Peace...

I look up and before I know it, several days have passed and I'm behind again...I think it's just that time of year! FitLab is on holiday break and DW and I are using the time to finish up the painting and complete our zen-ish bathroom at the facility. As of January 1, we are done with all "investments" for a while and I'll hopefully remember to post a couple pictures!

This weekend we celebrated the life of our friend's mother who passed away from a brain tumor. This past Christmas she went down to Jacksonville to visit her daughter and son-in-law for the holiday and mentioned she had a headache. When she began acting out of character, they took her to the hospital and they found out she had a stage 4 brain tumor. She lost her battle to the tumor a few weeks ago. It puts a unique perspective on life when someone you care about loses a family member. How quickly life as you know it can change: last Christmas she had a headache, this Christmas she's already gone. While my heart aches for this family, the time we spent celebrating Ellen's life made me realize I need to keep careful perspective on what I give my time and energy to.

In the last two months we've had two infertility treatment cycles that were close but no cigar. The "highs" as I hoped this time would finally be the time and the final "low" of having to accept the fact that it wasn't has just left me emotionally exhausted. We have spent so much time, emotional energy, financial investment, and hope on this process. I've found myself getting lost in it. I feel like I'm losing myself, I'm losing my joy...and it's such an unhealthy cycle I've found myself in. I didn't mean to get here and I've tried to be positive and joyful despite circumstances but these last two months just really took it out of me this time. I finally looked at DW last night in the car and said, "I just can't do this again." He listened as I told him that it wasn't just my emotions that couldn't do it...my body is tired as well. The medicine(s) have jerked me from one end of the universe to the other within hours, minutes even, my weight is steadily climbing, my energy levels have dropped. More than all that, I feel like we could use some well-deserved "time off" from the ritual and burden of infertility. Our marriage deserves better than this. It deserves some babying. I've spent so many emotions on this and it hasn't changed one thing. When I finished my thoughts, DW entered in his own two cents but at the end of it all, he quietly said, "I completely agree" and we decided together that the best things we could do for ourselves is to take the next 6 months off from this (seemingly) impossible journey.

It's not so much that I/we can't do it anymore, it's that we won't until we (both) feel fully restored and we figure out what God wants us to do before He grants us the go-ahead. Instead of asking myself, why not now and why not me, I'm going to take a step back and try to use this time to recover and to figure out how the next six months of this new year and new beginning can be used to find myself living in a renewed joy, hope, peace, and happiness. And for each of you, I wish all of these things as well...whatever your current heartache or circumstance may be. Praying for you, sisters.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!