One of the fears I have, if I ever get pregnant, is that I will forget the way I feel right now. One might think it would be absolutely ideal to block out any remembrance of the pain and heartache that is infertility, but I recognize it’s become a part of me forever. I don’t wish to always be infertile, but I do wish to carry this journey of infertility with me so that I don’t forget what it feels like to walk this Road.
I don’t want to become a frazzled mother of…let’s say 3…and meet a young, married woman struggling with infertility and NOT remember. I often tell myself, Don’t you dare one day offer clichés like “well, when you just relax and let it happen…” or tell stories about how “I knew this friend of a friend who started the adoption process and one month later..." Don’t you dare do X and don’t you dare offer advice of Y...you have been on the other end of those. You just SHUT YOUR MOUTH and listen as one who has been there. Do NOT undermine their journey should be tattooed on my body somewhere, I’m convinced.
As I was dreaming of what “might be” one day for me, I imagined a scenario where “Today” Me (as in not-pregnant, happily married w/normal issues, 33 year old Me) walks into a coffee shop and sits down across the table from a “Future” Me version of myself. (Yes, I’m a little weird obviously.) As one would expect, when I stare across the table, I look into eyes that are familiar to me and I smile before I say to my identical twin, “Well, congratulations…”
“Thanks!” she says back, tears sparkling in her eyes. “I just can’t believe it.”
Me either, I say. I really didn’t ever think this day would come for you.
We sit together in silence a moment, remembering the road “we’ve” travelled together, filled with ups and downs, heartaches and lessons, but most importantly, a journey that stretched and grew Me emotionally and spiritually like no other journey could have. “Today” Me and “Future” Me both know we will move on from (one day) - but it’s important to never, ever forget.
She starts first: Well, I guess it’s a new Chapter, huh? and I nod. Are you feeling sick yet? I ask and she shakes her head “No, not yet.”
When are you going to tell people? and she shrugs and bites her lip. “I’m excited but kind of scared to.” and I nod because I totally understand. I’ve thought of it a million times before myself. IF the day ever came when I got pregnant, I’ve wondered how I could possibly tell those who have been on this journey with me that my life is different now. In no way better, but I’ve now received the blessing that we have all dreamed of, emailed about, talked about, prayed for...some of us for years. Those of us on the infertility journey who have walked together, hand in hand, know what I mean. But it doesn’t change the Truth. The fact that when one of us gets pregnant, the ones still dreaming of “their day” teeter totter between excitement and hope and joy for the other…and absolute heartache for ourselves. The Left Behinds.
“Well”, Today Me says to Future Me, “Just don’t forget how it feels. Don’t forget what this road has been like.”
After more conversation, its decided that we should write it down because we know…we’ve seen it happen over and over. We’ve seen those on "Our side" cross over to the “Other” side and it’s as if the years of dreaming and hoping and wanting and tears are suddenly forgotten. But I won’t forget.
I’ll start. I say and I write “To Pregnant Me…” and put a number 1 on the sheet of paper in front of "us".
1. Tell your fellow Sojourners first. Don’t hit them with the blow of finding out with the masses. Bring them in on your Joy before the rest of the world so they aren’t blind-sided. They have walked this road with you and you owe them that. Give them their “moment alone” to process so that it doesn’t create more damage in their already hurting hearts.
2. When you start to feel the symptoms of pregnancy, remember that each time you pray to the porcelain gods, it is because Life (amazing, beautiful Life) is growing inside you. You wanted a baby more than anything. Now, deal with it and thank God for every stinking miserable moment. :-) Remember how many times you wanted to tell people to “shut up” because you would give your left eye to know that particular misery. Nausea will go away. Energy will come back. Millions of women before you have done it and millions after you will as well. Just be thankful even though everything inside you tells you to complain.
