by) her love and desire to serve you, whatever that may look like. Help her to realize that any offering brought to you with an unwilling heart is equal to not bringing an offering at all. But even one minute of service to you with a willing, open heart is considered beautiful in Your eyes.

Help her (and me!) to crave your Word as one craves the richest and most satisfying foods (Psalm 63:5). Give her desire to talk to You and remind her that, though we all make mistakes (even after we are Yours), we are called to a higher standard because we are a representative of you...the Highest Standard. Lord, you have given us only one tongue and two rows of teeth so we can cage the source that has the power of giving Life (praise and encouragement) and Death (gossip and slander and painful words). Proverbs 18:21

Place in her (and our) heart a Spirit full of love and truth, an absence of self-righteous judgmental-ness toward others, in whatever "condition" they are. Lord, you aren't politically correct but You are loving and just. Help us all keep it at the forefront of our mind that justice and change in others is your job, not ours. We have enough of a "project" if we'll only look into our own hearts.

Jehovah God, I pray a prayer of healing and protection over your children today. Any whose eyes have fallen on these Words and believed in your goodness, I ask your blessing and healing - whether that's marriages, finances, physical bodies, emotional wounds, loneliness, anger and unforgiveness, singleness, infertility - whatever it may be, I ask that they undeniably feel Your Presence steal over them today and feel the comfort of your Hand. With the purest and truest heart I've ever experienced, I ask that you open the floodgates, God, and I beg you to topple the walls that the enemy has built around our hearts and minds and bodies.

Change us, Lord! For our good and for Your great glory...change us! You are a "shock and awe" God who can do more than we can fathom or imagine. Will you now do "shock and awe" things inside our hearts? I don't have to ever know, Lord, from a single person that you did and are doing it at this very moment...because I feel it! I know You are and I know You will! I pray this publicly, not for attention though it might seem so, but only because I want an open record of what I have asked so that when You answer, You alone will be glorified. Protect us from the plans of the enemy and shelter those of us praying for Your glory to be shown!

In Jesus' Holy name! Amen.

Is an Efficient Marriage...or Faith...Enough?

2011-10-04T07:33:00.015-05:00

Scenario #1:

I walk out of the house to climb into the car and go somewhere with DW (church, date maybe). After a minute, I say: Hey Bud? and he replies, "Yea?" and I ask: Do I look alright in this dress? or maybe "How's my makeup?" He responds by telling me I look great - and I appreciate it.

Scenario #2:

I walk up to the car after getting ready and climb in and I see DW get the look. Like, the look where a man is appreciating his woman look. Without being asked, he says to me, "You look really beautiful, Bud. And your eyes are boomin in that color." Instead of just feeling appreciative for the confirmation, I feel a greater joy because of it. I feel more noticed, more loved. This compliment wasn't given under "compulsion" because he was asked. It was something offered that was freely given. Something he wanted to say.

Although I accept both situations as good, the second scenario means a lot (LOT!) more to me. And I think most women would say the same...it means more when you don't have to ask for it. It's like getting flowers on your birthday or anniversary. It's nice (no doubt!) and I feel like I can safely speak for many when I say we always appreciate it. But in a woman's mind...that's efficient. Nowwwwww, getting flowers for no reason? And I mean NO reason? Now THAT............is romantic.

One scenario is about DW fulfilling his duty or obligation to me by answering my question. The other scenario is him showing me his heart...and it's a completely different kind of joy that I feel. I love that feeling of being adored...what woman wouldn't?

As I was thinking about the difference that these two kinds of offerings bring to me emotionally, I felt like it must be a small glimpse into how God must feel when we bring Him an offering of ourselves. Sometimes in my quiet time or prayer, I'm just doing good to show up. And I know He accepts what I have to offer and appreciates it. But it's mornings like this morning, when my heart is overflowing with desire for Him that I imagine He must feel a greater pleasure in me as His child. I'm here this morning because my heart is longing for Him. It's the difference between being dutiful and being in love.

I wanna be in love.

We are children, created in His image. Would it be so far off to imagine He craves our adoration the way we ourselves crave true adoration? The kind of adoration that comes from an overflow of our heart rather than just dutifully showing up? I somehow think so.

