Humble Me...

I wanted to share this video/song by a friend of mine.  Donnie was on the trip to Australia with me and is a free-spirit in the best sense of the word, not to mention incredibly talented.  I am dying over these words and the easiness of the song.  Makes me wish for a hammock on a summer day.

Week 4

Well, it's Thursday and our 4th Foster Care prep class is this evening. To briefly update about that, I have successfully made it through classes 2 and 3 sans meltdown.  The information hasn't gotten any easier but the ability to process it has a bit. My heart is starting to open up a bit as I understand what the children we may be helping are struggling with and why they might act in certain ways.  It makes it much easier for me, as my heart opens up, to think about opening up my home.  But whether or not we take that leap...still processing.  Still walking forward very carefully and slowly.

In more light-hearted news, there is a tanning place next door to the gym that I train at and over a break, I went in there to talk to the lady about getting a spray tan.  I was having a extra pasty yuck day and lost my mind momentarily.  I can't do tanning beds as I lay there and think about cancer eating me alive and imagine I'm in a coffin.  I always love people with gorgeous tans but the beds freak me out but spray tanning always seems like a good idea.  

Well, since I'm next door, the lady offered a free one and convinced me a "boost" in my color would look "just lovely".  Had she told me that it would look like I bathed in carrot juice, I would have politely declined the "boost".  That said, I love what "carrot" did for my eyes, if nothing else.  They look great in carrot.

DW and I had a guy he knew from Auburn, Michael, who is an incredible architect and owns Sharecraft Design + Build Co come by this week.  We wanted to get some drawings done of our house and then get some accurate pricing on our master expansion.  The cracks around our master bedroom window are growing and it's getting closer to time but we wanted to "see" what we have in mind and make sure we are both on the same page.  And really, for the sake of our marriage in general, this is a must do.  DW likes a plan he can count on and I like to dream and process.  We decided I could dream and process all I want with Michael within a certain budget we have set and once we put the "Final" stamp of approval on it, no more changes.  For his sanity.  lol

Anyway, after seeing pictures of various projects Michael had done, including this one he did with his former firm and Southern Living, I knew without a doubt he was our guy.  But it was this treehouse he did that made me fall in love.  It makes me want to just grab my sleeping bag and move right in! Ha!  Seriously, though, we are so putting one of these in our backyard one day! 

He's big on repurpose/reuse which I would say has become a "thing" of ours with this house.  He and his super cute wife live in an Urban area of Birmingham and are big healthy "food geeks" like us.  Except way cooler and way more serious about it.  They were recently photographed because of their backyard garden:

Impressive.  Oh, to be so awesome and "green".   I just realized this sounds like I kinda have a couple-crush and I just might.  I really just might.  haha!

Anyway, DW's college roommate, Paul, and his wife, Maren, are headed to visit this weekend and it's always a blast with these two and good eatin'. I'm so looking forward to it! 

Trail Blazing...

On Saturday, DW got up and made homemade gluten free biscuits and eggs and had a nice leisurely breakfast together before meeting up with Bob and Greta for a day of hiking at Oak Mountain State Park.  Since all four of us had made the trip down to Peavine Falls in our younger years, we decided to head down there to check it out.  We laughed at how many times one of us referred to "Well, 10 years ago when I was here..." 

It's slightly frightening that the last time I was at Peavine Falls was 16 years ago.  Where in the heck has the time gone? 

Bob & Greta

It wasn't long before we made it to the Falls and actually found that, due to the recent rain, there was a decent waterfall happening.  The guys and Greta crossed over to check it out while I took pics and waited ot head back down the trail. 

We hiked for another good hour or two before Bob made the call it was time to grab something to eat and then we called it a day.  I'm pretty sure DW & I spent the rest of the day on the couch watching Money Ball and relaxing but we'd definitely earned the lazy time! 

Yesterday was obviously the Superbowl and, while I didn't really care who won, I would have initally told you I was slightly in favor of the Patriots.  That said, I usually just root for the team that gets behind and has to work their way back for a win so by the end I'd swapped teams.  Commercials were "meh" and Madonna has the body of a 28 year old but is definitely starting to show her age in the her moves.  She's looking a little "stiff" these days. 

Lots of R&R this weekend... 

Playing With Fire...

Ugh.  You know when you get that feeling inside where you know you're supposed to do something and you don't want to - so you don't?  And then a little thing called your conscience - or what I believe is the Holy Spirit - goes to work inside of you and, no matter how you try to, you just. can't. shake. it?

