Faithful and Good...

It's been a while...and I guess the only way to explain it is that I've just kinda needed some "time away" to process and grow and learn. A lot of my focus has been on getting FitLab off the ground and I know ya'll don't want to hear about that every day. And when I'm not thinking about that, I feel like I'd likely bore you with talk of my struggles with infertility because it's been on my mind and heart a lot lately.

Infertility is "fluid" - and by that I mean that its an ever-changing dynamic. It looks different every day...some days I feel strong and feel like my perspective is right, some days not so much. The one thing I've found that I'm having to address is this over-arching sense of guilt that I'm feeling...like even if I could get past this sense of loss I feel for my own hopes and dreams...I still struggle with the reality that its my body and my illness that is putting the dreams of others on hold, possibly indefinitely. I can't help but feel sad for DW, who would be a phenomenal dad...just seeing him playing with our friend's children or nephews makes my heart ache for his loss in this. There have been times where I almost believe that his life would have been better if he hadn't chosen me. And my then there is my sweet Mom who I know longs to be grandmother...this dream of hers on hold as well. It's not just me who is affected and that's a little hard to live with at times.

I write all of this for a couple of reasons: one, because it's where my head is at. Two, not because I want anyone to feel sorry for me, but because I need to set the "scene" for what I'm about to share. Last week, I called Dusty from Dallas, with a combination of guilt and grief. I found out - in one week - that four of our couple friends were pregnant...and while I swear I'm joyful for them, it always brings to the surface my carefully controlled feelings of loss and sorrow for our situation. Four pregnancies was just a lot to take in at once and I needed a lot of DW's support at that moment.

When DW picked me up from the airport, I was still working through all of the emotions, even days later but had quit talking about it. Well, knowing me and knowing that I still needed his love and affirmation that things would be alright, DW cooked me an incredible dinner and left a card by my plate. On the front, it said, "My love..." and when I opened it and read the following words, I realized just how faithful and good my God is to give me this man. I still can't read it without crying and I will treasure it always:

Hey Bud:

I'm so glad you are home with me! I really missed you extra bad this time. I wanted to get you this card to remind you that I am your teammate on this journey that God has us on. I know this was a rough weekend after hearing that four other couples are pregnant. I want to make sure that you remember that I am right here beside you for every tear, every smile, and all of the steps along the way. I never truly know how painful this time has been for you, but I hope that you feel that you've always had a shoulder to cry on. I don't know what the end of this story will look like, but I know it ends with a happy, loving family. It may be a family of four or a family of two, but I am happy whatever His plan may be! I love you so much and I don't want you to ever feel like you are disappointing me as the months pass with no pregnancy. I married you to live my life with YOU whatever that looks like! There are HUGE reasons that God put us together and I can't wait to see His plans unravel.

Love you, Bud!

Fo-eva,

DW