3. Don’t let your Joy at being a Mom let you become callous or immediately forgetful. Be mindful of the fact that motherhood is a gift of which all might not partake. Remember that just because your mind is suddenly consumed with baby thoughts and dreams and nursery décor doesn’t mean it should be the only thing you talk about. Remember what you loved before and who walked this journey with you.
4. When you do forget, be quick to say you’re sorry. Yes, you should be present and enjoy this new part of your Journey but please, please don’t forget how testy and emotional and hurt you felt as a Have Not. Be filled with Grace and Remember.
5. When your body doesn’t look the same anymore and everything is stretched out and doesn’t look the same, don’t trivialize the fact that you were given a unique and mind-blowing gift to take part in His Creation. Remember it is a unique opportunity to experience Your Heavenly Father in a way that not all will be given for one reason or another.
Can you think of anything else? I ask but we both agree that those things pretty much sum it up for now. We can always add to the list later when "Today Me" meets with "Frazzled Mom Me".
But that’s a whole different Coffee Shop conversation…
36 comments:
Amy, I always love reading your blog! This one brought tears to my eyes. I know I'm not walking the "infertility road" but I'm walking the "husbandless and therefore childless road". I'm grateful for your willingness to be available to Him during this journey and for sharing it with us.
First off, Merry Christmas!! I totally get you...I Just love your weird, quirky humor. :) Praying for the present and future Amy!!
You won't forget...I promise, you won't forget~
Thank you to both future and present Amy! I am trying to think what future Laura and present Laura would add to the conversation, but I think you've almost summed it all up. One thing that maybe you could add is something a nurse at our infertility clinic told me: that in some ways, even if we don't feel it is a blessing now, that we can be thankful for the strength going through a struggle like this gives to our current relationships. Think of all the lessons we are learning now about how to deal with stress and disappointment, be patient, knowing how to comfort and rely on each other through hard times, etc, etc. It can only help us as we move through life, and we will always have this time to look back on and appreciate as a time we truly grew as couples.
you kind of always amaze me at how self-aware and able you are to step back and look at yourself and your life objectively.
I'm proud to call you my friend.
:)
I love this post. I don't want to forget either, which is why I started my blog in the first place, and often force myself to write the hard posts about things that I'd rather forget but know have so much importance in the journey to my children.
One more thing I would add, that may go without saying, is to remember what a blessing your children are and how hard you worked and prayed for them... Especially on the days when they do things that make you want to pull your hair out! Because let's face it, even though we spend our days praying for our children, they aren't going to come out perfect! ;)
I too wanted to say, "You will never forget....promise!" "Never ever."
When you think your husband is completely incapable of changing a diaper or feeding a toddler, remember how capable he was to hold your hand through a loss and how he carried you for the next few years. Remember how he stayed hopeful years into this process when you thought it was over.
Don't forget there were baby showers you couldn't attend in the darkest days of your process, and there may be people who cannot celebrate with you. (Some because they are in the same place. Some because they don't understand why you couldn't celebrate with them.)
Don't forget how you used to whisper to God in the middle of the night...and whisper for someone else.
God has given you such a gift for words Amy! You are such an encouragement to me.
I do feel like I have an infertility tatoo that will never leave it is a scar on my body just like my stretch marks that remind where God has taken me thus far in beautiful life He has given me.
Merry Christmas, I love your blog.
I never experienced primary infertility, but secondary through miscarriages. I promise you that you will never forget. You will never take for granted the gifts that you're given and have empathy for those around that are struggling. Your prayer list will expand.
I can't promise that some days you won't feel a little gross about changes (body, etc) but it's a quick break that reminds us even more of the blessings in our lives. And you know what, your love for your child(ren) will expand as they grow. I never thought that I could love my children more than the minute they were safely born (meaning that they stayed put long enough for delivery), but as they grow I love them more and more and am constantly reminded of my blessings.
You will cry even more than you do know, but your tears will be different tears.
Oh Amy, I'm praying that 2012 is an amazing year for you.
Amazing post! I promise you won't forget but it does seem distant after a while. You just lose that "just punched in the stomach" feeling.