UGH. UGH. UGH-UGH-UGH-UGH.  That (to the left) is not me just being dramatic.  Well, ok, it actually is but its what I'm really feeling and I am prone to being dramatic. 

This post is about playing with fire...making one little tiny decision that can snowball into something that will blaze up and destroy everything in its path.  I'm about to publicly share a story about myself that I wouldn't want anyone but my closest friends to know and I wouldn't even really want to share it with them. 

In order to tell this whole story, I must remind you of another detail about myself I posted about 4 years ago: I was married once before DW.  It's not a fact I'm hiding and, correct me if I'm wrong, but I try to remind you at least once a post that I'm a very imperfect person just doing my best.  Mistakes shall be made.  So, opinions about divorce to yourself, I beg of you.  You don't hear me "talk" about it on here strictly because my past doesn't have a place anywhere in my present.  This blog is a record of my life with DW and of the memories we make together.

That isn't the point of this post but its a necessary detail.  

On the last post I wrote about it, I didn't give the details of WHY because he (the ex) isn't here to defend himself and, let's face it, I could probably write it in a very persuasive way with the intention of you seeing it from my perspective.  And even if I wrote it in such a manner where you were to 100% fully take my side, I would know that I made my own mistakes, too, and nobody took the plane and crashed it down into the ground all by themselves. 

So as to not get focused on that part of it, let me assure you of something:  I didn't make the decision to leave lightly and I don't believe in divorce except under some very specific, biblical circumstances.  Even then, people are prone to make mistakes so I don't judge.  Personally, my belief about marriage is that you don't quit when things get hard or when the passion train loses steam.  I believe you make the decision to hammer down and work at marriage hard.  I believe you start throwing coals in the furnace somehow and relight the fire.  You get that train moving down the tracks again.

But let me expose an ugly, ugly moment of vulnerability in that "former life" in an effort to go where I think God is asking me to go.  I hope my mistake helps another avoid it.  Dear Lord, give me strength. 

Once upon a time, I had a boy who became my best friend and he showed me what being sincerely loved could feel like (as much as any two 17 year olds can). We laughed and dated and he gave me my first kiss - which was a nightmare that involved teeth bumping, by the way, but we practiced and got better at it.  Even though we struggled like any teen couple would with keeping our relationship pure, we did a pretty dang good job of it and, when that relationship ran its course, I moved into the next one shortly after. 

In college, I became a serial relationship person, never really learning to "be alone" or  be happy with myself.  I needed a boyfriend to give me value because, after all, if I have a significant other then....well...I must be significant.  Right?   

Fast forward to the present and, in retrospect, I can vividly see some things about myself that were "baby" struggles satan caught wind of and blew them up into full blown, adult-sized attacks, waging war against my life being excellent in anyway and, more than that, Christ centered.

Personally, and possibly my greatest struggle, at one time in my life, was with finding my value and worth in the attention and admiration of men.  Not even necessarily physically like looks...but as an athlete...or as an professional.  I didn't understand women really or feel particularly comfortable with them - so if I had plenty of guy friends or even better - a boyfriend - I must be doing alright.  I've also found my "value" in the words people say to me.  In general, praise in the form of words made/makes me happy.

Ironically, I have to face the fact I have valued words above all other forms of affirmation and I get "filled up" on them - a fact, that's even a little still true today although I'm so much better about appropriate levels of this word-love. I tend to appreciate Words more than Actions. Silly really, since Words can be offered with little heart whereas Actions come from a sacrifice on the part of someone else. Words require nothing except using the tongue whereas Action requires both a gift of time and of the heart. True love, I'm learning...is a verb. An ACTION word.

I struggle every day to learn to embrace Action over Words.  As in, do the Words match the Action?  If not, then the words shouldn't really count. The other important thing about Words I've learned is that my satisfaction is so incredibly temporary. It takes more and more of them to satisfy - and yet the satisfaction each time is so fleeting. I need more...and quick. It's like a drug of sorts.

It is a healthy mix of my hunger and desire for Words, and let's face it, my personal weakness that comprise the recipe for disaster.  Back in the day, when I found myself totally and completely unloved (he told me so) in my first marriage (no, that is not "the reason" it ended), I allowed myself to become emotionally involved with a co-worker.

I don't justify it.  I only tell you I was lonely and struggling with my "value" in life and "worthiness" to be loved and each time I saw the unspoken admiration in his eyes, I felt "fed". Each time we talked (platonically) and he complimented me and encouraged me and especially when he empathized with my struggles in my relationship - my "love" tank felt "full".  Pause: my first mistake was even letting him know my marriage was struggling. Play.

