November 17, 2008 - a peek into Amy's journal...
Have you ever felt like you are standing still and everything and everyone in life is just flying by you on all sides...bumping into you, pushing past you...and you're just there? I titled this "All Alone in a Crowded Room" because that's what infertility feels like.
Maybe you've experienced that emotion when you lost a parent or experienced a tragedy that people think they understand but really can't because they've never experienced it? Or maybe you went through something like a break-up or divorce - some huge life change - and then felt like every one's life went on around you while yours came to a screeching, emotionally-debilitating halt?
The only way I can explain it is that it's like being the lead actress in a play and when you can't go "on" for one reason or another, the understudy just takes over and life continues without you, leaving you to wonder if you ever really even mattered. Were you ever really needed in the first place? I haven't felt that feeling in years - since I met Dusty, really - because he lets me know that I do, in fact, matter very much. Lately these feelings I just described have been coming back in full force as I struggle through the heartache of infertility.
Just to give a little background, I found out when I was 16 years old that I have PCOS. Although I don't have a lot of the external symptoms typical of this disease, I definitely have the disease. I never, ever have cycles on my own unless I force them with medication. I haven't used any form of birth control throughout my three years of marriage to DW because we knew that getting pregnant would be a miracle, so we just didn't bother. And after trying several rounds of increasing doses of a fertility pill (Clomid) and experiencing unexplained pelvic pain, I consulted a fertility specialist when we moved to Atlanta earlier this year.
He told me that he wasn't surprised that I didn't ovulate on Clomid and that due to the severity of my PCOS, he wouldn't advise for us to take "injectibles" either. Taking fertility injections would only lead to multiples...not one, not two...but five, six, seven...or more. It would be risky for both myself and for the babies I would be carrying. And if I were to get pregnant? PCOS leaves me with a heightened risk for miscarriage, not to mention the risk of losing my babies if I were to get pregnant with multiples due to the injections. He suggested I go straight to IVF or move straight to adoption.
I left that appointment absolutely devastated. I've wanted to be a mom my whole entire life. And to hear that IVF might be my only option for having children of my own was earth-shattering. For those of you who don't know, IVF is like buying a small car. Or putting $15K down on one hand of Blackjack and hoping and praying that you "win". By saying it's like Blackjack...I just meant that there is not a guarantee (unfortunately) for those of us who want children so badly. For those that can afford it, its a great option...but financially DW and I just can't do that at this point in our lives and where we are financially.
I've prayed for God to make "right" what is "wrong" with my body. I've prayed for God to give me peace with the (infertility) hand I have been dealt. I've asked that He show me what His purpose is in this. And mostly, I've begged that He give me the strength to honor my marriage by enjoying every moment I'm given with DW, children or not. I realized a long time ago that children are not what define us as a family...they are a welcome addition to the family we've already got.
So again, back to the title of the post: All Alone In a Crowded Room. When you struggle with infertility, life goes on around you. In a way, without you. You become the couple in the group that doesn't have children. People ask...people you know and people you don't even know...and you plaster a smile on your face and say, "Nope, we don't have any children." Some days, when you are feeling especially strong and hopeful, you might even add, "Yet." Sometimes, when you don't feel like explaining - you might say something about how you aren't "there" yet... Truthfully, you really don't know what to say.
Then there are the moments when a friend, a family member, someone at work tells you their news. You are happy for them...because human life is valuable. Their joy is wonderful and completely appropriate. You are so grateful that they don't know what you know....and you wouldn't wish this on your worst enemy. But what these people who can get pregnant don't or might not realize is that you're living in this perpetual state of wondering...of feeling like there is something wrong with you. Am I not eating right? Exercising enough? Do have an unresolved sin in my life and I'm being punished for something? (Side note: I don't believe that lie for one second. Have I thought it? Yes.) Does God have a different plan in mind for me - like adoption - but He forgot to take this desire, this hope, this heartache inside of me for my own children away? Did I miss that memo?
It breaks your heart when someone in your inner circle who is pregnant or has a child suggests or tries to console you with, "Well, maybe God wants you to adopt. You'll be an amazing parent to a child that wouldn't have a chance otherwise?" Side note: I realize this is never suggested to be hurtful...only out of ignorance because they haven't struggled with the months and years of trying to conceive. They don't know and you don't want them to...
So now that I've explained just a fraction of what it feels like, let me also say this...if I could have one wish, it would be that no woman would ever struggle with infertility. It's devastating. I feel like I can honestly say that I'm a pretty strong person. I take what comes and I duck or cover or take the punch...I do what I have to do. So why is it that this disease makes me feel as breakable as fine china? Like glass dropped on a concrete floor? The best way I can think to describe it, Lord, is that I feel like a cactus...tough on the outside, soft & vulnerable on the inside.
I don't have to be strong with you...
"But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. (Psalm 10:14)"
I'm losing heart, Lord...help me to see that which is eternal!
Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:16-18)
I don't understand your ways, God...
You are good and what You do is good; teach me your decrees. (Psalm 119:68)
All I can taste is the salt of my tears...
Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord; O Lord hear my voice. Let your ears be attentive to my cry for mercy. (Psalm 130:1-2)
Do you know me, Lord? Does my desire to be a mother matter to you?
O Lord, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all of my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O Lord. (Psalm 139: 1-4)
I know you know, Lord, I feel you here, comforting me. Please comfort the others that struggle with infertility and let them find safety and comfort in Your arms like I do.
You ordained all of my days before they came to be...
