It's time for bed and I turn off all of the lights in the house and wander blindly down the hall. I know the layout of the house and it's familiar to me but yet without the light illuminating my feet, I find myself walking forward more cautiously...more uncomfortably even. Every now and then, as I do this routine, I find that there is something surprising in my path. One trip down the hall, I run my fingers along the wall and end up knocking a frame off, shattering the glass that protects the image behind it. Another time my shin connects with a box that DW left in the hallway to be put in the attic at a later time. Other times...many times...I step on or kick a dog collar or a dog toy...and wince in pain, dancing around on one foot.
My point is that sometimes walking "blind" leads to a few surprises along the way.
This past Sunday, Dusty and I were sitting in church and the speaker was going through Ephesians 3 and was explaining how we should be bold and confident before God. And as the guy continued talking, I felt tears of frustration stinging at the backs of my eyes.
Bold and confident before our Father, huh? Well, I don't feel either right now. I thought. In fact, I started thinking back to the book of Ezra - where Ezra asked his family to fast and take time to pray that God would give them protection on a journey they were taking. I love Ezra's honesty when he continues by saying:
"I did this because I was ashamed to ask the king for Infantry and Calvary to protect us from enemies during the journey, since we had told him, 'The hand of our God is gracious to all who seek Him, but His great anger is against all who abandon Him.'"
Love it. Why? Because basically Ezra was saying, "So yea, we all need to pray reaaaaaaalllllyyyy hard because I boldly proclaimed that God would protect us on our journey. So now that I've said that how can I possibly go back to the king and say, "Ummmm, I know I said I trust God and all but can you give me an Infantry and Calvary, you know, just in case?"
The thing about living out my faith - the ups and downs - so publicly is that I feel like a chump sometimes. Like Ezra, I want to boldly claim that I love and trust Him...but I don't want to make it seem like it's always easy or perfect...because it's not. All of this journey is real for me but yet what stinks about it is that the readers get to watch me stumble around in the dark sometimes (ok, often) and hit my shin or bump my toe.
About two weeks ago, it hit me extremely hard...six years of actively wanting and waiting for a baby. 12 months in a year. At least 72 disappointments.
I told DW that I feel like I can't say anything about infertility anymore because if I'm exhausted with thinking about it, how much more will people who don't know me be tired of hearing about it. I've been keeping so much to myself lately for a couple reasons...but I can't not write. Writing helps heal me somehow...it calms the wars waging within me.
God, do you care? I've wondered more than once as I earnestly pray, day after day...
Seventy two disappointments ago I would have told you that I was a Christian...and I was. I'd accepted Christ as my Savior at 12 years old. But I didn't spend time in the Word and I didn't know Him until years later.
In late high school, early college...I began the process of "gathering facts". Think of it like a relationship where you are dating someone and you are acquiring knowledge of them. Does knowledge of some facts about them mean that you know everything? More importantly, does it mean that facts equal intimacy? Do those facts you know even mean you truly know them? I would submit that knowledge without intimacy means the relationship lacks depth.
Seventy two disappointments ago, I began the process of losing myself. I began the process of recognizing that the more my heartache grew, the more my need for Him grew as well. If I separate my relationship with Him from this journey of infertility...well, I know for a doubt I couldn't do it. I could not put one foot in front of the other each day. I realize there are plenty of people who will never understand what I'm saying. So many who will never, could never know the pain of infertility...but for those that do understand...man, it hurts, doesn't it?
Seventy two disappointments ago...and this morning I open up the Word (after asking for Him to reach for me, remember) and this is what I read:
"It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees. The law from your mouth is more precious to me than thousands of pieces of silver and gold." Psalm 119:71-72
And I know again in my heart what I have always known. The conclusion that I always come back to after each time spent in the Valley Low. It's not a new epiphany...
My time struggling with infertility isn't for Not. It's not an accident...and no matter that it often doesn't feel this way...it's a gift. This time of affliction has been a time where I have found intimacy with Christ I would have not had otherwise. Oh how this journey has changed me.
First I went to Him so I could negotiate a bargain. See God, I'll love you more wholeheartedly IF you'll just go ahead and give us a baby.