I found myself waking up in the morning and getting dressed, wondering if he'd notice me that day. I did a little extra check in the mirror to make sure my eyes looked good or whatnot. These type of behaviors were what I now recognize as the first "concession" I made in a long series of tiny little concessions that, ultimately, shifted my full affections from my husband where they belonged to another man.

I can't tell you how crafty satan was in sucking me in and how STUPID I was to let him. In my unhealthy daydreams, I started to think of this man as my "missed opportunity" for a soul mate.  We had tons in common, he made me laugh, I liked being around him, and he actually told me I was beautiful. "We had so much in common!!! WHY had I gotten married before I met him?!?!?!" I lamented to myself.

I knew this friendship was wrong but I became frustrated when I realized I needed to cut things off before they went from bad...to worse and I did something I would regret forever. 

Even though I'd love Jesus since I was born (it felt like), what I used to believe about God started making me feel closed in and trapped. It suffocated me and I began to HATE it.

My Faith was baggage...not freedom. I remember thinking.

So I started distancing myself from it and gave in to more and more temptations to ignore God's prompting to "stop playing with fire".  I found myself angry at all these "robot Christians" who spoke only in cliches and Bible verses and felt the need to tell me how to live my life. When they spoke, it fueled an anger in me that was so powerful I could not explain...so much so I considered that a life without these friends and even my parents and family in it wouldn't be that bad. At least I'd be happy.  I deserved that, right?  I had always done what I was supposed to and I was sick of it!!!

Once I confessed to having complicated and wrongful feelings (to the ex) about the guy - and I fled the situation - I quickly realized I was just a number in this man's world.  It was about, oh, 27 seconds before he met a girl and started dating her and bringing her around, confirming what an absolute idiot I was for thinking he might have been genuine.  But I had been a sucker for those pretty words.  What a mistake!

This is embarrassing stuff  let me tell you.  But more than that, it was something I didn't think I was capable of thinking/doing and if someone had told me even a year before I would have feelings for someone I shouldn't, I would have laughed in their face. 

So in the face of that, let me speak to someone out there who is flirting with "the edge".  Let me speak to anyone who is considering their marriage less than fulfilling and looking for esteem elsewhere.  If you're anything like me, when I thought of myself back then, I felt tangled in a web of emotions and I couldn't seem to stop my unhealthy thought life. It isn't just actions that do damage...it's our thought life that is where the damage starts.  If I had to imagine a color to describe the way I felt when I woke up in the morning, I know without a doubt that color would be BLACK. When I went to bed at night and laid in bed, I felt lonely and, again, the BLACK (troubled). And broken. I was at the bottom and when people reached out a hand, I slapped it.  I felt unloved and horribly lonely (among other nunya-bidness-details) and, in the midst of it all, there was someone I saw every day "feeding" me with words, telling me I was "someone".

So why in the heck am I telling you all this? I don't know.  Maybe because I think our mistakes are just opportunities to help someone else (hopefully) from making the same one.  It takes being transparent and admitting where you messed up.  It takes saying, "Oh well" to those who judge and misunderstand where you've been and who you are.   

So what have I done to make sure I do it different?  Well, for starters, I told DW early on in our relationship about my mistake.  And, in the face of knowing myself, my past, and knowing I am, by nature, given to "blowing it" in the name of temptation and pretty words, when we decided to get married, I asked him for total transparency and accountability.

My request to DW was this: If I ever say to you I need to remove myself from a friendship from another couple, would you be willing to do so?

Why? he asked.

I explained to him I felt, in order to most honor our marriage, I couldn't keep anyone in my life if  I found I was attracted to the other man we were spending time with. And I'm not talking recognizing that someone is handsome.  I'm talking attraction.

I told him I knew it may mean that we might one day lose the opportunity for a great friendship but in comparison to having a great Marriage - WHO CARES! There would be other friendships for us ahead, I had no doubt and we agreed together to, over all others, protect the one person we had committed to until death.

DW agreed, of course. I'm persuasive like that! :)  (And he's just awesome like that.)

Although its never happened so far and I hope and pray it never will, I will never be ashamed to break off a friendship in the name of True Love. I would do it because I love DW more than anyone else and I will protect our marriage at all costs.  I will do it because in Song of Solomon 2:15, it says not to allow "little foxes in your vineyards".  Little foxes might seem cute and "little" and like they won't cause any harm...but they can destroy your crop for years to come, maybe forever.