You alone make me strong...
You are my safest place...
Whom have I but you?
100 comments:
Thank you so much for your encouraging comment on my blog. I love your cardboard testimony post...and I sobbed through the video. This post regarding the struggle with infertility is also beautiful, and I love the scriptures at the end. Thank you so much for sharing your heart and your struggles.
Praying God's continued comfort, daily sufficient grace, and peace for you...
Kelly Gerken
http://sufficientgrace-kelly.blogspot.com
Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your story. It is all in HIS hands and know that HE already knows the plans HE has for you and your family. I can't say I know how you feel or comfort you in that way but I do know it's easy to forget HE listens to our prayers and I willl be sure to say one for your strength and faith.
I love reading your blog because it's so real and your positive attitude shines!
Hi sweet Amy,
Wow... I am just REALLY thinking God knew what He was doing when He let us "meet" through the Blogosphere. I too have PCOS (so does my sister, it apparently runs in families) and have been on BC pills for a decade to ensure I have cycles. We too are wanting to start a family and have not received what I would call positive feedback from my doctor. And I too know exactly what you mean by "all alone in a crowded room".
Thank you sharing your prayer to the Lord so I could pray along with you, for both of us. There is something SO powerful about mixing God's Word into prayer.
I am heading out to pack for vacay but I want to leave you with this prayer
Philemon 1:3-7
Grace to you and peace from God our Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. I always thank my God as I remember you in my prayers, because I hear about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints. I pray that you may be active in sharing your faith, so that you will have a full understanding of every good thing we have in Christ. Your love has given me great joy and encouragement, because you, brother [sister], have refreshed the hearts of the saints.
We should chat. I was just talking to Muffy about the very same thing.
Although I have a different disease, I was told when I was 16 I would probably never have my own children. I can't take birth control because it screws up my existing illness. We loosely use NFP right now, but if we got pregnant it would be nothing short of a miracle from God.
If you want to chat email me:
misadventuresofanewlywed@gmail.com.
My gosh, what an incredibly honest and raw post, I feel privileged to be allowed to read it! Thank you so much for sharing, for baring it all. I admire your strength and your unwavering faith and think that it is so unfair that someone as amazingly loving and sweet is incapable of being a mother. Because, there is no doubt in my mind that you would love them to death.
My prayers are with you and your husband as you continue to wrestle with this demon. I pray that you find faith in the darkness, strength in times of weakness, and love where there is emptiness. I pray that God has a wonderful plan for you and for all of the love you two ache to give.
I could never understand, unless I am in your shoes, but I sure do feel for you.
Amy - all I can say is that I will send up many prayers for you and DW. I have no idea what it feels like to be in your position. My husband and I aren't ready for a child yet, but I continually pray that when we are God will bless us. I have to remember that I can't just assume it will happen to me. Anyway, I see God already speaking to you through His scriptures,and I pray that he continually wrap His arms around you.
Thank you so much for being so honest. My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for 8 months and have been through multiple dr. visits and surgery. I am know on Femara which is just like Clomid. I don't have PCOS but I did have enometroisis removed in September. I am praying for you and your husband. God didn't give us this strong desire for children of our own unless he inteded to bless us with them. It will just be in His time. Blogging has helped me connect with so many amazing women that are in the same struggle and I know we will all have our own praise reports soon.
I can't even say how I found your blog but I can say I cried tears that fell on my keyboard as I read your post. I so know your pain and I wish I could tell you my whole story but I don't want totake up your comment section. All I can say is I took the blackjack gamble after six years. I will be praying for you.
annagregg@msn.com
Can I just say...I have the shirt. Been there, done that! You described infertility better than most. Yes, I was lucky and was able to conceive twice, and I have a beautiful daughter out of it and one child in heaven. Not only did I deal with this round #1& #2. I feel selfish, I feel horrible, I feel needy. You're not alone in this battle. We think we are going down the road less traveled; however, its sad to say that it's traveled often...nobody talks candidly about it. I know a great group of girls out there if you'd like to join the group. In no way is this advertising it's just sharing an awesome forum community where you'll know you're not alone. www dot fertilichat dot com.
Thank you for sharing this. I can only imagine how helpless and unfair it must feel to be in your situation. I, unfortunately, think I will be going down the same road when I reach that point in my (and hopefully Country's) life. It's almost comforting to read someone else write about things you've been thinking and fearing in your own future. I hope and pray that a miracle happens for you and Dusty...you are two very deserving people with a beautiful marriage.
I just want to tell you I'm sorry you are going through this...and thank you for such a "beautiful" post (even though that doesn't sound quite right given the topic). However, your faith through this journey is a beautiful thing and it is obvious you've touched so many others.
Hang in there and you and all those going through similiar situations are in my thoughts and prayers.
