Life Given and Life Taken Away...

I normally try not to blog twice in one day because 1) my life isn't really that interesting and 2)because it just seems rude to ask you to read my thoughts twice in one day. ;-) It's just that I'm feeling unsettled tonight...and it's been eating at me all day that the words I left you with in my last post were these:

For the first time in my life, I've wanted to shake my fist at God and say, "If you love me, I'm willing to take it and accept that you won't give us children...but to take the 'children' I've currently got?!" I'm just not ready...

While they were truly what I was feeling, since that moment there hasn't been any fist shaking going on. I've just spent the day apologizing and asking Him to give me more faith, more trust. I don't think He caused this to happen to Cooper and I don't even think He's obligated to stop it. I'm just afraid He won't and I'm more afraid that I'm not strong enough to weather this storm right now.

I was hoping to be sharing the news of a pregnancy today, actually. It would have been really early and really risky since my fertility disease makes miscarriage likely, but all the same, I was ready to share whatever the outcome might have been. Several weeks ago I went to a chiropractor and found out that I've had a fracture in my lower back that I didn't realize was there. Because of the fracture, the nerves in my lower back were pinched and the area that those nerves fed were what caused my brain to talk to the parts of my body related to fertility. When the chiropractor adjusted me, I felt this feeling like someone was slowly pouring hot wax through my lower abdomen and only minutes later I felt cramping. I actually said to DW, jokingly, "my uterus hurts." We laughed and I told him about the hot wax feeling but didn't think much about it until hours later when I experienced signs related to ovulation. Less than 24 hours later, an ovulation predictor test confirmed I was, to my awe and amazement. While some might say it's coincidence...and it could have been...it was an amazing coincidence and it's one I'm going to continue to explore by going back to the chiropractor who is helping me.

Since DW was in Memphis for work and I was in Atlanta, we decided we didn't want to have any "what if's" about it since this isn't a regular occurrence for me. We both hopped in the car, headed for somewhere in the middle, which just happened to be DW's hometown in Alabama. We laughed as we talked on the phone while we were driving...knowing what we were doing was unlikely and impulsive and we knew we were going to feel wasted the next day, but we just decided life is too short. Three and a half hours later, around midnight...we pulled off the highway and pulled into a church parking lot to figure out a strategy for this meet up, if you will. Listen, think all you want that I'm over sharing, but the worst part about infertility is the indignity of it and the things that you have to do because "what if". We've decided that this is part of our journey and since we live it, we might as well laugh about it and hope that what we go through helps another couple through it. And laugh about it we did...

DW, being in his old stomping grounds, gave me directions of where to go and I cracked up as I realized he's telling about this dirt road not far from where we were that there were no lights, no traffic, etc. I can't believe I'm doing this, we probably both said a couple times...I know I did. I don't care who you are, driving 3 hours to meet for 15 minutes, climbing in the back seat of a car like a teenager when you're 30+ years old, on a country dirt road, and hoping and praying that the cops don't show up and you aren't on private property makes life interesting. And then when you have a husband as funny as mine, I have laughed and laughed thinking about him saying to me in an exaggerated redneck voice, "Baby, this is the way we do it in these here parts...on a back road in the back seat of the car. We're just doing things the Cordova way...and lots of pregnancies have happened this way."

I knew I was pregnant before I knew...I just had a feeling in my heart. Well...we found out we had another chemical pregnancy today.

The truth is, I know God has a reason and is in control...but today, when I said that about being angry at God on my previous blog, I just hit rock bottom. I couldn't find the strength to laugh at the hand we've been dealt anymore and I couldn't deal with the thought of losing Cooper, too. I know sometimes things just happen but it just seems so overwhelming and at once. I was just mad at the whole world because every one's life was just going on as normal and I feel like mine is falling apart. Technically, based on the timing, I was pregnant when she first got sick so whether it just wouldn't have worked out anyway or my anxiety contributed to this early miscarriage, it's still a tough storm to whether all at once. That said, when God did answer my prayer, it seems fitting Satan would cause something like this to undo the good. It would have brought God too much glory. I don't expect God to save Cooper or to have saved me from miscarrying...there are no accidents in this. But I'm still asking for God to save Cooper...and I am so incredibly thankful for those of you who are praying and asking when I just can't pray and ask anymore.

For now Cooper seems to be doing okay and I'm so grateful to have her still...everything else will just have to wait to be dealt with in my heart another day.