I'm in love with DW but more than that, I made a Covenant - an unbreakable promise to God.  So if my marriage ever becomes unsatisfying, I will not quit.  I will not pout or feel sorry for myself.  I will get to work.  I will put in laborious hours of counseling or I will find a mentor or...I don't know...I'll pray God shows me the way if I need the help.  But I surely will not quit and I will not allow even an "opportunity" for my affection to be diverted from him. 

So back to the thought that's in my heart that tells me someone was supposed to read this today (or in a day in the future) I open up my life this way because, even if I don't know who I'm talking about right now, I love your soul and I care about your future more than I care about the embarrassment of sharing my past mistakes. I pray you don't light the match you're thinking about lighting. I will keep you in my thoughts and, better than that, I pray your life moves out of the BLACK and into the LIGHT.   

Project Mojo

Blogging has taken a backseat in the last couple of weeks because I've been in full-on project completion mode...and I don't mess with project-mojo as it's a rare thing.  Often I start - and don't finish - things in a timely manner but when the completion bug bites, I'm like a Tasmanian Devil.  HA!  

You think I kid. 

Yesterday I didn't want to workout so I strapped a couple old towels on my feet with ponytail holders, put my heartrate monitor on (nerd!), and mopped my house by skating through each room instead of regular old mopping.  Let me just tell you, that's some serious glute work right there and I burned 200 ish calories without going to the gym.  Word. 

As for the other stuff I've been doing to keep busy in my free time: remember those chairs I started, oh, in July or sometime back when...well, I finished covering all four of them and decided to cover the backside as well where the wood looked rough.  The finished look was exactly what I'd hoped!!!  Now I've just got to glue the backs all four of them. 

Classy and unique.  Let's just hope I don't hate this pattern anytime soon. 

  

While DW was out of town earlier this week for work, I also painted the master bedroom a gorgeous, rich Bennington Gray color that I feel was pretty neutral and, hopefully, timeless because I don't want to paint again anytime soon.  I was excited how much better it looked and how it took the room from clinical "white" and made it feel spa-y.  Which is awesome except it makes you never want to get out of bed.  Bad. 

Also, our guest room walls have now been painted a Boothbey Gray which has a little more blue than I initially realized.  Why this picture looks greenish, I have no idea.  That said, its done and its not changing in the near future.  About 3/4 of the way through, before it dried, I was thinking "oh crap."  Since then, I've come to like it although that may just be because I'm too lazy to paint again.  Long term plan is to get a Creme Matelesse Duvet cover to convert this room to all browns and blues...keeping with the neutral cozy theme.       

In between these projects, when I needed to sit, I was suddenly consumed with writing my future -one day-maybe book on surviving Infertility.  I don't know if it will ever be anything that's published and on a shelf somehwere although one might hope and dream so.  It's loosely based on a few old blog posts I've written in the past but is much closer to my heart than that.  This is the last 10 years of my life on 118 pages.  It was so weird to read back through it as if I weren't the one living it. 

When I text a friend I'd completed it, she wrote me back: "But how can you write a book if you don't know how the story ends."   

Exactly. 

I don't want to wait until I know the "ending" to write the book.  Every book on infertility seems to have a happy ending and that's just crap in my opinion.  The ending is irrelevant to me...I wish I'd had a survival guide on how to survive in the meantime without losing my mind or my faith. I wanted to write the "book" from the perspective of someone who is IN the boat with no knowledge of when the journey will be over. 

Finally, this man is coming home today and I miss him:

I was running back through my old texts and came across this one from a couple weeks ago.  I saved it because I just love it and, even though DW will probably want to kill me for sharing our cheesy and slightly nauseating "inside" humor, THESE types of things are what I love about our relationship:

We really aren't normally so annoyingly sappy, which is what makes it funny to me.  We really don't talk like this.  Much. 

So that is all.

Cold Sweat...

Today is a day for rejoicing because it's the start of another year together with DW.  Happy Anniversary, Bud.  I would meet you on the Courthouse steps all over again any day of the week. :-) 

I just realized how long its been since I last posted but if this blog is anything, it's proof of life as we know it. Its a busy time for both of us right now...DW for his industry and, of course, in the training industry.  People are still feeling bad about the thousands and thousands of extra calories they ate over the holidays.  Ha! 

Honestly, though, I'm appreciative.  It's been a while since I've had a full training clientele and, even though I'm still in the rebuilding process since our move to Birmingham, I'm starting to feel like I actually belong somewhere again. 

As for new things in our life, DW and I have started the process of walking forward with foster care preparation classes. Yikes.  Warning: before you get excited or feel any emotion whatsoever for us, keep reading because I'm totally unsure as to how I feel about it. 