*HUGS* My heart aches for you. I feel guilty when I hear stories such as yours...b/c i'm alone in a different room. Out of all my friends, i'm the only one with three kids, not finished with school and from the looks of it, it will be quite longer until I can even get to it. I wanted to become a doctor...a pharmacist actually...and I was on the track with the rest of them when I became pregnant. It took me three years to get back into school and then almost two years later I was pregnant again. A year later I found out I was pregnant again and I cried...not because I didn't want these blessings we call children, but I had wanted to become something you know? Out of the bunch of us that started out on the Dr. track, i'm one of the few who isn't an MD right now and I feel like i'm not good enough to do something. I wanted to make a difference in the world...cure cancer..something. But instead i'm a momma to three beautiful and inquisitive children. I don't regret having them b/c they were concieved out of love, but I wish that I can be something outside of wife and mother. I know this all sounds pretty selfish of me, but this is the room i'm alone in. I know i'm not alone, but it still hurts all the same. I really really hope you get to experience the joys of motherhood...IVF or adoption or by God's grace by suprise...it's a great feeling. And being married to an adopted child, there is nothing more gratifying than loving someone elses child...a child that no one wanted and you stepped in and became their hero. My hubby's adoptive parents didn't know they were going to have a child until 4 days before he was born...his brother was adopted 5 years earlier and the adoption agency that handled that adoption called them looking for a good home for this unwanted baby. 29 years later, that unwanted adopted baby has been to Iraq and back twice, has been married for almost 10 years to the love of his life and has three beautiful kids. There is a plan for everyone in this world...it's hard for us to understand that because we are mearly a small being in a big world. I know God has plans for you...great plans! ♥
A, I am so very sorry that you & D are having to go through this struggle. Although i don't know what it's like to go through this particular struggle, i do know what it's like to have a deep desire for something in my life and having it seem like it will never happen. i question sometimes if the desire was truly from God in the first place or if it's just something to move my focus... what is my focus? have you ever seen the movie FACING THE GIANTS? if you haven't you should. go rent it now and save money this weekend by staying in to watch it!!! i am praying for you. and i'm not just saying that...
My best friend has been struggling with infertility. Last month, after 30 MONTHS of negative tests, she found out she was pregnant with the help of infertility drugs and an IUI. While I don't personally know what you're going through, I saw her heart break for 30 months straight.
It takes a very strong woman to go through what you're dealing with. Keep your faith and know that God has a plan for you and your husband - it just may not be the plan you have in mind.
(As a side note, many larger companies cover fertility treatments if switching jobs is an option for you down the road.)
Oh Amy....I am weeping for you right now. I don't really know why your post struck such a chord with me.
As everyone in our "circle" began to get married, even inthose newlywed days, I prayed that none of us would suffer infertility. And though two of our group have suffered m/c (me leading the pack -- hoorah! =(), we have all gone on to have at least one biological child.
But I stand here at my kitchen counter tonight -- even my chairs are all packed up! (smile!) -- I can't help but have my heart break just a little, because you, my friend, have had to suffer that which I asked the Lord to spare of those dear to me. And you have become just that -- so very dear.
Amy, I know I'm rambling. Please just know that I will continue to pray God's blessing on you fervently, and I will ask that He grant this desire of your heart.
Much love and prayers from Ohio, M
You are an ecouragement. My heart breaks for your situation but I know God has a plan for you and DW (bigger than you and I can imagine). I'm praying for you- I actually prayed for you last night with my husband. Our couple's devotional was about inferitility last night...I can't wait to see what God does in your life!
Amy, I am so sorry to hear about your's and DW's struggle, but I am glad that you are able to express those feelings here for others to read and share. I am sure there are others that will find your blog and share your feelings and feel they are alone in that same crowded room. The good thing is that eventually your eyes will meet and maybe you can find that support system you need. You are entitled to that anger and even that resentful feeling...eventually you will find your way and your answers. Until then, you have many thoughts and many prayers with you and DW.
Amy, I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you and DW. You are such a sweet and kind person (it shows through the words that you type) and I know that one day you will make an amazing mother. I will be looking forward to the post where you announce your pregnancy! I will keep you and DW in my prayers. Love, Kari
Absolutely beautifully written.
That is so painful to read, Amy, but I just pray God will give you the desires of your heart!!!!
Oh Amy...tears are just streaming down my face. Thank you so, so, so much for writing this. You put words to feelings I have never been able to properly describe...
I am just so heartbroken for you... for all of us who long for our arms to no longer be empty. It is a horrible, wretched feeling.
If it helps at all- you are not alone in that room. I stand right there next to you -in the haze- as do so many other women.
I do not know why God has allowed this in your life, but I DO know (just as you do!) the He loves you. He longs to be gracious to you (Isaiah 30:18).
You are on my heart, and in my prayers my friend.
I know that we serve a God of miracles. Nothing, but NOTHING, is impossible with Him.
Thank you for letting us have a peak into your journal.
Blessings (and hugs!!)
kendra
Amy - Just from reading your blog I know what a wonderfully faithful person you are. I have never experienced what you are going through, although I do understand the "alone in a crowded room" feeling.
It is so encouraging to see how much you are trusting God with this situation. Just remember that He has a purpose in everything, and that He is working this situation for good and for His glory. I'll be keeping you and DW in my prayers.
Praise the Lord for His faithfulness and for being our creator, redeemer and friend.
Amy,
I can't pretend to know your pain and I know that nothing I say would be particularly comforting. I am praying for you and DW daily, and I feel like now I know how to pray a little more specifically. Even in your pain you are an encouragement to so many, including me. Thank you for sharing!
Amy - I have kept you in my prayers often as I knew you were having infertility issues, just not to this detail. I am crying for you tonight and I am grateful for this post.
Remember that HE only gives you what you can handle WITH HIM! If there is anyone I have ever met (well not really, but you know) that is WITH HIM, it would be you. You are walking this painful path with Him and with soooo many women praying for you along the way.
We are studying the book of Jeramiah right now in our small group right now and Sunday night we studied this scripture that I think is fitting for you right now:
Jeramiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Praying for you, Friend!
