We had a wonderful weekend with our friends, Chris and Shanna, and their little girl, Liz. I'm waiting on pictures so I'll share more on that sweet, sweet time together later. In the meantime, I've just really felt a pressing this to write down what has been on my heart all day.
As I mentioned a few months ago, I think, DW and I decided we were going to take a break from all things infertility related. I was so emotionally, spiritually, and physically tired from all of the hormones, weight gain, and disappointment that I just couldn't do it anymore. DW was completely supportive of this decision and admitted he would welcome a break himself. It's been a good time to just clear our heads and dig into growing our business.
During this season of rest, it's become apparent to me that although I know a lot of things about God's character, I also have a lot of skewed ideas about who He is and how He works. I've realized that I've viewed God's blessing as affirmation that I'm on track spiritually and I've view His "silence" or my heartache as an indicator that I'm somehow - even if unknowingly - off track. Currently, I'm doing Beth Moore's "Psalms of Ascent" - and it's showing me that this idea of God that I've had in my head is not just a little off base, it's WAY off base. This particular passage I read recently really hit home with me:
Psalms of Ascent, pg 69:
As a Christian, it's easy to readily credit the blessings in our life to the Lord. But we need to watch out because we can grow secure in the favor God has shown us and forget that we need to be trusting in God himself. If our trust is in the manifestations of God's favor rather than God himself, we will crumble like dry clay when He calls us to walk a distance of our journeys entirely by faith and not by sight. (emphasis and paraphrasing mine)
Beth, did you write that for me? Oh what freedom there is in that! There are so many days that it feels impossible not to feel like dry clay! I'm on this blind journey...never knowing when it will end...or if it will end. Yet to know that this faith-journey is not an indication of His favor or lack of favor with me is something I've been needing to hear so badly. I know that deep down, but to live in that freedom is much harder than it sounds.
The last time we hung out with Chris and Shanna, Liz climbed into my lap, placed her tiny palms against either side of my face, looked sincerely and deeply into my eyes and asked: "Amy? Why are you not a mommy?" It took me a minute to trust myself enough to speak and, when I could, I answered honestly, "I don't know, Liz." The moment - for her - had passed and she was already showing me how her dolls could do this and that. It, however, was one of my lowest moments in this journey - definitely not that Liz caused it but that she, in innocence, asked the question at the core of who I am. A question that I can't seem to find the answer to - yet.
I still don't know why. What I do know is that I love what David says in Psalm 125:1: "Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion. It cannot be shaken; it remains forever." I do not want my faith to be shaken or wear out. I want to be like the mountain - immovable in my love for God and in my trust that He knows what's best from me. I love how Beth Moore so eloquently said it:
"Mountain-like security only comes from trusting God, not what He's done for us or given us, however glorious and eternal those things may be."
Lord, that I might trust you more and more...
21 comments:
God bless you! I know this is hard. It is by far the hardest thing me and my husband have gone through. Before we finally had our daughter my nephew asked my why I didn't have any babies. Ouch. That was hard to answer.
Hang in there sweetie. God will carry you through. He knows the plans he has for you....
Amy, as you know, we struggled w/ infertility also and i know EXACTLY how you feel....i did the same thing and realized that I was also off track w/ who God actually is instead of how I made Him appear to be. I also thought i was out of His favor or like I was being punished but ya know, lookin back, as you will also one day, it was beautiful & bittersweet to see the journey to Shelby. It's made us appreciate her so much more than I KNOW we would w/o going through what we did. I know it hurts and i'm here if u wanna vent or talk just email me! bkah83@yahoo.com
God will deliver you Amy...He will...love ya
WOW! That's an amazing revelation. Like you, I find it's so easy to look for God's "approval" in His blessing or lack thereof.
I've actually never even thought of it this way, but boy do I need to!!
Thanks, Amy!
Great post! I too look for God's approval and when something goes wrong it is somehow God's disapproval for something I have done. I am learning to trust God and his timing for me. I know he has a plan for you Amy and I know it will be the perfect plan, at the perfect time.
What a magnificent post! And JUST what I needed today. Thank you for continuing to inspire me to walk closer to Him.
Such a great post. Hang in there. God has plans for you. Praying for you.
Wow. This hit pretty close to home. With all we've been through, I seem to revert to thinking that God is trying to "purify" me from my sinful nature through hard times in order to draw me closer to him--as if what Jesus has done isn't enough.
I have different struggles but am learning similar lessons--and thanks to Miss. Beth too! :)
For too long, my faith has been based on what I perceive God doing in my life and not in the promises of who he IS.
He loves us so very deeply. Sometimes it seems too hard to actually accept that love with open hands--especially in the dark and confusing moments of our lives. And yet, because of who He is, we should have confidence that he is listening to, loving, and even lavishing us with his love and goodness.
Your honesty and openness about the pain of this situation speaks into the lives of many, Amy. It probably isn't what you ever thought your blog would be about, but your example of faith here shines God's glory into an all too bleak world!
You are amazing. Your heart is so beautiful and your sincerity moves me! I have to tell you that I pray almost daily for friends struggling with infertility and you are on my list. I am believing that one day little Liz's question will be answered!!!!
Amy,
This post literally had me STOP in my tracks. All of it is OH SO TRUE!!
I had a lady in my Bible Study group tell us last night that she hadn't been married in YEARS and is so close to God and has such a personal relationship with Him right now that she's afraid to get married, thinking that it might interfere with her relationship with God. I just sat in awe at how she is so comfortable and trusting that God is ALL SHE NEEDS.
I pray daily that I will get to the point...where nothing else matters but Him.
Praying for you friend!
Wonderful post...did you write that for me??
Ok, just by looking at your header I knew we would be friends in real life! :) It looks like you and your hubby have a sense of humor (as do we), two dogs that look just like our two, and you have an eye for fashion (houndstooth hat). It's destiny!! :)
Hey! Thanks for stopping by my blog. I actually live on the outskirts of Memphis, but Memphis is the city most people are familiar with.
Anyway, this is a really good post! I love that verse in Psalm about trusting in the Lord. it's so very true!
I love this post - and want you to know that I will be praying for you - I hope you will continue to grow in your knowledge of who God is! :-)
you always write so eloquently! and I am still praying for you and DW, you are such a wonderful team and obviously put together by God :) I love when I see couples who are so in harmony, it is so special, and wonderful! hugs!
Love this post and I love Beth Moore too! She's amazing!
I went through this study a couple of years ago and it was so powerful. I love this post and I can so relate. We've been studying our "Godview" in youth lately and God has shown me so many areas that I was way off base in how I viewed Him.
Thank you for sharing your heart. Praying for you...
great post. even though i have no idea what it feels like, i feel like i have a better insight after reading it. praying.
Wow, thank you for sharing that. I honestly never thought about the difference in trusting God and trusting his works in our life. They are completely different, what a great eye opener.
What a beautifully, honest post. This resonates with me... oh, and hello, by the way! :) I found you by way of Brown Girl!
J :)
Amy, thank you so much for sharing this. It really made an impact on me, and I truly appreciate it. Trusting in the Lord is so hard for me sometimes. This was perfect timing. Thanks again!
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