The funny part is...whenever I show up hungry, that's when I feel most powerfully changed or effected by what I'm studying. It's almost like a reward He gives for seeking Him wholeheartedly...although I know its more the product of an open heart and/or right attitude! Or maybe it is a reward?

Beth Moore knocked this morning's lesson in Living Beyond Yourself out of the park for me. I literally sat there reading with chills because it was like she and I were sitting at Cafe Bustelo having coffee and she was speaking directly to me on some areas where I desperately need to understand more about God and what true Faith looks like.

"Now without faith it is impossible to please God for the one who draws near to Him must believe He exists and rewards those who seek Him...Hebrews 11:6

Beth Moore explains:

"This scripture reveals that faith is an absolute necessity in the life that pleases God. If we are faithless, we are not fulfilling our calling to please Him. The moment the church was born, the Book of Acts referred to Christians as "believers". We were called believers long before we were called Christians. The term means "the faithful" and "those who believe God." If we refuse to keep believing God after salvation, He has no pleasure in us. Love for us? Yes. Pleasure in us? No.

Whoa. So I can believe God exists and have salvation...but it's possible, at the same time, that my life brings Him no pleasure? That thought literally makes my heart want to crack open. How sad.

I can't stop thinking about my relationship with God from the perspective of marriage. In my mind, it's like if DW and I had said our vows to get married - and meant them - but we quickly got lazy and became nothing more than a butler and a maid living in a house together slurping soup. Sure, we would be keeping our promise to each other...but we wouldn't be finding any fulfillment or joy in it!

On the other hand, we could make those same vows...use the exact same words...and have a fulfilling, fun life together. But it would take work. We would have to be conscious about continually pursuing one another, we'd have to remember to be creative and romantic so that our dating-type feelings don't completely disappear, we'd have to have a sense of humor about things that don't work out like we had thought/hoped, and maybe most of all, we would have to continually seek forgiveness when needed (in my case, often). By doing this, our marriage isn't just our duty, its our reward!

Faith is such a strange, strange thing. Well, so is marriage for that matter. But wow, is it life altering when done well! I still have a long way to go but today I feel challenged. Faith isn't my duty, it's my privilege. The same goes for my marriage.

Incidentally, for some reason, after rereading this post my heart felt a little bit burdened to add something else. I just had this feeling someone might have read my words about marriage - the difference between a good one and a mediocre one - and found themselves feeling defeated instead of uplifted or encouraged about living a life of Faith. Just like we can start showing up before God with an open mind and heart and He can radically change us over time, you can still start showing up in your marriage with an open heart and an open mind and He can also radically change your marriage.

It's not God's intention for you to be just a butler and a maid living under the same roof. He can restore what you think is too broken to be fixed...He is Jehovah Rapha, our Healer God!

Boring Without Me...

2011-10-03T21:53:00.007-05:00

A strange habit I have (that I can't believe I'm confessing) is that I'll sit around with a pair of hair scissors and cut off my split ends while watching TV. Every now and then, if I get bored while DW and I are driving in the car, I'll start looking for split ends and, being scissorless, I'll bite them off. Hey, some people chew their finger nails, I chew my hair. And out of those two surfaces, I would submit that my hair is cleaner.

DW makes fun of me for it. He asks me if I'm lacking protein - even though I obviously don't swallow the hair! As we are flying home from Dallas to Birmingham this weekend, the lady in front of us laid her head against her seat and her long, blond hair tumbled through the crack between the seats into our row - and practically spilled over onto DWs computer screen.

With his first two fingers, DW bumped me to look and made a scissor-motion next to her hair like he wanted to chop it off to get it out of his way. We laughed at what a shock that would be to the lady upon waking. A few seconds later, he caught me staring at her hair again and said, What are you looking at? and I replied that I was looking for split ends, trying to see if her hair was healthy. It wasn't but a second later when he pointed out a hair and said, "Is that a split one?" and I responded, "Yea, maybe?". At this point, I look over and DW is shaking with laughter before he says to me "Are you gonna gnaw the ends of her hair off, too?!"