Then...out of sheer need for something to grasp onto. Because, let's face it, I couldn't survive without believing there was some bigger "good" that had to come out of all of this one day.
Later because I thought "If I could figure out what He's trying to tell me...if I can get this right...He'll give us a baby."
And finally...out of love. Pure and simple adoration for Him. I talk to Him because He is the only one who really makes me feel better. I talk to Him because I know I can say anything to Him, ask Him any question genuinely - and He'll still be my Father and my friend...
"If your instruction had not been my delight I would have died in my affliction..." Psalm 119:92
There are days it hurts so bad I want to just die. And even then I talk to Him because I don't believe that He's mean or unloving or that He allows us to continually hope in something that He doesn't intend for me.
Maybe its all best summed up in the words of an old gospel song by Norman Hutchins, "Lord, you are the Potter, I am the Clay. Mold me and make me, have Your own way..." I feel like I'm in the furnace now and this heat is uncomfortable. Oh Lord, will you someday soon remove me from this fire and show me what you've made me to be?
27 comments:
Maybe this is off topic, maybe not...
I feel like I read a lot from you about how you worry that people are "tired" of hearing about your IF struggles, so you've been restricting that part of your writing. Do you ever worry that people are "tired" of reading about fitness and weight loss? About your faith and God? About DW and your dogs?
I'd guess the answer is a no. Those are all huge parts of your life. Your faith. Your work. Your loves.
So why do you feel the need to censor the part of you that wants and NEEDS support while you struggle with your experiences and feelings about IF?
Just some food for thought...*hugs*
LOVE to you today.
First of all, Josey is 100% right.
Secondly, the sentence where you say "...what stinks about it is that the readers get to watch me stumble around in the dark sometimes..." is the exact opposite of how I feel. That part does stink for me, I think the stumbling is what makes you human and relatable. Don't ever feel like you have to hide that from the readers (friends).
Hang in there, I know it's so so hard sometimes.
I totally get what you mean when you say that you have lost yourself in this journey - I feel the same way. Oh how I would give anything to live freely again, without the thought of all of these troubles!! But then I think how selfish of myself, yes this has molded and made me a different person, but I am now a more understanding person. I guess I am still trying to see the glass full instead of half empty, but there are always days when it is half empty! I usually feel like an hourglass that someone keeps shaking/flipping - feel soo close to it being my time and then it is flipped over and I have to start all over again! Hang in there! I know this time of the year is the hardest.
I have to say, I'm with Josey on this one. You're honesty is what I deeply admire about you- your willingness to really let it all hang out- to trip and stumble in front of all of us, your friends. Honestly, your silence about your struggle with infertility over the last several months has made me think perhaps you had it all figured out. Like the pain might not be so paralyzing anymore. I hope you'll continue to share your heart, all of it. Hugs to you!
one of my favorite quotes is this one:
"I’m not always going to get what I want, but who I’m becoming is in fact more important than where I’m going. I often find myself in situations where if I look at the circumstances,it appears as if God is not there. However, I’m learning that God is most powerfully present, even when he seems most apparently absent." (pete wilson)
When I even start to think about our 6 years of trying for a baby, my heart gets quickly anxious and my head starts spinning. I start getting very angry at God and wonder why I had to be chosen for this. Why I had to be the one in my relationship and my friendship circles that had to have the "broken" body that can't produce children easily like my other friends.
But then I start being sane again and looking at all I have learned and how far I have come, personally, emotionally and especially spiritually. How the songs I sing in worship now mean so much more then they did before the 6 years. And how open my heart is to others because of my experiences.
You're there babe. And God has NOT left you. And He loves you. And so do I. He has so many good things planned for you - I can't wait to see you continue to grow.
xoxo - Janelle (@tuckergirl)
Amy don't EVER let the enemy make you think we grow tired of this journey with you. Sure, we all ache and shed tears for/with you in this struggle, but if anyone every grows tired of it - they don't have to "click" on over to read. We follow along because we care for you, believe for you, and probably most importantly are ENCOURAGED BY YOU IN YOUR STRUGGLES! Your humility in showing your vulnerable and human side in this walk is blessing so many people. It is well within your right to decide what you need to share and what is sacred between you, DW, and God. But always know your life (and heart) is such a beautiful testimony of a submitted walk before Christ.
