Things To Be Thankful For...

One HUGE things I'm thankful for...my parents are coming today for the Thanksgiving holiday and I'm so excited to see them! That said, I'm also very nervous because DW and I are blending family for the first time ever. It may sound strange but we have been married for (almost) four years and our families have never met! HA! He's from Alabama, my parents live in Texas...and we eloped so there was no opportunity at a wedding for them to meet...so this is the first time on Thursday. Crossing my fingers that it goes extremely well! I don't know why it wouldn't!

Quite honestly, I feel a little strange about posting since it's been so long. I'm not sure where to start or what to say, so I just haven't. There is so much I need to catch up on that it's hard to know what to put in and what to leave out. (Dad, I guess I just need to publicly apologize for ruining your coffee and blog time...thank you for letting me know you missed it!)

This season of my life has been one of the best and the hardest...all at the same time. I'm doing what I absolutely love and working hard to build our company. I'm incredibly blessed to have a job that allows me so much freedom. On the other hand, starting a business is HARD! I never had any idea how much work goes into running your own business and how much pressure there is because everything falls back on you...then again, that just makes it that much more motivating to do everything you can to succeed!

In late October I took a drug that my body didn't respond to at all according to an ultrasound. We were reminded again that IVF was our last hope since my body hasnt responded to anything and so I told my mom, friends, etc...that we were done with this process. IVF is not an option we can consider at this time.

Right around the time all of this went down, we were studying Ruth in our small group and I began to study Ruth on my own more deeply, then moved on to 1 Samual, the story of Hannah, and then to Rachel...women in the Bible who God restored when it seemed all hope was gone. I began praying He would "enable" my womb like he did Ruth in 4:13. As I read Hannah's story, my heart was really convicted when Hannah's husband said to her, "Hannah, why do you weep and why do you not eat and why is your heart sad? Am I not better to you than ten sons?" (1 Samuel 1:8) Because of that passage, I also began to ask God (over and over) to help me to remember that my life with DW is "better than 10 sons". I truly believe that...but it's hard not to get caught up in the desire to have our family grow. Finally, I've also been asking God to "remember me" as Rachel (the wife of Jacob) prayed.

Shortly after that, I noticed some pain in my ovaries and went in to the doctor where we found that, less than a week after being told we had no reason to believe we could have children without IVF, my body decided to produce a follicle large enough to release an egg. (For those of you that don't know, with PCOS, you have a ton of follicles, but none large enough to know how to do it's job). The doctor triggered me with medicine (Ovidrel) to ovulate and we did have a chemical pregnancy. It was a sad day when I started my cycle this past Friday morning but it's still progress. I find myself having to focus on the fact that even though I was told there was nothing else medically that could be done short of IVF, God chose to "enable" me to get pregnant, even if only briefly.

Part of me, during the two weeks I had to wait to find out if I was pregnant, struggled with two very different emotions. One part of me was estatic to know that God heard my prayers and was willing to give me a sign to continue to have hope. That He loves me enough to remind me that He is more powerful than any medicine or doctor or nay-saying about what my body can't do is amazing to me. The other part of me struggles with the fleshly side of myself that asks Him, "If you are powerful enough to do what you just did...if you are powerful enough to give me hope to trust you...then why do you make me continue this journey filled with longing and heartache?"

I know that God can handle my honesty and my heartache. I also know that He knows that deep down, I trust Him more than anything in this entire world. I trust Him when I can't see the why or the when or the if ever. I know He is that powerful and I continue to ask Him to be a part of a miracle He performs with my body, but even if He doesn't, I trust him...and I'm thankful.

I'm thankful that God has given me a spirit of hope during a time when all could feel lost. I'm thankful for life with DW, which is better than 10 sons, and I'm thankful that God allows me to be real and honest with Him about where I'm at in this journey each and every day.

Lord, you are good and what you do is good...help my faith arise!