Um, that's a negative, GhostRider. Gross. We couldn't stop laughing, though. Hey, we were bored.

I've done a horrible job lately of documenting the funny things he says and does. I know that some of it is just inside jokes that are only funny to us, but I want to remember this stuff and look back on it and laugh. We love going back over the books my Mom has printed and crack up at some of the things we would have already forgotten.

One thing he said recently that we literally got so tickled about was when we were laying in bed, about to go to sleep, but we were firing off last minute emails from our respective phones. All the sudden, DW drops his phone, looks over at me, lowers his voice to mock-sexy and says, "Bud, I reallly want to... (pause for emphasis) bluetooth with you."

We died laughing. How sad is it that we were both on our phones instead of spending quality time together?! But I loved the way he called me out on it. ;-)

Same flight as earlier and the cute, young girl next to DW was reading ESPN magazine. After a bit, DW turned to me, his face filled with semi-awe and says, "This girl is really reading that ESPN magazine, like cover to cover." The only way I can describe how he said it is like he had discovered that there really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Excuse me?! I reply, mock-offended (because DW is the furthest thing from a sexist) and I say, "I used to have a subscription to ESPN and read it from cover to cover! Some girls actually like that stuff." He laughed and got quiet for a second before he said, "I didn't know that about you." Uh-huh, I say, feeling kinda proud of myself for two seconds until he continues with a mocking laugh, Well, now you just read US Weekly cover to cover. Oops. This miiiight be true.

It wasn't long before we were laughing about something else during our flight and I truly appreciate that he brings so much playfulness and laughter to my life. At one point today, I said, "Ok, I've had enough picking for the day. You're making me crazy!" and he immediately got this serious face and said, "Come on...admit it. Your life would be boring without me." And it would. It was.

When The Rubber Meets The Road...

2011-10-02T13:33:00.001-05:00

As I was standing in my parents church this morning, my mind went to a man who I used to respect immensely in his faith. He was so knowledgeable, so interesting. I heard him speak when I was a student at Texas Tech and he so eloquently spoke on the nature and character of God that I felt my need to know God more grow - right then and there. And, in that same lecture, when a skeptic asked him some hard truth questions (in not a very nice way) he handled it with such grace that I decided I wanted to know more and be more like this great Christian man.

But fast forward several years...and the Mighty (in my mind) have fallen. This great Christian man, who was walking the Path, took a side street and it ended in a couple broken marriages and losing his job with the church. That got me to thinking...about how many kids I grew up with who have "outgrown" their faith or, by all appearances, abandoned it completely. And I thought of adults I respected who, somewhere along the road, lost their way. These strong teachers of mine aren't strong teachers anymore at all. That kinda rocks me a little bit.

One of my greatest fears is that I'll lose Faith in what I've learned and believed throughout my life. Sometimes with more fervor. Sometimes only out of "duty". At one point, not at all. But eventually, I found my way on my own and my "parent's faith" became my faith. I don't continue to believe because those around me do or because I feel pressured to or because it's quote unquote "right".

I continue to believe because there was a time when God radically changed my heart toward Him and now I don't want to lose my "roots", I don't want to journey off the Path. I don't want to be a casualty of war. Because, make no mistake, we are at war. Every heartache, every stress, every disappointment, every situation where it appears that God hasn't - or isn't - showing up...is because satan wants tough circumstances, temptations, selfishness, disappointment, etc...to take root and grow to the point where it causes us to veer off Path.

While you may be "over it" when it comes to the recent Ali situation - I'm not. I'm still journeying through it daily. First, it was me asking God...why did you allow this to happen? Then it was thankfulness that while He allowed it to happen, He gave me the strength to get through it. Then it was amazement because He gave me strength to respond in a way that was so contrary to my "natural" reaction. Ultimately, it was thankfulness and praise because (1) God either took what satan intended for bad (to steal, kill, destroy) and gave me peace and even grew my faith or (2) He allowed this "bad" to happen to me because He knew it would stretch me and still I would end up with this peace I have about it and my faith would not just falter, it would actually deepen.

Either way, because He loves me, the end was good. He wins. I like that.

