Only When DW is Gone...

I'm pretty sure my life is one big Candid Camera moment.  Or at least I imagine it to be one.  This helps me find reasons to laugh at insanity instead of actually GO insane. Yesterday was a long, busy day and by the end of it, I was absolutely exhausted.  On the tail end of my day, I had two appointments...one to the vet and one to get my hair cut.  Appointment #1 should have warned me that it was not the day to do Appointment #2.

Let's discuss Appointment #1.  The Vet.  I pull up to the vet and it was as if each of the instances I'm about to describe happened in slow motion:

1.  I open the door to let Sam and Tucker out of the car...but first I need to lean down to the floorboard, pick up the leash, and attach it to their collars.  As I'm leaning down, Sam - in his excitement - swings his head up at the very moment I'm going down.  His head connects squarely under my chin, causing me almost to bite my tongue off. 

2.  In response to the skull-to-chin connection and subsequent tongue biting, I jerk upward and proceed to connect the back of my head with the top of the door frame of the car.  Thereby giving myself a concussion.  #oknotreallybutclose

3. I held in a choice word.

4. As I am attaching the leash, I bobble the folder full of THREE YEARS of pet records - organized by date - and drop it onto to soaking wet pavement.

5. When I bend down quickly (rearend-to-heels style) to pick up the scattered papers in the drizzling rain, Sam takes this as an invitation to jump out of the car and effectively knocks me backward, flat on my butt.

6. Tucker follows Sam and trampels me...and my pet records. 

7. I manage to hang onto their leash, pick up the papers and shove them haphazardly back into the folder. 

8. I walk toward the door of the vet and there are two options: a wheelchair ramp and stairs. 

9. Sam takes the ramp, Tucker takes the stairs.

10. I am physically split in two by the guard rail.

11. I get them to go up the same direction and by this time I'm soaked.

12. The three circus clowns (Tucker, Samson, and I) walk up to the front desk, which is glass.  Sam runs into it because he isn't looking.  He pulls back in shock and shakes his head to recover from his surprise.

13. I smirk with satisfaction...just a little. 

14. The desklady gives me paperwork to fill out but as I try to walk toward the chair, I realize the dogs have walked around me in differently directions, binding my legs together.  I'm frozen and staring at the lady.  She asks me if I need anything.  I'm like, "Yea, yeah I do.  My sanity." but I don't say this.  I just smile politely and say, "No, I'm good thank you."

15. I fill out the paperwork and make it to the safety of the room. 

16. Vet tech comes in. He looks 12.  I'm not sure if he's the vet or the vet tech and he doesn't say.  I think about bolting.

17. Vet Tech leaves with Samson and the actual Vet walks in.  He's an older, balding man with piercing blue eyes and white hair (well, what's left of it)...but there are men who have "swagger" and can pull this off.  He has said "swagger" and I text DW while the Vet is examining Tucker. "Our new vet is hawt for an old dude."  He replies, "Should I come punch him?"

18. I laugh out loud and Hot Vet looks at me, quizzically.  I blush.  He goes back to work.

19. Vet visit is over and I believe the madness is almost over as well.

20. I pay, vomit a little from the expense, and then load the dogs in the car.  As an afterthought, I pull down the visor and glance in the mirror before putting the car in reverse.  I have black mascara a half-inch below my eyes, making me look like I live on the streets of Birmingham.

21. I realize this is how Hot Vet will remember me.  Awesome.

22.  Need I go on?

23. Fast foreword 1 day

24. I left the dogs out of the house after dinner.  Tucker, my 13 year old manages to chase down a squirrel and kill it.  I did not know he could move that fast.

25. Samson runs over, grabs it, and proudly brings it to me...and it's tail touches my leg.

26. I scream.

27.  Samson runs away from me and the more I yell "drop it", the faster he runs. 

28. I'm chasing Sam down our street with a squirrel hanging from his mouth, yelling...Sam! Drop it!

29. Tucker is chasing me.

30. I realize 3 neighbors are on their front porch talking.  Oh wait, they weren't talking...they were watching the crazy lady and her dogs running down the street. 

31.  DW is out of town. 

32. These things ONLY happen when DW is out of town.

33.  I should write a book, "The things that ONLY happen when DW is out of town." 

This is one day in my life.  I'm pretty sure I need my own reality tv nightmare show.  This is 33 reasons why we will NOT be getting that goat that DW wants. 

Appointment #2 can be summarized by the following statement: Bob with bangs in the front.  Party in the back.