But, I promise you will *never* be insensitive or suggest that your problems are worse than someone else's. The memories are never that far away. My heart literally aches when I see someone who was in the same boat as I was, and I can't see that every going away.
I'm so glad you have all this written down. I'm currently pregnant after several years of infertility and despite lots of complications, gestational diabetes, etc, I'm just so happy to be here and I never ever want to forget what the "before" felt like. I'm so happy to have so much written down for those years so that I can always remember.
I've never commented before, but I have been reading your blog for a little while....tonight I felt like I must leave a comment :)
My husband and I have been trying for a year now and I often think about how this last year has changed me and I too, hope to never forget. While I wouldn't wish this on anyone (including my future self) a part of me is grateful for the lessons that I have learned. I think I am more sensitive to the plights of others (especially those things that I might not necessarily know all the details about) and it gives me comfort to know that I don't think I'll ever be able to forget where I came from.
I am so careful to inquire how others are really doing because it hurts me when others don't do the same for me. I have learned the true value of friendship and somehow grown even closer to my husband. These things I could never forget no matter what blessings come my way in the future.
My son is 6 months old. For my entire pregnancy, we were on pins and needles wondering if he would be born alive. We were blessed. It's been a year since my heart surgeries while that delicate life endured them with me. While it is nothing compared to what you have gone through, nor the length of time, I have yet for that memory to even begin to fade.
I don't think you will ever forget. However, to add to your list: when that baby cries, remind yourself that it is a blessing and a miracle that you get to hear that sweet child scream. Allow yourself to be thankful for the cries, and the stress of soothing him/her will melt away. Remembering what a miracle it is to be a mother will make the stressful parts of motherhood something glorious to thank God for.
I love how you always rise above the cliches when you write - about fitness, religion, marriage and especially this. Wonderful post.
I love your heart on this. I echo every word.
Love this. So well put. And love reading your blog and following your journey! Merry Christmas!!
As we are currently on our very long journey to bring our second into the world, I had this very conversation with myself yesterday. (After IUI#2 - getting ready to start the long process of waiting 2 whole weeks to see if it worked) My husband and I talked and I told him, I won't complain about my symptoms either now or if/when I get pregnant. I won't complain because there are SO many women dying to be in my shoes. I have hope because of Christ, but I will NOT forget what this feeling is when and if God chooses to bless me again! God bless you girl!
They're right. You won't ever forget! I had a miscarriage 6 years ago and I can still feel the pain. I can definitely feel God's healing hand, but I will never forget. Every time I hear of a friend who had a miscarriage, my heart breaks for her. You will not forget!
Praying for you!
You have SUCH a way with words. My sister has said so many of these same things to me, and now that she has her twins (miracles) I know she struggles with this so much. I had to link to this post on my own post this morning because I was so hit by your words.
I hope you guys have a very very very Merry Christmas!
After years of unexplained infertility, we just welcomed twins into our home through the miracle of adoption. While having them in our lives has been a joy beyond words, but I miss my daily, hourly, moment by moment desperation for Him. Now, don't get me wrong...I know that I still need Him just as desperately even if it doesn't "feel" like it as much but it's just different. For years, I just wanted to be a mom but that void was filled with the fact that He is more than enough. Now that we have two children, desperation is still there (it's a circus at our house, in a good way), I miss how I felt like I needed Him just to be able to breathe, to smile for another friend who was pregnant, to make it through a baby shower, to make it through Mother's Day, etc. I miss that second by second intimate dependence. Again, I know that I should be partaking in that baby or no baby but it was just different then. It may sound nuts but I don't want to forget that desperation. There is nothing like knowing that He is all you need. Even in the midst of loss, tears, confusion, and void.
Amy,
I wonder if when you (and other women with infertility) become a mom, you'll be a better mom than me.
Here's why I truly wonder this:
I don't have infertility. My son was a complete surprise from my honeymoon. Not planned, not really "wanted". Sure, children were in our future, but not right after we got married. Obviously, we love him like crazy, but we never waited for a baby.