But what's scary is to think that - whether it all turns out good or not - hinges on whether I choose SELF or I choose OBEDIENCE. I'm not naturally super "obedient". The only thing that saves me is that I trust my Leader and, no matter what it looks like, I follow His lead. Oh God, I beg you to always give me the strength to follow your Lead. Afterall, He has the full picture...He is full disclosure. What I know, what I can see...is only part of the picture. So I go with what I know...and that's that He knows.

Call me crazy...but when I said that I had a feeling Ali came into our life and it wasn't by accident...that feeling didn't go away when I found out that none of it was true (the baby, who she was, etc...). Out of all of the people she could have chosen to email, she chose me. And it has everything and nothing to do with me. It has nothing to do with me because I know that God has a plan and I just happen to be in it...and it has everything to do with me because He chose me to be a part of it. My "next moves", have to reflect His "next moves"...or my faith is built on a lie.

I spent two weeks telling this person (regardless of who I thought she was) that I believed in a God who loved us, forgave our wrongs, and, ultimately, saves us. So when she turned out to be not who she said she was, I realized my response to her wasn't about her at all. It was about me. Was I who I said I was? Did I just say that I love a God who forgives and I want to be like Him...but then I responded with anger - maybe hate - and unforgiveness? Or was He who I said He was all along...with no regard to how she treated ME.

You see, I didn't have a choice BUT to forgive her. When everything warred inside me...pain, anger, shock, disappointment, embarrassment...I had a choice to either be the woman I had been telling her I was in Christ...or show her that all I really was is fake.

It wasn't about her. It was about the fact that I either love HIM and chose, in that situation, to act in a way that honors HIM...or everything I believe is all "for show" and I just say it because it all sounds good.

That's the thing that gets me...next time I could miss it. Next time something happens...whether bigger or smaller...I'm gonna have to chose again. Will I honor Him or will I act the way I want to act. I can't say I know which way - for sure - it's gonna go. I've been known to fail plenty. I wasn't kidding when I said on an earlier post that while my faith may be great, my ability to fail is also very great.

Ali and I have been talking some still. I'm still open to this relationship because I can't shake the feeling that while SHE may think she chose me by accident, I believe there are no TRUE accidents in life. So when she said to me again, Thank you for forgiving me, I found there was peace and joy in being able to respond by saying, "Of course...I was forgiven first. 1 John 4:19 "We love because He first loved us."

I've been answering her questions about God and have even had to acknowledge that Christianity is complicated...and, oh my gosh for sure, can sound soooooo weird. But I explained to her that it's not my job to make it real for her...or less weird. My job is only to answer the questions she asks as best as I know how and that God will do the job of "getting her there". I told her that I might tell her things that will sound strange and impossible and maybe even crazy. But if she can't "shake it"...the thoughts, the questions, the curiosity about God...that's Him. That's the way He works. It's obviously still us...but yet its Him working in and on and through us.

Skeptical?

Well, as a pastor of mine, Tommy Nelson, once said (-ish)...you can't see the wind either but you believe it's there. You hear the sounds of it. You see the effects of it. So it is with the Spirit of God.

When Ali and I talked last night and got off the phone, I text her and said that it was gonna be my prayer that she "just can't shake it". And by it, I meant the God-stuff we've been talking about. I'm praying she finds grace and forgiveness and peace in a way that can only be found in Him.

It's not my job to discern Ali's intentions then - or now. My job, as I understand it, is to be as true and real (as I know how) in my walk with Christ and let Him do the rest. In this situation, as I told her, I would do it all over again....even knowing what I know now. Because my hope is that God will get ahold of her heart...AND because I'm grateful that He showed me He's still in control. I love Him more today than yesterday.

He looked at my life and showed me what He can do (take a bad and make a good) - if I will just get out of the way, in a sense. Right after this all went down, my faith felt confusing, rocky. But I knew that if I could just hold on even if it was just with my fingertips...He would come and pick me up before I fell completely.

Could it be that He is calling "Ali" to Him and that I've had the great priviledge of being the person He chose to use? Oh, Lord, let it be so. I want to see you pull in a harvest! Not because there is any good in me but because there is infinite good IN YOU! Could it be that what satan intended to use to steal, kill, and destroy has been turned into something that has given Life? It makes me want to just cry out with awe.