Personally, you're one of the few people in the blog world who has been facing IF as long as I have, and I find support and encouragement in your relationship with God. I guess I just needed someone who was in the same boat, because the journey of faith does get more difficult in year four, or, in our case, almost year seven.
I will be sincerely be praying for you.
More than anything you encourage people by sharing your struggles. I have been dealing with infertility for just over 2 years now and it is soo comforting to know that other people deal with the same feelings and emotions that I do every day.
I'm getting caught up on months' worth of posts today and have loved reading all of your updates!
It's important to recognize that God has heard you all 72 times you have been disappointed and has a plan for you! I'm praying for you both.
I'm praying for you. I've never gone through infertility (however we haven't even began trying yet). BUT I did recently write a post about my new found cousin who was struggling with infertility and adoption. She had something similar happen to her like you did with Alli. They were just blessed with the most precious little bundle, ONE day after they had pretty much given up on becoming parents.And I have faith you will be just as blessed. Don't lose hope, you'll make a wonderful mother. I'm praying for you and DW, your strength is out of this world!
One thing I've learned is that if writing about your struggles helps you - do it! We don't mind at all. Your honesty is so encouraging to others. I will be praying for you.
Your honesty is so encouraging to me. I was actually just telling a friend at work today how much I appreciate your openness on your blog about every topic. Don't stop being you!
Hi Amy! I meant to do this several posts ago (leave a comment). I've been reading a few months, but never have until now (comment, that is). My road to becoming a mommy was a long one but definitely not as painful as it is for some. But waiting is waiting, and I totally get that part. It's so crappy most days, others not as much. When I read what happened with Alli (which is when I started reading your blog faithfully), my heart just broke. My sister and BIL went through the very same heartache. Not long after, they adopted my niece, and she's been in our lives for almost six and a half years. Because of your strong faith, I know and trust your story will have nothing less than the ending God has planned for it (which is immeasurably more than we can ask or think). Praying for you today, and thanks for sharing your heart.
As much as the journey sucks, even though God has a reason and purpose for the journey, I am thankful for your honesty. Honesty in your struggles with infertility (I feel you on that one), your walk with God, the journey you're on...it's why I read your blog. I hope with you, cry with you, and rejoice with you. So now, I will pray with you, and give praise for your journey. Because it has brought you here, to this place in your life, where you grow ever closer to God.
I understand how as a blogger you must think "Do I say this too much?" or whatever, but what I love about your blog is how real it is, and it always seems that what's on your mind is what comes out in your posts. And after reading for a long time I have never gotten tired of anything you talk about, and especially not when it's something with infertility that will call other people to pray for you or to maybe be more open to the struggles that other women go through. When I hear people talk so flippantly about getting pregnant or whatever I just think "They have no idea!" so I love that you not only are sharing your heart but you're also showing the other side to things as well. I'm praying for you faithfully and I believe one day that I'll be sharing your joy over a baby ... and I can't wait.
God bless!!
You may feel like everyone is tired of hearing about your infertility journey, but not me. I keep coming back to your blog because I've been struggling with this for almost 4 years, and you can put into words what I can't and help me to see and understand things in a way I can't see. Your faith through all of this encourages me and helps me to keep pressing on.
I love the story in John 9 about Jesus healing a blind man. When the disciples asked what sins the man or his parents had committed to make him blind, Jesus responded that no one sinned, that he HAND PICKED the man to use so he can show off His glory. I know that God handpicked each one of us going through this hard journey so in the end, He can show off his glory through us. Hang in there - praying for you.
I love coming to read your blog because I feel you are someone who understands a little of what I am feeling. I often don't feel free to share all that I am processing my my blog is private.
It's been nearly 4 years for us with 2 miscarriages in there. It's tough. And recently I decided to lay it all down. TO try my best to surrender. TO stop timing things out stop treatments, etc. Time to move ahead into whatever that may be...just wish I knew what it was fully.