Therefore, I feel like I take my fertility for granted. I try not to after reading your blog and others like yours. However, never knowing infertility, I can't possibly feel what you and others feel.
I know you don't wish infertility on anyone, but I think if I experienced even a fraction of what you've gone through, I'd be a better mother. I'd love my child more deeply (which I'm not sure is possible), I'd be more tolerant of his tantrums and enjoy the ride of being his mom a lot more than I do.
I agree with Christi, I pray that 2012 is your most amazing year yet!
WOW! This really hits home. Thanks for sharing because it's what I have felt and thought so much.
I totally agree with Meg. You definitely, won't forget. Merry Christmas to you and your family!
I love your blog and your heart sweet friend :-)
Beautiful post! I can say that you won't be able to forget. It took us 2 IVF's to get pregnant and every single day I thank the Lord for our son. Even thought my pregnancy was awful (yes it was awful) I never for a moment took it for granted. And when my baby didn't sleep for what felt like MONTHS, I still didn't forget. The pain of infertility is still there. It won't ever go away. And the scars of infertility will never go away. But they heal. And that's ok. It is ok to let them heal. It doesn't mean you forget though and can't/won't be sensitive to those still on their journey. No matter how short or long their journey is, I never undermine it. Again, great post. And I love your heart on this subject.
Amy,
I needed to read this today. We experienced a miscarriage last week after getting pregnant 4 months into trying. I hope I never forget the heartache we are feeling right now. I never want to be "that" person that makes those hurtful comments (which I'm sure I've been guilty of in the past) or takes my pregnancy/children for granted. I'm so grateful for the closeness my husband and I have experienced, and I'm humbled by the pain of losing a baby. Thanks for your honest words.
I'm not struggling with infertility, but I'm struggling with being 33 and single. I can relate to this more than you know. Thanks for posting.
Amy, I have been reading for some time and I just have to say that my mom and I just lifted you up in prayer. I struggled with infertility and like you, I prayed that however God would allow me to become a mom, I would accept it. God has taken our family on an incredible journey through the birth of our triplets and my husband being diagnosed with cancer in the last 6 months. He is now cancer free. I just wanted to tell you that you have been in my prayers and that God is has an annointing on your life my dear. You are truly a Godly woman and I know that He has some pretty amazing things for you two.
I'm a friend of a friend but I did want to express my gratitude for this post. It's amazing how complete strangers can share similar feelings. I will add you and DW to prayers. May 2012 be better than your wildest dreams.
Merry Christmas Amy:) I love this post! What a cool way to really "remember" how it is on this journey. When anyone has been on this type of rollercoaster for years and years, it is totally a part of them, and something we never want to discount or forget.
I can sooooo relate to this post! I could never put into words as well as you did. Please let 2012 be your year! Happy Holidays!
I love this post. You very eloquently and accurately wrote down things that I frequently think every time someone who hasn't been there tells me to "relax".
I love reading your blog and this one definitely brought tears to my eyes. God has a plan even if we don't understand it and I love that you know and recognize that. When he does bless you with a beautiful baby, you definitely won't forget the struggles you encountered to get there. <3
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OMG! I SO wish I had your words! Everything you write is exactly what I've thought and made mention to my "fellow sojourners." I hope for things to think to write as I've begun my blogging journey, after 19 months of TTC.
Abundant THANKS for you inspirations!
I don't remember how I found your blog, but I read it often. I also struggled with infertility, but I now have a 7 month old gorgeous baby boy. I felt the same way when I was pregnant, that you describe here. I thanked God for every moment of sickness, and all the negative that went with the miracle of a baby growing inside me.
You won't forget one moment of it. With your positive outlook, and the infertility you've faced, when it happens for you, you won't forget, and you'll enjoy each moment.
You're on my list of "TTC" friends, and I pray for you often as well. Happy New Year!
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