Faith is not about everything turning out ok, faith is being ok no matter how things turn out...because you believe in something bigger. Lord, I'm longing to see your desires revealed in me...take my heart, take my life, as a living sacrifice...all my dream, all my plans, Lord, I place them in your hands.

When the rubber meets the road next time...how well will I represent You? Lord, show me how to do it well!

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. John 10:10

Meh.

2011-09-28T21:38:00.004-05:00

I don't know about you but whenever I happen to watch a reality show, I suddenly feel more normal. Like, shockingly normal. DW had the X factor on and there was this guy who sang Creep and did this weird dance and I swear I got the weirdo shiver. On the flip side, I wonder what it would be like to open my mouth and have a voice come out like Carrie Underwood or something. I have to think the first time someone like that sings they even shock themselves. Ha. Nicole Sherswing-who-ha (can't remember her name) from the Pussycat Dolls can wail and is stunningly beautiful - but she's kinda surprisingly 'hood. And I kinda like it.

I'm not normally a homesick person but I am right now. I can*not* wait to see my parents this weekend in Dallas. And we have people staying at our house with our dogs so if you know where it is and think it's a good time to rob it...it's not. So back off.

Also, how nerdy is it that I AM STOKED about the Gluten Free Expo? I can't fight it...as Bob and Greta would say, "My inner nerd is on the outside" right now. I have become GF obsessed because of how much better I feel now that we eat that way and, of course, how much better DW is. I knew he had to, but I never thought I personally could commit to it. Now that I have, I'll never go back.

If I had the money to start a Gluten Free cafe and grocery store, I'd be opening it 5 minutes ago. So if there is any CEO of a Gluten Free company out there reading, you need to hire me. I don't know what for but you do. (insert those black and white twirly things that send subliminal messages in cartoons)

I have puppy fever. I want one so bad I can't see straight. But I can't do more dog hair and spend more money on food...this is what I keep reminding myself. But apparently my baby fever has turned into puppy fever. Maybe I should get a girl dog and make her wear those pink ballet slippers. Seriously, that isn't bitter...I swear I laughed at myself when I wrote that.

I'm in a weird, restless mood. I had this heaviness on my chest all day and continually had to lift up my anxiety to God. I feel like I prayed all day long for His protection and for Him to give me strength as well as the eyes to see His will. I prayed all day for DW as well...I so hope God blesses him for what a blessing he is to me on a daily basis.

I keep feeling like something big is just around the corner and I confess I'm so stinking impatient for it. But then, I've been feeling like that for 5 years. I know that feeling is there for a reason...it's just that God's time clock isn't like mine and that's probably for the better. I just want someone to call me up and tell me what to do with my life sometimes. Anyone?

DW is watching The Ultimate Fighter reality show right now. Is it strange that when he watches that, I suddenly feel like punching something? He thinks it's hilarious...me not so much. 80's heavy metal music does the same thing to me, therefore, I seriously dislike it. Music can flip my mood quicker than just about anything.

Diana, when is our annual girl's weekend? I need it. In Greenville with my giiiiiiiirrrrllllll. HA! I want to eat until I'm sick and laugh until I cry.

Yup, that's about it.

A Wanderer...

2011-09-27T10:32:00.000-05:00

My mom likes to remind me what an independent child I was. In fact, one of the phrases that my parents still joke with me about to this day is "I do it by myself." I guess some personality traits you're just born with. Anyway, every once in a while my mom will refresh my memory on this time when I was 2 years old (almost 3) and we were in a store of some sort. I kept wandering off and so she would grab my hand, tell me that I needed to stay with her, and then...repeat. She got tired of asking me to stay with her so she thought, "I'm going to let her wander off and see how she feels when she realizes she is all alone." Carefully keeping an eye on me but staying out of sight, she let me walk around until my little heart was content.

