When The Phone Rings...

Recently, as I was cooking dinner, I received one of the most unexpected, strange phone calls I think any person can receive. When I answered, my friend, Shannon, who goes to our church and is in our Small Group kinda stammered and stuttered and stalled as she said, "I have something to ask you...well, tell you...well, I really don't know what to say so I'll just say it..." That went on for a minute or two before I heard her take a deep breath and say, "Ok" and begin her story.

She went on to tell me that she had been talking to a woman in her homeschool mom circle and as they were sharing what's been going on in their lives, the woman revealed she was really struggling. Her 18 year old daughter had recently told her she was pregnant and was "considering her options". This woman, "S", was telling my friend that she isn't able to financially or emotionally support raising her grandchild-to-be and the daughter, "JC", isn't ready to have a child. The grandmother has been encouraging her daughter to think seriously about adoption rather than abortion, which seems to be at the top of the list. Currently, "JC's" thought process is that she doesn't know if she could give the baby away to a family and not know if it was a good home. When that was said, Shannon jumped in and said, "Well, I know this couple who has been struggling with infertility and they would be wonderful parents if she were to consider adoption. I know they'd want a baby!" As soon as Shannon said it, she said she realized she was speaking out of turn and didn't even know if I'd be willing to consider adoption.

Fast forward...

Later that evening, I get the phone call from my friend that was part apology, part questioning where my heart is at in this whole process. Would I consider adopting? was the question she presented. I stood there, mouth open, cheeks burning with surprise and shock, and didn't snap back to reality until the water I was stirring boiled over onto the stove.

What Shannon didn't know is that a couple of months ago, I wrote a letter to the Pastor of my church after much thought and conviction. I've been so closed to the idea of adoption for now (we'd like to eventually) because I've felt like I don't have a ton of good "fertility years" left. Yet, in my heart, I knew my spirit was riddled with disobedience every time God asked me, "Are you willing to trust me even if my answer isn't what you want to hear?" Each time I wanted to say, "Yes", but the truth is that the authentic answer in my heart was really "No." I didn't want to consider adoption because it almost felt like, by doing so, I would be giving up or making an admission that having a biological child wasn't going to happen. Again and again, I've felt God ask me if I would trust Him...and again and again I felt like I was supposed to write a letter to our Pastor and I wouldn't do it. Well, a few months ago, I finally decided I would just take that first "baby step" and privately do what I felt in my spirit God was asking me to do. I knew I needed to act in faith or the reality would continue to slap me in the face that I was only openly and wholeheartedly His in theory, not in action.

I compose this letter...and briefly I tell the Pastor that Dusty and I are struggling with infertility and that it's been on my heart to ask him that if he ever comes across a family in our church or community where they are considering options for a child that is pregnant...would he please keep us in mind. I told him that I just wanted to prayerfully consider whether we would be the right option for them and they would be the right option for us. Putting my pride and embarrassment on a back shelf, I sent it...and asked for him to keep my request in complete confidence.

Fast forward again...

About a month ago, the continue to try vs. adopt now rather than later battle was still waging in my head and heart. I finally just put it to God something like this: Lord, I don't have the faith and I don't trust myself enough to know what the next step it. But what I do know is that if you want me to adopt, you're going to have to make it painfully obvious. As in, baby-on-the-church-doorstep obvious because I'm too scared to make the leap.

Fast forward to the phone call and I hear my Mom's voice in my head saying, "Be careful what you ask for..." like she did the time I told her that I wanted braces like, so bad because all the girls who had them were beautiful. Oh, the mind of a child. This phrase rings in my ears and I hear myself replying to Shannon's next question by saying: "Sure, you can give them our blog address and contact information. We aren't opposed to a conversation." What?! are you saying?! my mind screamed, but my heart and spirit felt amazingly settled.

Over the next several days, "S" and I sent a couple of emails back and forth and I tried to contact "JC" just to meet for decaf coffee or something so we could even see if we felt comfortable with one another. I didn't want to assume I'm the right person for this girl's child, I only wanted her to know there are people like me out there who would die for the privilege of experiencing life.

As it turns out, her boyfriend (which is not the baby's father) took my phone call and told me that "she wasn't interested in talking to me because she didn't have any desire to carry the baby to full term and then give it away...and didn't want anyone trying to convince her otherwise." I get that. It's a big decision and it's hard when you have a lot of people telling what you should, could, need to do. But while I can see how that would be incredibily hard, every part of me as a woman struggling with infertility wants to beg and plead, to tell her that just because the baby might not have a life with you doesn't mean that he or she doesn't deserve life at all.

I'm not asking for your opinion on this situation or on JC's decision because, ultimately, it's between her and the God that loves her whether she knows it or believes it or not...but what I do want to ask for is that you'll be praying for this family and this unborn child. Will you pray for me as it's weighing so heavily on my heart and I've done all I can (and will do) without solicitation for more from JC. When she is ready - if she is ready - I'm here to talk and listen and support. Will you pray that something inside her heart softens and aches?

Lord, I don't know what you are doing...or why I'm involved...or why you are telling me to wait...listen...do...pray...but I trust you. Lead and guide me...give me ears to hear your will, eyes to see the direction you want me to take, lips that speak of your unfailing, faithful, powerful love...