DW has been out of town for work and that always leave the house quiet and gives me time to reflect. And when I'm alone and quiet, things that need addressing always seem to pop to the surface. I'm a seeker...so don't take the following dialogue as me saying, oh poor-pitiful-me...I actually like to analyze and change and grow. Now, that doesn't mean that self-realization isn't painful sometimes but I'm less afraid of realizing my flaws than I am of not realizing them. I don't want to NOT know I'm selfish or hurtful or insensitive to others...but its a journey and I've asked God to reveal things about my character in "small bites" so that I won't be overwhelmed or filled with self-loathing in this process - as I'm sure I will always have plenty I can work on.
One thing I've been struggling with over the last several weeks is feeling a bit like a hypocrite.
Rewinding a bit: I (still) feel this blanket no-strings-attached forgiveness for "Ali" and that situation. I literally accepted her apology on the spot and haven't thought another thing about what she did. I have truly forgiven her and I think God used that situation to show me that I AM capable of forgiving wholeheartedly and without condition. But it's going to take some growth on my part and granting me some extra strength on His part.
We still talk - almost daily in fact - and after her willingness to give me some answers about who "Ali" really is and "why" she did what she did and "what for" and "etc" we determined we could move past the grievance and have a "do over". Try things the way they could have/should have been in the first place if she'd just said, "Hey, I could really use a friend."
We still talk - almost daily in fact - and after her willingness to give me some answers about who "Ali" really is and "why" she did what she did and "what for" and "etc" we determined we could move past the grievance and have a "do over". Try things the way they could have/should have been in the first place if she'd just said, "Hey, I could really use a friend."
BUT what I've realized is this: BIG FREAKING WHOOP. I could feel good about myself all day long for that situation but the truth is, forgiving a stranger didn't really stretch me as a person. Not to say it was easy but it IS easier to forgive a stranger than it is to forgive a "friend" who wounds you.
It dawned on me how little grace I have for those in my immediate circle who weren't/aren't "supposed" to hurt me. I confess. I struggle to offer them the same grace that I offered Ali, a complete stranger. I fall short there. And so really, the truth is, while I might seem "good" at forgiveness, in fact, the opposite might be true. The closer I let people in and the more I feel wronged, the less easy it gets to do what I know I should do. God has been working on me here a lot.
Don't get me wrong, there is a difference between forgiving someone, not holding their wrongs against them or letting it consume you...and being an idiot. Sometimes you recognize something in a person that isn't healthy for you and you have to remove yourself from the situation. I had to do that a couple years ago with someone who on paper looked like she would be a great friend...but something about our personalities and the way we viewed the world couldn't do anything but clash and were anything but healthy. Taking a step back wasn't to punish anyone or inflict pain...it was to prevent unnecessary conflict and drama. Wrong? I don't know. But it didn't feel wrong and still doesn't.
Anyway, not sure why I felt like I should share that...but I guess because that "Ali" story was one small part of a whole picture and I'm still figuring out the rest of it. I definitely don't want to present myself as anything better (or worse) than I actually am. But I sure don't want to be perceived as someone who has got it all together or who is great at this Faith or Life-in-general thing because I'm not and I don't.
Faith, in my mind, feels a little bit like Groundhog*s Day. Every morning when you wake up, you are given the same (or similar) situations and trials, you deal with the same people (family, friends, co-workers, clients)...and so every day I wake up with the opportunity to live out my Faith well or totally suck it up. One day I may have a spectacular day and walk out the whole day and do it well. The next day I might fail miserably and misrespresent my Faith and what I say I stand for. Does that make me a bad Christian? I don't think so. It makes me human and it makes me want to be better than the bad days. Every day I am presented with a new and unique opportunity...so really every day in this life is like the start of the Faith journey and every night I crawl in bed I'm arriving at the end of the road. When I wake up, I get to do it again...
I guess it just strikes me as interesting to realize that, until the day I die and stand before God in heaven, I haven't arrived. One day I might be a "hero" of the faith like Esther or Ruth or Hannah or David or Paul...and one day I might be an absolute "failure".
Don't linger long on either the successes or failures is what I'm coming to realize. Because tomorrow the journey begins again...
And I'm learning to just tell myself, "If you screwed that up today...do better tomorrow."Love the Lord with all your heart and all your soul and all your strength and all your mind and love your neighbor as yourself. Luke 10:27
10 comments:
wow...guilty as charged. Never even thought of it that way. You are right, it's much easier for me to forgive the stranger that wrongs me and not those friends that I've known and loved forever. Time for some self-evaluation...lol! Thanks for this eye-opener. Will continue to pray over the relationship w/ "Ali"
You have an amazing sense of self-awareness. And an amazing ability of putting your thoughts into words without sounding contrived. Love how real you are...love it.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts today.
It amazes me how, very regularly, you discuss issues that I am dealing with. This one about forgiveness is powerful as I am currently struggling so hard to _really_ forgive those who were once close to me. I feel betrayed, abandoned, and even kind of abused. I know it's because I placed trust in these people and they totally let me down, and that's something I just need to get over and move on.
I have to pray for strength daily when dealing with my situation, and now whenever I pray for me, I'll add in a word for you, too :)
Thanks for being honest and real.
I have such a hard time forgiving people, even for the littlest things. I definitely need to remember that verse.
Also- totally off topic but you look absolutely gorgeous in that last post! What a fun dinner party ;)
Thanks for this! It's nice to know other believers mess up, feel convicted about it, yet desire to do better! I had a situation last weekend in which I totally disobeyed God and as soon as I did, I knew it. We as humans have those good and bad days. There's no way around it. But, you're right...learning from those mistakes and desiring to do better tomorrow is all we as Christians can do. Thanks for sharing Amy!
Thanks for this! It's nice to know other believers mess up, feel convicted about it, yet desire to do better! I had a situation last weekend in which I totally disobeyed God and as soon as I did, I knew it. We as humans have those good and bad days. There's no way around it. But, you're right...learning from those mistakes and desiring to do better tomorrow is all we as Christians can do. Thanks for sharing Amy!
Love this post. I think the same can be said for me at times, and it's important to not dwell on the good or bad for too long because it keeps us from growing in the future. Thanks for sharing!!
I tried to leave a comment before, but I don't think it saved..if it did, please excuse the double comment!! I totally agree with everything you said here. I think we ALL struggle with these things in one way or the other, but the fact you are able to be AWARE and articulate it like this speaks volumes. Thank you!
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Amy, thank you for sharing your thoughts! I wanted to tell you that your paragraph about recognizing that a friendship with someone isn't healthy for you and you have to remove yourself from the situation to "prevent unnecessary conflict and drama", those words spoke volumes to me...
We are currently dealing with this kind of scenario in my house with my 15 yr. old daughter and a friend/family who "on paper look like we should/could be great friends with" and we have shared some very good times/memories with them, but there have also been too many conflicts, hurt feelings and way too much drama over 12 years of knowing each other.
Sadly, they live on our street, less than 10 houses away so it's not always easy to avoid seeing each other coming or going. But, It's now time to take that major step back, and I know they feel it too, as there has been minimal verbal contact for several months. While it doesn't feel completely wrong and it's for the best for my daughter and our family and the other family, as well, I struggle to find real peace with the loss of this relationship.
Your words of "prevent unnecessary conflict and drama" are helping me to move past this trial and support my daughter in the way she needs.
Groundhog Day is an excellent way to describe the Christian walk. I often feel as if I'm learning the same lessons again and again...with a bit more added in each time.
Grateful for grace, redemption, and mercies that are new every morning.
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