Eventually, she said she could tell it dawned on me that I was alone and didn't know where my mom was and she was there waiting, ready to rescue me at any moment I became distressed. I looked around. Didn't see her. Looked some more...and began to walk. She watched me as I walked up to the front of the store and then only seconds later she heard, "Donna Metz, please come to the front desk. Donna Metz, please come to the front desk." At two years old, I had her paged when I got "lost". I wasn't afraid. I knew that when I called for her, she would come. She had taught me well and in my child-like faith in what I'd been taught, I believed that when I needed her, she would always be there.

My mom, of course, rushed forward to rescue me and explained to the store people the situation...she had wanted to see what I would do when I realized I was alone.

Sometimes I catch myself "going through the motions" and it's been one of those weeks. I've felt distracted when I pray and my desire to spend time in the Word has seriously been lacking "heart". Contrary to what it may seem in writing, I'm not having a "poor-pitiful-me" moment...it's an "honest" moment with where my head is right now. I just need to refocus.

When I did my DIY project for our Chalkboard Refrigerator, I didn't know it would become a source of daily encouragement for me. DW has been getting up before me in the mornings the last week or so and I've loved walking into the kitchen to get my morning hug in o' cup (Cafe Bustelo you rock my world) and seeing these two Bible verses in front of me. I read them and meditate on them...and by meditate, I don't just read the words in a cursory glance kind of way...I commit them to heart.

A reader sent me the Psalm 6:12 verse last week and as I've thought on it the last several days, I love it more and more. At first glance, it met my needs because it was a cry to God..."my heart is overwhelmed". I know that feeling. We all know that feeling. But what has come to mean more to me over the last several days of reading this verse is the part that says..."From the ends of the earth I cry to you for help..."

I have this image in my mind of a wanderer, someone who has journeyed so far that it seems impossible that anyone would know where he/she was. Trouble has hit and there is no one to rescue them.

From the ends of the earth I cry to you for help when my heart is overwhelmed..."

I can't think of a better way than this story to describe how I feel about God right now. He will let me do what I want because He created in me Free Will. I have the right to choose. He will even let me "wander off" or sometimes He knows I'll accidentally get off track. Sometimes I falsely believe I need to experience things for my life to be "full". He knows me...He created me...even if He doesn't think my choices are what is best for me.

As I think back on the lesson my mom was trying to teach me, I can't help but recognize there is something beautiful about that story. In the same way a parent rescues a child, my God is right there, waiting on my call for Him to rescue me. He isn't the god I pray to only when I need to ask him for an "A" on a test I didn't study for. He is my loving Father, and because I'm a child of His, I know He loves me and desires my good. He won't let me wander too far. He won't turn His back on me when I need Him to draw near...

No matter how derailed I feel, disappointed I feel, hurt I feel...all I have to do, even if I'm at the ends of the earth, is cry out. It may be long, slow, hard journey back depending on how far I've gone, but I have no doubt He will take my hand and lead me back to the "towering rock of safety".

DIY + Fun...

2011-09-25T11:53:00.004-05:00

Our weekend was filled with both work and play...DW and I's "hot date" on Friday night ended up being more like a productive night in. The cleaning mood struck and who are we to fight it? ;-) Sometimes it feels good to be boring, I've decided.

During our mad-cleaning spree, we decided that it was time to get our attic insulated with winter coming. Thanks to some good tree cover over our house and the fact that cool air drops not rises, our summer a/c bills haven't been too, too frightening. But we both have had some serious concerns about the fact that winter is coming, gas prices are high, and we had next to no insulation keeping our "bought air" inside. It was B-A-D. We had about 1 inch and the recommendation is at least 8-10 inches.

After doing some research online, we realized how easy it would be to do it ourselves. The only thing really required was our time and some manual labor, which neither of us are opposed to in the slightest. Especially when it comes to saving money so we can do other DIY projects. 1954 homes have a lot that can keep you busy. Trust me on this.

So on Saturday morning we headed over to Home Depot - who actually had a special where you could get an AtticCat (the insulation blower machine) for free if you purchased 10 bags of insulation. For our 2000ish square foot house and for the 8-10 inches of insulation we wanted to add, we needed 15 bags. DW attached the hose to the AtticCat and then walked it through the house and went up into the attic. He was the one who was going to operate the hose end.