Thank you for sharing... I knew you struggled with it, but didn't know to what extent. I just wanted to let you know I am praying for you. I hope God blesses you with a miracle!
Amy-
You are such a good and faithful servant to our Lord. My heart breaks that your prayers have not been answered yet. God is good. He will answer your prayers, but it might not be in a way you expected...it will be better. If there is one thing I have learned in my walk with Christ, it's that he always has a plan that is far better than mine. You are in my prayers.
I never experienced this and I could not even begin to imagine what you must be feeling, but know that someone in FL is praying for you and Dusty. I never thought about how much of a blessing it is to be able to have a child. I mean I know my children are blessings, but I never thought about not being able to have a baby. My mom,sisters,grandmother, none of us ever had any trouble, so that is all I ever knew. You really gave me something to thank God for daily. My ability to have these 4 precious daughters. You will have your day! Just look at Scott and Kelly! God is good.
Thank you for sharing this. Everyday I pray for you. "Please Lord bless my friend Amy. Give her the child that would be so beautiful for her and Dusty. Give them this miracle, please." This absolutely breaks my heart for you. I am tearing up now just wishing, hoping, praying that.
Did you get my email this weekend? It has been really random lately, for some reason. I haven't been receiving correctly. (Mine is halljk3 at yahoo dot com.)
Amy, I have no words that would ever be sufficient enough after such an amazing post. But know that I am among the MANY people praying for you!
Amy, I know we have talked briefly about this back when you started the P-List.. I have to say that I thought I was going to be in the same boat with you when I was going through those tests. Theres a part of me that feels guilty b/c I feel like I have been insensitive thru what you are going thru.. I have continually prayed for you! I learned today that a co-workers wife was in labor today.. They tried for 6 years and the dr told them it would be impossible for them to ever conceive. Nothing is impossible with God. I also have a friend that just announced that they are expecting, her husband had testicular cancer and that it was 99% impossible for them toe ver have a child... Once again.. impossible to God, nope! What if you put something on your blog to raise money? I will be the first to contribute! I have prayed a way for God to use our tithes and I feel that this would be an awesome way!
I love you in Christ Amy, and I pray that God answers your prayers!!
praying for you daily.
Wow Amy, I am so sorry. I have been thinking about you a lot lately and you have definitely been in my prayers. You are such an amazingly strong person. I don't know how one is able to deal with something like this. You are such a faithful person and that fact that you have kept your strong faith during such a struggle really shows how you have kept God #1 in your life.
My thoughts and prayers will continue to be with you.
Thank you for posting this Amy. As you know, I'm going through the same thing and what you wrote is exactly how I feel. I pray for you daily. It WILL happen for us, one way or another. God wouldn't have put such a strong desire in our hearts if He wasn't going to bless us. I have to remind myself of that often.
Thank you Amy. Your beautifully written words sum up exactly how I feel as well. You are not alone, I am standing in the room with you =)
Praying and pleading for God's miracle working power in our lives!
Hugs,
Faith
I love you, my sweet friend. I know. And I'm praying.
Thank you for sharing this post. I appreciate it in ways I can't share, but it gives a deeper perspective to things that are taken for granted. I thank God for your testimony and willingness to share.
Oh Amy - this just breaks my heart for you. I can't even imagine how hard this must be for you. I have to tell you - it was amazing reading your scriptures because I have totally been struggling with my life right now, and you've managed to completely inspire me and have reminded me that God is always in control. Hang in there - sending more prayers and hugs your way!
Amy, Thank you for being so honest and sharing your heart. I pray for a miracle in you and your husband's life.
I too am in that room with you...you are not alone. I just wanted to cry as I read each of your words...I am experiencing the SAME exact life...and it truly is painful, degrading, testing, and just plain tiring.
I got up this morning and read this verse...it's an old one, but a good one...
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will direct your paths.
I have read this scripture over and over...it does NOT say He will give us a baby, it does NOT say He will help us get pregnant, but it DOES say he will direct our paths. This is something so hard for me to swallow, but this is a journey He has planned for a REASON.
Know that I'm here for you, love you, pray for you, and complete understand your hurt.
Praying for you extra more today :)
I will be praying for you and your husband. You are right there are NO WORDS to describe your feelings over this. I work with a darling girl who has been going through this for 3 years now and it breaks my heart.. God has a plan for all of us, I believe in it.. God Bless
Wow. There are no words I can say. Telling you God has a plan doesn't make it any easier, telling you stories of others with similar situations doesn't make a baby come. All I can say is that you are in my prayers. Although I can't completely understand, I stand with you on the promise that God has something for you. :)
Amy,
Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. The infertility journey is not easy. However, it CAN happen. Just 5 years ago, my husband and I were faced with this... Last year at this time, I was on bedrest with our beautiful IVF miracles. I know tha tI have shared this same thing with Lianna. What do you and your husband do for a living? SIRM offers a teacher, medical and military disount plan for IVF. They also have cycle plans where if it does not work, you get your money back! Just a throught....
My husband and I LOVE Dr. Peter Ahlering of SIRM, St. Louis!
Thinking of you and hoping that God will grant you a baby of your dreams very soon. I am here to talk!
Amy~
Let me start by saying that I have been there. Actually in your exact shoes but add endrometriosis to it.
I did clomid, had 2 miscarriages, then had a healthy baby boy almost 18 yrs ago. 7 years later wanted another baby, tried IUI and clomid. Didn't work. We decided to use ALL our money and try IVF, and didn't get past the half way point of that. After that didn't work we gave up. Well 1 yr later I was PG with my son Jaden. Yep, all without doing anything (other than the obvious, ha). IT CAN WORK. I had stage 5 endrometriosis and my husbands little swimmers were not too great either so we had a double wammy!
