In the Race...

I had a friend in high school who didn't really have "rules" and never got in trouble even for things that my parents would have skinned me alive for.  At the time, I remember being a little envious of all that "freedom".  What I realized later in life is that all that freedom really wasn't because this particular person's parent loved them more...it was because disciplining them took too much effort.  My friend later confessed to me that he was jealous that my parents cared enough to give me rules and to hold me to a certain standard.  That thought had never occurred to me.

I was reminded of that this morning when I was reading Hebrews 12:7 where it says: Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 

Truth: up until this year, I have never completed one single Bible self-study book in its entirety.  I've been in group Bible studies before and with plenty of accountability, I was known to do fine and I completed (most of) those.  But leave me responsible for my own spiritual growth and I struggled with consistent time and study.  To be even more truthful, I've spent most of my life feeling like spending time in the Word was just something to check off my daily "to do" list.    

___ Do Laundry

___ Pick Up Dry Cleaning

___ Spend Time with God

___ Take Samson to the vet

___ Lats/Legs/Run

___ Grocery Store

Check, check, CHECK, check, check...I tick off the responsibilites of my day and somewhere, squeezed in between the dry cleaning and the grocery run was my time with God.  And then one day it occured to me, what if I knew that my own name was on someone's "TO DO" list, buried in the other monotonous inconveniences of regular ol' life?  What if a relationship with me was just another daily responsibility that this "other" person found no joy in - only an ingrained sense of responsibility and duty?  

IF I knew that, would I find that relationship satisfying?  Would I find any pleasure in it? 

Keep in mind I'm speaking only to my spiritual journey and not judging anyone else if this is what their life and/or Walk looks like.  Honestly, sometimes friendships and even romance IS a discipline and it does have it's place.  There are times it takes just "showing up" before the feelings follow, no doubt.

But when I felt personally convicted of it, I had no choice but to look at my relationship with God a little differently.  He and I know that if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't be satisfied.  So it would make sense that He might point out to me that He wasn't finding my particular offering very satisfying, either.  The thing that kept coming to my mind was that He wanted my heartfelt offering...just showing up to "check" it off wasn't enough for Him from me.  He and I both knew it lacked heart. 

And so enter what I'm learning now...about how to present a heartfelt offering of my time and, mostly, a heartfelt offering of my affection.  I wanna want to know Him...every little last detail He will reveal to me about Himself.

David Platt, our pastor, recently presented a powerful message about how there are really only 3 kinds of people in regards to Faith...and hopefully I accurately explain what he said well and accurately because it applies here.  If not, my fault...not his.

1. there are those who outright reject it. I think it's pretty clear what this means so no need to expound here.

2. there are those who are content to observe Jesus.  Meaning they know who He is and what He has supposedly done and they see others become radically different because they love Jesus.  But I imagine this person an "armchair quarterback"...someone who is content to sit back and watch, who associates themself with the "team", and has plenty of suggestions on how things should be done but never really gets in the game.

3. and then there are those who unconditionally follow Jesus. As in, You are the Lord and my King and I will abandon all that I have and all that I am to follow you.

Used to, I would have said that #3 (unconditionally following Jesus) was hands down the scariest possibility since I knew I wasn't a #1 (rejecter). If I gave Jesus my life unconditionally, my fear was I would end up in a village in Africa somewhere. Or worse. What if I had to give all of my savings away and live in a cardboard box for Jesus.  Don't lie, you know you've thought something like that.  ;-) I kid.

But in the last couple years my heart has changed because without a single doubt...#2 has become the scariest possibility of all to me.

It literally makes my heart skip a beat in my chest to think I could only be an armchair quarterback or a sideliner...someone who mistakenly feels like I'm part of the team or a part of the race when all I really am is a casual observer. I don't want to be someone who watches others grow and stretch in their faith and passionately follows what God is doing in them - but somehow misses the fact that He wants to do something amazing in me, too, if only I'll let Him.

No ma'am...I tell myself.  That will not be me. Come what may, I will run this race...

This time of not getting what I want...I know it has been partly to discipline me and partly to show me how valued I am as His daughter...He wants me to love Him and need Him more...and I do! I've said it before, I am a better person for not getting everything I want right when I want it! 

This race I'm talking about...I don't just want to drag my dimply little butt across the finish line...I want to finish strong because I was prepared and because I knew what the race entailed.  Because I had trained for it physically and mentally and emotionally.  I don't want to stroll through the tape.  I want to sprint on through...

Oh Lord, more than anything I want to hear you say, "Well done, my Child..."