Cold Sweat...

Today is a day for rejoicing because it's the start of another year together with DW.  Happy Anniversary, Bud.  I would meet you on the Courthouse steps all over again any day of the week. :-) 

I just realized how long its been since I last posted but if this blog is anything, it's proof of life as we know it. Its a busy time for both of us right now...DW for his industry and, of course, in the training industry.  People are still feeling bad about the thousands and thousands of extra calories they ate over the holidays.  Ha! 

Honestly, though, I'm appreciative.  It's been a while since I've had a full training clientele and, even though I'm still in the rebuilding process since our move to Birmingham, I'm starting to feel like I actually belong somewhere again. 

As for new things in our life, DW and I have started the process of walking forward with foster care preparation classes. Yikes.  Warning: before you get excited or feel any emotion whatsoever for us, keep reading because I'm totally unsure as to how I feel about it. 

Last night was our first class and, unfortunately, DW was out of town for work.  And I say unfortunately because it would have been nice to have him there when the crap hit the emotional fan.  There I was, sitting in class with my 2 inch thick binder full of information, pen in hand, taking notes.  LOTS of notes.  "This is just information-gathering," I tell myself. "You aren't committing to anything yet."  But tell that to my heart which apparently has a mind of it's own with regard to commitment of any sort.  

Cue palpitations.  Sweating.  Pressure in my chest.  The lady was talking but it wasn't long before I started hearing "Wah-wah-wah-wawawawa" instead of words.  Charlie Brown's teacher was standing at the front of the classroom.  

I'd love to tell you I sat there and thought, "This is SOOOO what I want to do." but I would be lying.  Instead, I sat there praying, "God, if this is where I'm supposed to be...help me to know because I am FUH-reaking out right now."    

I text DW..."I feel sick..." 

And he responded, "You're good."  He knew where I was so he didn't even have to ask what I meant by "sick", I guess. 

I couldn't decide whether I wanted to punch him or hug him for that reply.  Punch was my first thought because he's always so. dang. calm. and rational.  But then I immediately wanted to hug him because he's always so.dang.calm. and rational.  I mostly love this about him but sometimes...well, anyway.  You know I mean. 

So back to the sound of my heart beating so loudly it felt like rushing wind in my ears... 

So, um, yeah. Next up, I hear, "Let's go around the room and tell who you are and why you're here."  And, of course, I'm on the side of the room where I'll pretty much be close to last. I get to listen to each couple represented tell who they were and then most of them proceeded to tell how they were sure this was for them because of X reason. 

I'm not joking when I say I shut my information binder and stacked up my stuff to leave. 

But then I decided to act like a grown up and told myself, "You will keep your lily white hiney in this chair."   It's my turn.  I feel my cheeks catch on fire as I say...  

"Hi, I'm Amy Walker and my husband couldn't be here tonight.  Unlike many of you here, we/I are actually just pursuing more information right now.  We are taking some baby steps forward and just asking God to open and close doors as He sees fit.  This is just a "first step" in that process for us."   

There is nodding and I breathe again when they move past me. 

I made it through the class...but the second my butt hit my car seat, I fear-cried the whole way home.  This is a big, huge, overwhelming responsibility we are considering.  This is taking on children who are in the system because they've been abused and/or neglected or they were born addicted to drugs, or they've been sexually molested.  This isn't something I know how to take lightly.  IF we do this, it will only be because God has given us a clear call to do so. 

I HATE that it's so easy for me to find so many reasons to be selfish and/or afraid.

This will be too emotionally hard. 

What if I get a call in the middle of the night to accept a child and I have a 5 a.m. appointment the next morning and DW is out of town for work?

What if I fall in love with a child and then they are taken away?

And my greatest fear: What if I can't fall in love with a particular child?

I'm not a great and unselfish person.  I'm just not.  And I'm sure I could find plenty of people who would agree with that.  I've shared my faults on this blog as much as I can along with the good in my life because I feel like everyone struggles and it would be just plain dumb to pretend otherwise.  Love me or hate me...what you see is what you get.

And I say that to lead up to saying this small slice of horribleness: I'm not someone who loves every child.  I have met children I love so much I want to take them home and make them my own and I have met children that make me want to chew birth control like candy.  (Well, pretending I even needed birth control for the sake of taking creative liberties.)  I would love to tell you I have the character to realize a child is a child and they all have different strengths and different "needs" rather than weaknesses.  And I do in my head...but translating that to the way I live is a different story.  But that is all part of my process, my journey...and I absolutely know that God will enable me to love all children if this is what He is leading us to do. 

There are so many more questions for me than answers right now and I just need time to process.  I not looking for suggestions or advice, honestly, although I recognize that by publicly sharing our journey that may be part of it.  So I guess it's good that the class is 9 weeks long.

And in the meantime, I'd say a lot of praying for strength and for answers are in my future.