DO NOT give up. Maybe get a 2nd opinion.
You've seen my blog, those are my boys that I was told I would never have.
I'm praying for you because I know it is a very very lonely road and heartache.
Amy ~ I wish I had words that could take your pain away, but the reality of it is, I don't. Please just know that I am praying for you and DW. I pray God will grant you the desires of your heart.
I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but it looks to me like you're on the right path. Trust in God, put all the faith you've got into your marriage, and remind yourself daily that God has a plan for you and Dusty. Dealing with the unknown is so much more than just challenging. It's hard to move your focus to things outside of what you want to focus on. It sounds like you and Dusty have so much love between you. Envelope yourself with that love and try to trust that God's plan will unfold before you both before you know it. I'm sorry that you are struggling this way, and I sincerely hope that all your dreams come true, my friend.
This post is amazing. I am right there with you sister. J and I are also in your boat. I will be praying for you. The questions in your post are real, you hit the nail on the head.
Thank you for opening your heart like that! Sometimes we don't understand why we are going through what we are going through; believe me I am asking myself those questions as I type this but it's bigger than we can imagine. I know he has big plans for you and hubby! Just follow it!
You have been on my mind all morning long. I just wanted you to know that I am praying for your precious self! Sending lots of love your way! ;)
I'm so sorry. Thank you for sharing these difficult feelings. I've watched friends go through both sides of this - surprise pregnancies and infertility issues - but I've not seen it described before in such an eloquent manner. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
You have no idea how I needed this whole post!!! I literally sat in my bed room - locked the door so hubs couldnt get in - & cried for 6 hrs straight.... everyone around me is having babies - even my dearest friend & while I'm THRILLED for her - the pain of my life with no child of my own has been heartbreaking - the straw broke the camel's back yesterday - hence the cry-a-thon! You are not alone. Your words have touched me - you have no idea - the scripture is perfect....
God has a plan for us!!!
I am praying for you and anyone else going through this. I can't even imagine. I did not realize how many women struggle with this. It truly is in God's hands. James and I are going to start trying in January and I often wonder or fear that something like this could happen to us. I feel that I am healthy though and feel that I shouldn't have any problems but you just never know what is in store for you. I will be praying for you and DW and hope that your prayers will be answered.
you're in my thoughts, beautiful lady.
You are an amazing and strong woman. You are in my prayers everyday.
Im so sorry Amy. I have no words or wisdom, but I am praying for you.
Thank you for that amazing post. I know that there are others out there who are going through the same thing and I know that this post will help them feel not so alone.
I know what it feels like to feel all alone and like other's lives are moving forward and yours is stuck - although I haven't dealt with situation such as this, I have dealt with another life changing situation and felt alone and stuck.
The only words of comfort I have is to let you know that I DO pray for you and DW every night. Seriously, ya'll are always in my prayers. You're such an amazing woman and I wish there were more people out there that are like you. Even though I've never met you physically, I know that you're a great person and so deserving of all things great.
Even though I don't have any answers, I'd like to say hang in there. You're not alone and by no means should you feel that way. I don't know God's plan, but I know He has one. One day, you'll feel whole again and unstuck. :) Always in my prayers.
Amy, this brought tears to my eyes.
Amy, I have been writing and re-writing my comment since you posted this yesterday.
All I can say is that your faith is amazing and you are in my prayers!!!
Amy, you and I walk the same road. Not wanting to lose hope, yet losing hope as it happens all around us. Knowing that if it does happen, it's truly a miracle for our bodies.
It's hard to know what to say when people try to comfort or give you encouragement. There really are no words to say you know? Being a mother is part of being a woman. Not becoming a mother because our bodies are sick makes me feel less feminine, less of a woman. I don't know if there really is a right thing to say to that. For me, I know I have to stay alive to my pain, because once I go numb, I do so much damage to myself and my identity in Christ.
It's a hard road. One that you don't walk alone. But that doesn't really make walking that road any easier.
I love your heart sweet Amy. Your vulnerability, loveliness and inviting spirit makes you one of the most incredible women I've had the honor of knowing.
Amy, I have no idea what your struggle feels like and I cannot pretend to know, all I can say is that I and many others are praying for you. I have made several friends in this blog world who are struggling to get pregnant and my heart just breaks for each one. Thank you so much for sharing this, I know that words help many others.
I one of the ones that would say say,"hang in there, God answers prayers" but would be of little comfort from the girl that had 4single briths in 6years.(1 while even on the pill.)My heart breaks for you and DW for reasons I could never imagine. Thanks for sharing.
Wow I am sitting here in tears. That last part just really got me. I am hurting for you and I don't even know you. I am so sorry that you are hurting and I am praying for you. Thank you for sharing this, I am sure it has helped others that struggle with this as well.
I wish I had words that could give you comfort! I also wish that I could put my arms around you instead of leaving a message on your blog! You prayed for me on the days that I was to weak to myself...know that I am doing the same for you!
My heart breaks for you sweetheart, I can literally feel the pain in your words. My father passed away and I can relate to the title of this entry. My sister, my best friend, struggled with getting pregnant for years while my sister-in-law got pregnant just thinking about babies. It's all very hurtful yet joyful, a lesson learned and a hard lesson to learn, a celebration and mourning...all at the same time.