Here's a quote I like "As children bring their broken toys with tears for us to mend. I brought my broken dreams to God because he is my friend. At last I snatched them back again crying my God how can you be so slow. My child he said, what could I do you never did let go.
I wish I could take you out for coffee and get to know you. I admire your faith and love for Jesus. I admire your perspective on seeing this has all been for a reason. And it's not due to sin or anything like that...just to draw you closer to Him. And through your journey you've pointed many to Jesus even if you weren't aware of that.
Rebekah
rfoord (at hotmail)
you are an amazing writer. praying.
Oh, how I can relate to your post today. It will be 7 years of this infertility journey for us in February. I canNOT separate this journey from my faith. They go hand in hand, as I trust that God has a plan in all of this. But, I'll be honest... I'm especially hurt and angry about it this month. I'm grateful that He can handle my hurt, my anger, my wrestling, my questioning,... I acknowledge that He's sovereign and that I don't have to understand, but to trust and walk by faith. My prayer lately has been "less of me, more of You." I want that more than anything. But, quite frankly, I could use an attitude adjustment lately. The question I continually go back to is - WHY, oh WHY Lord, would you create in me this desire to be a mother (from a very young age), to leave me "hanging"? If it's to take me to a breaking point where I acknowledge that I'll serve Him anyway, I'll love Him anyway, well,...I've arrived. So, why am I still waiting? Why do we not have peace to take any action toward adoption, even though we'd adopt tomorrow if a baby was available? I feel in my heart that He's calling me to wait, to be still,... And, maybe someday I can say it is "for this child I have prayed."
Ahhh, so sorry to let loose on you. I guess I just want you to know how much your words and sharing mean to me. God is using you as a blessing in my life. Just knowing I'm not the only one facing this is comforting.
I pray for you each time I think of you through my days and weeks.
While it breaks my heart that you too are struggling with infertility I love reading your blog and knowing that I'm not alone in this journey.
This week I found great comfort in Philippians 4:6-7
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
The verses go together but take a second to meditate on 7.
I know that over 5 years of longing for a baby God has given me a peace that transcends all understanding as I would imagine that you feel as well. Don't get me wrong as you know there are some REALLY hard times. I'm so glad to know that he guards my heart, gives me peace and draws me closer to Him like you spoke about.
You are wise and encouraging and I love reading along with your journey . . . I'm praying for you too! (ps - I feel the same way about writing - it was especially healing for me while Caden was so sick . . . )
i am a fairly new follower and have been blessed by your honesty and authenticity.
i am reading a book by andy stanley right now and a passage from it made me think of your situation. he says that, "discomfort is part of the cure. you strengthen a muscle by exhausting it and then letting it rest." where are hearts or life issues are concerned, sometimes He's got to "exhaust us" in order to let us then rest.
praying that your time of "exhaustion" leads to a blissful and blessed period of rest. because like you said, He never does anything without a purpose and plan.
Hi! I've stumbled across your blog a few times recently and have always been impressed at the way you articulate your feelings and beliefs, especially surrounding infertility. My husband and I have been on our own journey for four and a half years at this point so I definitely relate. This post sums up so much of what I've been feeling and thinking as of late, from the feeling lost in IF to drawing closer to the Lord. Keep up the good work!
This post has really resonated with me. We have been ttc for over 6 and a half years. We are coming to terms that it will not happen. But I am able to thank the lord for this rough walk as it has brought me so much closer to him. There's this verse: rejoice, pray without ceasing and give thanks in all circumstances for that is the will of god for you in Christ Jesus. It has been on my heart for over 2 years and helped me so much. Love your blog. Keep writing if you can as you are expressing what we are all feeling one way or another.
To be honest, I prefer your honest and open posts about what is on your heart. Happy, sad, frustrated, etc. So many of us are in the same battle, fighting the same hard fight, arguing, bargaining with God, etc. It's nice to feel encouraged and how can we encourage you if we don't know what you are struggling through? Josey, as usual, is right on the money. Write what's on your heart. Who knows who it may lead to Him?
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