A Glimpse of What the Future Holds...

Over the last six years, I've opened up my life in a lot of ways on this blog...especially with regard to infertility.  So I feel like it would be a gross injustice to only talk about the heartache of my struggle and the "downs" but not share the moments where I feel happiness and joy and I recognize God's beautiful work in my life.  I'd probably consider this a ladies-only post though so fellas (if any) that read, that X at the top right is for you. 

I've mentioned before that I've never received a NO on pregnancy from God...but I've also never received a YES seeing as I have no children. I've hoped for pregnancy but have never been sure that's my "road" for this journey...but I also haven't yet felt this overwhelming "Call" that it was time to adopt.  The thing that I've heard a million times has been a NOT NOW.  I've been in limbo for a long, long time.  

I probably couldn't count the number of times that I've asked God to "just tell me NO" if pregnancy was out and, although there have been several times where I was sure my ovaries were just gonna shut down on me in answer to that prayer, it's never happened.  I've also asked for clarity...have the months and years with nary a pregnancy been the answer and it's just an answer I'm unwilling to face? 

Well, recently, I've had this quietness in my spirit.  A willingness to just "Be".  I'm never going to be ready for anything that comes my way - adoption or pregnancy.  I won't lie...on the times in the past where we did a fertility cycle, I've been equally afraid of finding out YES as I have been of hearing another NO.  WHAT is wrong with me? I've thought before...But I guess it all comes down to the fact that I don't care who you are...adding to your family is a game-changer.

But now, to the good stuff.  Yesterday I had a basic appointment with a new doctor so I could become a not-new patient anymore in case I needed to see her.  Ahhhh the joys of moving to a new city.  Anyway, let me keep this long story very short by saying that, after taking my medical history of infertility, she wanted to confirm some details herself and took a look at my ovaries via sonogram.  No one ever believes me that I'm severely PCOS because I don't have any of the external symptoms of this disease.  

She flicks off the lights to look at the screen and I save her the trouble of detailing my ovaries to the nurse for my chart.  As I've heard a kajillion times in the past 6+ years, I parroted the following: Uterus is tilted posterior...greater than 20 follicles on left ovary...greater than 20 follicles on right ovary...ovaries are abnormally enlarged.

I saw recognition dawn in my doctor's eyes and she glanced at me and said, "You've been struggling with infertility for a while, huh?"  Yup, a long time, I reply.  Well, she pauses and I see her squint to confirm..."You have all that right except the abnormally enlarged ovaries part."  

Huh? 

You ovaries look perfectly normal to me...she says.  The right one is just barely enlarged but the left looks great.  Obviously, as you know both of them are polycystic, though.  But I heard her say the last part of the sentence like she was in another galaxy as I processed the fact that she said my ovaries were NORMAL size.

Imsorrybutwhatdidyoujustsaytome? I slurred in my mind.  My ovaries have never been normal...not since I was 14 years old at my first well woman appointment and the doctor delivered the news that I had PCOS.  A few more steps later and I'm left alone in the room for a moment to change and I can't help it...I begin to cry in just sheer awe.  It was just this past May when we saw another shot cycle fail and my heart was broken.  JUST this past May when my doctor had said my ovaries our ONLY option was an IVF.  In June, we turned down the free IVF we were offered and even though I've wondered a couple times if I was crazy, I couldn't deny I was at peace with it.  No more meds.  Not because they were wrong, but our season of pursuing a family that way had come to an end.  We were tired.     

Slowly, but surely, in HIS time...He is healing me.  And you know what?  There isn't a doubt in my mind its because of all of those of you who are praying for us as you've promised.  For me.  For my broken, dysfunctional body that's been my worst enemy.  I just want you to know that your investment of prayer in this journey hasn't been for not.  He is answering and I'm begging you to continue to pray for us if you truly feel called to!  And thank you, thank you, thank you for the ones you've already offered up.

I won't pretend to know what the future holds, but I know that He is GOOD and what He does is GOOD.