There are no words that genuinely help, I know that, but know that you are in my prayers.
~hugs
Thank you so much for sharing amy. Please know that I will be praying for you and keeping you close to my thoughts! I am always here for you if you need anything.. I know I may not always understand how it feels but I know we are all hear to listen and be good friends when you need them.
This broke my heart! I have never met you, but I am hurt for you. I am so sorry that you feel so alone. I don't understand what you are going through but know that I am praying! And the fact that you have such strong faith will help you through this!
I am so sorry to hear about your struggles! I love and live by the quote, "be nice to everyone because their fighting a battle that you have no clue about." Thanks for sharing your battle with us and we will keep you in our prayers!
Well, I'm a day late (and a dollar short, for what its worth :)) in reading this post.
Oh, Amy, my heart is breaking for you. I know there's nothing I can say to soften the hurt of infertility and the longing to hold your baby in your arms. I have two close friends who are dealing with the same thing, and as a friend I can say there's nothing I would like more than to be able to be in that room with you, but I know it just isn't the same. I have poured my heart out to God for both of them and have cried so many tears on their behalf. So, please know that I am standing right outside that door - with my palms to heaven - praying on your behalf too. You are a blessing to me!
I'll also be praying for you, your dad, and your PapaBear today. You are sheltered in His arms.
My husband and I have been struggling with infertility for almost 2 years. I have one ovary and one fallopian tube- each on opposite sides- so IVF is our only option- we just tried our first round of IVF- it did not work! We are preparing for our second round! I know what you are feeling for I have and am still feeling the say way! Just stay strong and keep the faith! That is all we can do! Trust in Him and Him alone!
Praying for you, for comfort and endurance to run this race!
What an amazing post... and boy do I know how you feel. And I honestly don't know how women suffering with infertility keep going without God... he's the only thing that gives me hope. Thanks so much for sharing this.
Amy-- I'm obviously way behind because I"m just now reading this. It was so moving to be able to read your deepest thoughts and be able to see what you pray for. This will help me pray for you, too. I am so sorry that you and DW are going through this. I don't know this pain, but I know that God will never give you more than you can handle. You are so strong and so inspiring. I will be more sensitive to your feelings when writing my posts. Your life is so precious and I know there are amazing things in store for you.
Amy and Dusty...my daughter-in-love, Lianna, forwarded your post from yesterday. It broke my heart...your story is all too common these days and I watch the same feelings, emotions, etc., day in and day out wishing there was something I could do to make things right. I can't possibly know the loneliness or isolation you feel but know I understand that it is there for you and others and am hoping God doesn't get overwhelmed by all the prayers and answers every single one of them...you ALL deserve it! And an extra prayer goes out for you today for your grandfather...Cathy
I have all the problems you described...PCOS, infertility, then triplets on Clomid which I lost at 22 weeks. I gave up and moved on to life without kids.....then nothing short of a miracle - my son came along. I had told my husband not to marry me because I couldn't have kids, so we never used any BC at all. Then came the most precious gift I've ever been given. We married after he was born because I was too nervous to test fate before he was born. He is seven now and perfect. So don't give up....there are many many happy endings out there to stories just like yours (mine for one!). I have not been able to have any more, but I'm ever blessed for the one I do have and never forget it for one second of one day.
I love your blog....I feel like youre one of my besties even though we will never meet.
God bless!!!
Amy~ your words sum up exactly how i feel. i want you to know that you are not alone. i am also standing in the room with you.
praying for your miracle!
You will be very much in my prayers. I have PCOS as well, have done the clomid, the injections...been married seven years and nothing :( It can get so discouraging at times, but you just have to keep the faith. Bonnie and I both have struggled with this our entire lives. It's devastating. God will provide a way for you...I just know this. It is especially hard when the questions come like "why don't you have kids yet?" "Gosh seven years and NO kids!" shock! But they just don't understand...and it's something that can bring you and your husband together because you lean on each other and you know they understand b/c they are in the midst of this battle with you! Women are made to be life givers, it's in our being. I believe if God puts that desire in your heart then He will fulfill it! Just believe that. PRAYING FOR YOU SWEET GIRL! Becky
wow...thank you for being so transparent...it gives those of us who aren't in the room with you a totally new (and much needed)perspective. i wish there were words i could say to ease the pain or make it all better...but instead, i will continue to pray for miracles on your behalf. praying for your PapaBear and the rest of your family...
I had to come comment. I am so sorry that this has happened to you. But then again you can always turn something like this into a blessing in disguise. I am not very good at wording things so bare with me here a moment. I am going to tell you somthing that I don't think I have repeated to anyone that doesn't know me personally.... I was a very young young stupid kid at one point in life. I had a child at the age of 18 and knew within my deep heart of hearts that I was to young and could never raise him. I gave him up for adoption. The hardest thing I think I will EVER have to go thru in my life. But I know he is with good christan people. Maybe just maybe this is your calling? Adoption can and is a wonderful thing for those that can't get pregnant. Personally I can't get pregnant anymore and while it breaks my heart as well I know there is a wonderful child out there who has no one and needs a family. And my partner and I do plan to adopt a child when we are ready and set. And while I can't understand personally what you are going thru becuz we are two different people and I will never pretend to know. Know that there is always someone to talk to if you need to in me :)
God has given you a sensitive and discerning heart. Thank you for sharing it with us! I think what makes blog friendships so special is that we get to know the insides and depths of people and the superficial stuff tends to get left out. I've seen your pics and know you are beautiful on the outside...but what I know even better than that is how beautiful you are on the inside! You are a woman after God's own heart. And I believe your faithfulness in posting so openly and honestly has already been used by Him to further His kingdom. I don't know what the end of this journey will look like for you (my prayers for a child of your own go up with thousands of others), but I know you are making good use of the "meantime." It reminds me of that cardboard testimony of the woman who was diagnosed with MS...her doctor was not saved, but came to Christ while caring for her...what was her response? "Worth it!" Like you said, the circumstances are not in our control, but our response to them is...blessings to you and DW for choosing faithfulness in the midst of pain and wondering. He is a just God. Love, prayers, and blessings to you...
