But Does It?

Recently I've been hit over and over with a "message" that has some eerily similar undertones to it. I can't think of any way to explain it other than to say that something deep inside me has begun take notice.  

We've recently connected with a new small group here in Birmingham through our church and I can't deny that, while I miss our small group back in Georgia, this group is equally incredible in its own way.  I walk away stretched and challenged and sometimes a little uncomfortable.  And I like it. 

Tonight in particular had me sweating in my chair because it was about the story of Abraham and Sarah and was detailing God's promise to give them a child and "multiply" them even though by all natural, rational expectations, this would not be the case for them.  I think it's pretty obvious why I take Genesis 12 and Hebrews 6:13-20 pretty seriously.  And, at times, find it painful.

I want, more than anything to believe that God's promise to bless these Abraham and Sarah, these two biblical "heroes", with a biological child(ren) might still apply to Dusty and I now, even all these generations later.  I mean, it's the Bible so one would assume yes.  Or at least I did.   

But does it?
 

Let me start with a verse we read tonight that might as well have been a neon sign in Hebrews that God put there for me. 

v 15 And so, after waiting patiently, Abraham obtained the promise.

I'll go ahead and be the first one to say it...I confess, I haven't been a patient wait-er.  If you've been reading my blog for any period of time you would be able to say that I don't just want children of my own - most of the time I'm anxious for it.  Time after time, I've begged God and pleaded for a child and month after month, year after year...here I am.  Still childless.  I've been waiting six years+...Abraham and Sarah had to wait 25+.  Wowsa.   

And, speaking of waiting, let me take a moment here to say something I've been biting my tongue on for a loooooong time.  Even if I know people have the absolute best intentions, I juust have to say it this once... 

You know what verse I wish I never, ever had to hear again?  Well, not ever...but NEVER again in the context of infertility?  Hands down: Romans 8:28.  "For all things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose." 

You know another one I highly recommend NOT saying to someone struggling with infertility: "For I know the Plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)  Oh, and here is another one I just thought of: "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you” (John 15:7)

I've got three words for those verses: OUT OF CONTEXT.

Please realize, I believe every word of all of those three verses wholeheartedly.  But I don't believe that it's quite so simple.  It's not love God and everything will be great and wonderful and perfect and life will work out exactly how you want it.  No. It doesn't say that.  We can pray and ask anything but what we think we need and what we actually need might be very different.  If God answered every prayer, I'd be in big, big trouble.  I respectfully submit that YES, our prayers will be answered no doubt.  But it won't always mean that it will be with a "yes".

What each of the verses points back to is that God has given us a promise that He alone is solid, safe, and secure and that each thing He does in our lives or allows in our lives - IF WE LET IT - will ultimately be for our good and for His glory...EVEN if it sucks right now!  I believe that.

What I don't believe is that the Bible or even us as Christians should suggest that loving Him will be easy. Just ask the 12 disciples...10 of which loved Him and gave up their lives for spreading the Good News but suffered and died the death of a martyr for the Cause.  I doubt if we were sitting a table with them they would say, "Yea, that following Jesus thing...Piece O' Cake."   

Here is what I have finally come to realize is this...NO. Abraham and Sarah's promise doesn't apply to me.  Having a child of my own may still happen if it's for God's glory and it might not because that will also be for His glory.  What IS, however, true for me about God that I feel were also true for Abraham and Sarah are these four things:

a. He created me and He knows what I want and, more importantly, what I need.

b. He grants me salvation because I'm imperfect and I desperately need Him.

c. My life - this whole up and down and around process - is about sanctifation.  It's a purifying process but I won't lie, it's gettin hot up in herrrr sometimes. 

d. At the end, He made a promise to me that says He will come back one day for His children and I'm one of those.  I have his covenant loyalty, meaning an unbreakable promise that He won't ever abandon those who truly love Him despite how it might feel at times.  And I know this: I truly love Him.

So that leads me to this conclusion...

Will I have a child of my own - as in biologically - one day?  I don't know.  But what I do know is that He's finally changing my heart to trust that whatever He does - like it or not - is for my good. 

Also, before I say it "out loud"...just know I don't know anything yet. Don't go gettin all crazy on me yet...just let me process.  But I still want to say it...


...there is no doubt my heart is slowly but surely opening to the idea of adoption.  Not because I'm finally giving up on my hopes and dreams and desires...but because my hopes and dreams and desires are getting broader.  They are rounding out.  Where once I heard birds chirping, now I'm hearing the beauty in their song.

I've been dying for - and so focused on - a child that would grow in my tummy...but what I'm realizing is that there is this new possiblity I'm finally willing to consider...

...that maybe, just maybe God is first growing a child of our very own in my heart.