By the way, I have since pulled the weeds in the above picture. Amazing what you don't "see" until you see it in a picture. My job was to use a box cutter and cut around the dotted line in the center of this block of insulation, break it in half, and then feed it into the machine.

Since we were working with chopped up chunks of fiberglass, we wore masks and long sleeve shirts and jeans. I wouldn't recommend doing this project in summer but yesterday was a fairly comfortable fall day. It was hot but not so-hot-I-wanted-to-die hot. Let's talk about how attractive this picture is. Oh wait, yea...it's not.

Moving along...so basically, I had to cut the insulation in 1/2 & feed it into the machine. At first, I tried to put several halves in at once, thinking that OBVIOUSLY if it were full it would spit out stuff better. WRONG. It took me a while to figure out that less was more in this case. I put 1 half in, let the machine grind it to bits and then when it was almost out, fed in another 1/2. It went twice as fast once I quit trying to make it go twice as fast!!!

It took about 2.5 to 3 hours to do the whole thing. My part was fairly simple so I also pulled weeds in the front yard between loading the insulation. Tried to make good use of my time. Here's the problem with multi-tasking, though: if your husband accidentally drops the hose and he yells, "Stop!!!!!" and you hear the word "Start!!!!" and turn the hose ON instead of OFF...well, it's like Christmas in Sept. Inside.

Oh yea. Good times. We laughed really hard that we got five minutes from being done with the whole job and then managed to make a HUGE mess for ourselves. I also laughed when DW said, "Well, that's the great thing about having our blog. Even the bad stuff makes for a good story." Word.

Finally, we were finished...and it's incredible how different our house already feels. Less humid, cooler. Our a/c is even staying off now more than on...which our bank account will appreciate. And speaking of appreciative bank accounts, we are also decking our attic today...and the total bill for the insulation plus the wood for decking the attic was less than $500. We bought several sheets of tongue and groove plywood and had the guy at Home Depot cut them into 2 foot by 4 foot sheets to fit through the opening to our attic. It's a free service they offer and cut out a ton of labor for DW.

By the way, every quote we got (I got 3) was around $2000 - $2500 to do the whole thing (insulate & deck). So yea, this DIY was well worth it and truly easy!

After we finished with our project, we quickly showered and headed to DW's hometown to watch the Auburn game at a friend's house. Auburn won, which was nice, but after the game was the most fun. We just got to hang with Chris and Shanna and really play with the kids. I needed to laugh as hard as I did!

The kids were a Mermaid and an Aubie Tiger to start with...

Liz even gave me some pearls so I could be all dressed up... (Inside joke: Pull your wig down, Forehead.)

DW was showing the Tiger how to roar!

Eventually, the mermaid left and in her place, an Auburn cheerleader showed up...so we had to do some stunts! And I personally almost had several heart attacks...

And finally, they settled in for a ride on the bull...they had to hang on tight! I laughed so hard at their faces when Chris would run on all fours, bouncing them around. They were so terrified but somehow being terrified translated into so. much. fun.

Love these two!

Anyway, it was just what the doctor ordered. Thanks, Chris and Shan, for being such great friends! We are very blessed to have you in our lives.

Now...time to deck the attic so I better run. I hear DW hard at work, carrying the wood through the house and here I am slacking! ;-)

Tumble...

2011-09-23T08:15:00.003-05:00

I have this mental image of a little girl on the playground that is running along and suddenly falls down in the gravel. It was such a bad fall that the people standing nearby gasped and cringed as she took her tumble. Admittedly, it was pretty painful but it's time to make a quick choice...she can either sit there and cry about what happened or she can get up, dust off her knees, and keep going. I'm dusting off my knees.

We forgave her without condition. Now we are working on the forgetting part. All needs to be said about this situation has been said about it and I don't have anything else to say. I'm sure everyone else is over it anyway.

I'm looking forward to the normalcy of the weekend ahead...I'm finishing my chair recovering DIY project, got a hot date with my husband tonight, and then heading to DW's hometown tomorrow to watch the Auburn game with some of our closest friends, the Robbins family. To me the best kind of friendships are the ones where you don't alway have to bring your A-game. I know they'll just accept me as is and I always feel "home" when I'm with them.

One foot in front of the other...not even taking one more look back.