Amy,
I was out of the blogging loop yesterday and I am just now reading this. Oh how I wish I had something amazing and uplifting to say, all I can say is that I know God loves you and has some sort of amazing plan for your life. I have so many friends who have dealt with infertility and it breaks my hurt to imagine what they are going through. Thank you so much for being so honest and open about your struggles. You are an amazing woman of God and I feel blessed win read your blog. I will be praying for both you and your Grandfather, I've been dealing with an ailing Grandma as well and God has blessed us with an unbelieveable recovery at this point. I will pray the same outcome comes to your family.
Thank you for writing this post. Its so hard to describe how it feels, but I think you did a beautiful job. I, too, have PCOS. I don't cycle on my own. I also have had 2 surgeries for endometriosis. I will be praying for you. I hold tightly to the story of Hannah. When I need to be uplifted, I read it. God Bless you and your husband. I will be praying for you.
Thank you, thank you for being so open and sharing. I too have been having diffulty getting pregnant, and it seems that life keeps throwing me obstacles. Your post helped remind me that God is in control.
I thank you so much for your post on infertility, I too suffer from PCOS. My husband and I have been blessed with one son who is 4, after many many procedures, visits to the dr, months of fertility treatments and then the most wonderful blessing from God!
Samuel 1:27 For this child I prayed and God granted us our request. We are now struggling with the same situations again, our hearts desire is for a 2nd child but we know that must be Gods will for us first, have Faith and not Fear. I pray for you and your husband, that your prayers will be answered. May God Bless You! Infertility is a tough roller coaster ride but like your post reminds me as well God is always in control.
Thank you!
~Jennifer
I keep your name on my P-List at work and pray for you daily. I'm extremely high risk and they don't know if my daughter's heart condition would happen again in another child and if I would go early again. I know how hard it is to feel alone in a crowded room. It sucks, but God still holds our hand so we are not alone.
Thanks for your comment. You're in my prayers too! I'll add you to my follow list so I can stay updated. The Lord is performing miracles! Have you seen the movie "Facing The Giants" I highly recommend it :~)
{praying for you}
♥
thanks so much for your comment on my blog! naturally, i peeked at yours because isn't that what we all do? Blog stalk?? :) this post touched my heart in so many ways. it is so hard to put into words what it is like to suffer from infertility. no one else understands it unless they have been through it. i feel a little bit guilty because we were finally blessed with our daughter...but we're selfish and we want more. we want more for her because she wants a brother and a sister. when you meet someone else (in person or in the blogging world) who suffers from infertility, you have an instant bond. i am glad he brought you into mine. i dont know what God has planned for you, but i will begin praying for you and your journey. i am also adding you to my list so i can keep up with you and continue praying for you. you have an incredible outlook on the entire situation. sharing your pain helps people to get a glimpse of what it is like, but not everyone can truly understand it. i will continue praying for you....thanks for this incredible post.
Amy,
This is an incredibly beautiful and heartfelt post...I feel like I could have written parts of it myself. I know all too well the way a heart aches when it longs for a child. God is so good to give all us who experience infertility to one another for encouragement.
We were also told that our only option was IVF (along with some other procedures that added to the cost). We also knew going in that God had not given us a peace to go forward with IVF if that is what the fertility specialist recommended.
Oh, I am so thankful that God in his wisdom knew how to provide for the desires of my heart better than I did! Did he have to change my heart and desires...ABSOLUTELY! But what an amazingly beautiful transformation it has been!
Continue to cry out to Him with your desires. Someone I really respect told me to pray for God to make His desires mine. This was the best advice because sometimes I just didn't know how to pray.
Praying for you!
Mandi
Sweet one, I have known EXACTLY how you feel. You summed it up so well. I am praying His perfect will on your life and that you will sweetly surrender to it.. just from this post, I can truly tell that He is molding you into something beautiful..... Press on, cling to the VINE and keep your face looking towards Him. I will be praying.
Amy, thank you for sharing this post. This is exactly how I am feeling! Everywhere I go I see happy pregnant ladies, and children galore. I am praying for peace, but it is so hard! I am currently doing my second round with Clomid. This post reminded me that I am NOT alone, and that there ARE other people out there going through what we are, feeling the same way. And most important of all, God is with us through all of it! Praying for you!
Thank you for putting into words what so many of us feel! I have tried to "be strong" and keep a strong face for so long. A few days ago, I gave up and started a blog. Something that I have kept SO private is now out in the open for anyone and their mammas to see. A little scary!! After the disappointment this month, I was so borken and angry. I never doubted that God has a plan or that He was with me...but it's hard to HEAR Him sometimes. I think that it's OK to be angry...but I know that ONLY He got/will get me through these times! Thanks again!
Faith mentioned this post on her blog...so glad I came over to read. I've felt the 'all alone in a crowded room' so many times...sometimes daily. Thank you for sharing your heart and for sharing the scripture God has given you. I needed it this week.
Oh I could have written every word of this last year. I didn't have PCOS - but none the less - I had all of the same feelings you are experiencing and it breaks my heart that you are feeling it now. You KNOW I'm praying for you and for God to do a miracle for you! What I found through the blog world - is you are NOT alone! Not even close. I'm thankful for your faith - lean on it.
oh my gosh...thanks so much for writing this...so much of it is how I feel too! Thanks for sharing your heart! I hope you dont mind if I add you to my blogroll...i have experienced four miscarriages and we are just starting to TTC again! I would love to get to know you more! April :0)
Amy, my heart aches and is broken for you and DW. We know what it's like to lose, we know what it's like to wait a little bit, but we don't know what it's like to wait so long and to have PCOS. I don't mean to sound like a weirdo, but I hope you know I love you girl and I am soo praying for you and for DW. Keeping "trying" girl, praying for a miracle! It could definitely happen! We had a friend who was told she could never have any kids, she is almost ready to deliver #5, we said she needs to send that original dr. 5 little pairs of booties.
Amy- I don't "know you" but I came over from Faith's blog to read this post. I relate so much to this...I think it may be the most accurate description of infertility I have ever read. My hubby and I just found out we are pregnant after 18 months of infertility, including Clomid. (Which is from satan, as far as I am concerned.) I have PCOS symptoms, and chronic migraines that are so terrible that I am in bed at least 10 days a month. I agree with you about everything you wrote- the aloneness, the pain, and how hard it is to deal with other's comments. I also agree- infertility is the WORST thing for a woman to go through...and yet look how many of us there are...WHY, LORD? I don't have the answer..but God has worked a miracle for us, and I am trusting He will do the same for you, and all our friends who are on this journey. I am adding your name specifically to my daily prayer list. Thank you for this post.
Wow Amy, I can't stop crying. This is exactly how I feel also. My husband has been saying the statement about "this is not what defines us as a family" for quite a while now. You described infertility perfectly and trying to smile behind so much pain and putting up with people's dumb comments and suggestions. My husband has wanted to tell people when they ask when we are going to have kids, "We don't know how!" I have also struggled with the questions about God and is He punishing me or is there something in my life I am doing wrong to not merit a baby in his eyes? But, the best part of this post and you sharing your heart (thank you so much) are the questions with the scriptures at the end. Those really ministered to me. Thank you for encouraging me and others with your transparent heart and longing. You are a blessing!
I am so sorry for the trouble you are having. My comment comes from an area that many don't get to know about, a birthmother's perspective. I have noticed through the comments that many people think of adoption from a very old school point of view. Young girl gets pregnant, panics and takes the 'easy' way out and abandons her child. These days, this is not the case...or at least it was not with me. When I got pregnant it was not the right time for me to be caring for a child. Could I have done it? Yes. But would it have been the best choice for that child? No. I had to make a choice, and that was exactly what it was - a choice, to give up my son in order to provide him with a life that he would not have had with me at that point in my life. It was the most difficult decision I have ever faced, but I do not regret it for a moment. The couple who adopted him are very similar to you and Dusty. They tried and tried and tried but just could not have a child. Meeting them and getting to know them really showed me that God does not always have THE "plan" we imagined, but it sure is a plan. When I looked in their eyes and saw who they were I knew that this was meant to be.
Adoption is not something you want to think about now and I completely understand that. But if that time were to come, have faith that you and Dusty are the exact people that HE has in mind for that child...no one else.
Thank you SO much for this post. I, too, have struggled with infertility (1 1/2 years) and recently had a similarly shocking conversation with my doctor when we found out that IVF was our only option, too. I have severe endometriosis and lost a fallopian tube in exploratory surgery when my dr. was "cleaning up" as much of it as he could. One tube was not salvageable. We were given 4 months on Clomid, but 3 are down with only this month to go & no pregnancy. We are currently praying for clear direction about whether to get a loan and move forward with IVF or whether to pursue adoption. I am praying for YOU right this moment and I am thankful for your openness and encouragement in this blog! I live in Atlanta, too-- have you found a fertility specialist that you like because I am about to be looking... Thanks!
Amy,
I found this post today through Ms. Florida Transplant. I don't think I've ever heard infertility explained as eloquently as you have here. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over two years now but I have yet to consult a fertility specialist because I am terrified to hear the bad news. I just keep reading and trying new things and wondering if there is something I am not doing right. But to hear official bad news seems worse than the wondering.
The worst part is that no one knows. I don't want to talk about it, not even to family. I don't want people feeling sorry for me. But that means we get the questions all the time. After five years of marriage and now that my husband is out of grad school, the questions come all the time. And I plaster on a smile and pretend this is a decision we've made rather than a cross we secretly bear. Recently I started this second blog, an anonymous one, to try to get some of it out. I am just so angry and frustrated and sad, I need to put that somewhere sometimes. I am normally a bubble happy person but this seems to have taken over my life, my thoughts, my entire inner being.
Your post helped me tremendously and gave me something to strive for. I know I can't allow this to make me bitter or cynical. I have written down the scriptures to remind myself daily of how I should be handling this.
Thank you for posting about this. Maybe some day I will be brave enough to be honest about it myself.
Thank you so much for sweet the encouragement you left on my blog. Also, thank you for speaking so honestly about infertility. You explained exactly how I feel at times, its a comfort knowing there are others out there feeling the same way! Wishing you the very best!
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