Last night was our first class and, unfortunately, DW was out of town for work.  And I say unfortunately because it would have been nice to have him there when the crap hit the emotional fan.  There I was, sitting in class with my 2 inch thick binder full of information, pen in hand, taking notes.  LOTS of notes.  "This is just information-gathering," I tell myself. "You aren't committing to anything yet."  But tell that to my heart which apparently has a mind of it's own with regard to commitment of any sort.  

Cue palpitations.  Sweating.  Pressure in my chest.  The lady was talking but it wasn't long before I started hearing "Wah-wah-wah-wawawawa" instead of words.  Charlie Brown's teacher was standing at the front of the classroom.  

I'd love to tell you I sat there and thought, "This is SOOOO what I want to do." but I would be lying.  Instead, I sat there praying, "God, if this is where I'm supposed to be...help me to know because I am FUH-reaking out right now."    

I text DW..."I feel sick..." 

And he responded, "You're good."  He knew where I was so he didn't even have to ask what I meant by "sick", I guess. 

I couldn't decide whether I wanted to punch him or hug him for that reply.  Punch was my first thought because he's always so. dang. calm. and rational.  But then I immediately wanted to hug him because he's always so.dang.calm. and rational.  I mostly love this about him but sometimes...well, anyway.  You know I mean. 

So back to the sound of my heart beating so loudly it felt like rushing wind in my ears... 

So, um, yeah. Next up, I hear, "Let's go around the room and tell who you are and why you're here."  And, of course, I'm on the side of the room where I'll pretty much be close to last. I get to listen to each couple represented tell who they were and then most of them proceeded to tell how they were sure this was for them because of X reason. 

I'm not joking when I say I shut my information binder and stacked up my stuff to leave. 

But then I decided to act like a grown up and told myself, "You will keep your lily white hiney in this chair."   It's my turn.  I feel my cheeks catch on fire as I say...  

"Hi, I'm Amy Walker and my husband couldn't be here tonight.  Unlike many of you here, we/I are actually just pursuing more information right now.  We are taking some baby steps forward and just asking God to open and close doors as He sees fit.  This is just a "first step" in that process for us."   

There is nodding and I breathe again when they move past me. 

I made it through the class...but the second my butt hit my car seat, I fear-cried the whole way home.  This is a big, huge, overwhelming responsibility we are considering.  This is taking on children who are in the system because they've been abused and/or neglected or they were born addicted to drugs, or they've been sexually molested.  This isn't something I know how to take lightly.  IF we do this, it will only be because God has given us a clear call to do so. 

I HATE that it's so easy for me to find so many reasons to be selfish and/or afraid.

This will be too emotionally hard. 

What if I get a call in the middle of the night to accept a child and I have a 5 a.m. appointment the next morning and DW is out of town for work?

What if I fall in love with a child and then they are taken away?

And my greatest fear: What if I can't fall in love with a particular child?

I'm not a great and unselfish person.  I'm just not.  And I'm sure I could find plenty of people who would agree with that.  I've shared my faults on this blog as much as I can along with the good in my life because I feel like everyone struggles and it would be just plain dumb to pretend otherwise.  Love me or hate me...what you see is what you get.

And I say that to lead up to saying this small slice of horribleness: I'm not someone who loves every child.  I have met children I love so much I want to take them home and make them my own and I have met children that make me want to chew birth control like candy.  (Well, pretending I even needed birth control for the sake of taking creative liberties.)  I would love to tell you I have the character to realize a child is a child and they all have different strengths and different "needs" rather than weaknesses.  And I do in my head...but translating that to the way I live is a different story.  But that is all part of my process, my journey...and I absolutely know that God will enable me to love all children if this is what He is leading us to do. 

There are so many more questions for me than answers right now and I just need time to process.  I not looking for suggestions or advice, honestly, although I recognize that by publicly sharing our journey that may be part of it.  So I guess it's good that the class is 9 weeks long.

And in the meantime, I'd say a lot of praying for strength and for answers are in my future.   

Date Night + Other Deets

On Friday night, DW and I had a Double Date night with Bob and Greta at a local Mexican food place called Frio En La Paz.  While we were getting ready for said date, I walked in the room and said to DW, "Show me your best sexy face..." and this is how the picture turned out.  I guess sexiness is relative.  Ha!  And just because he ruined my sexy picture, I'm now sharing it with the world.  Or with the 12 people that read my blog anyway.  ;-)

After dinner, we headed to grab coffee at a coffee shop on our way to a bluff overlooking the city of Birmingham.  How Bob and Greta knew about this, I decided, was because it must have been an old college makeout spot.  Just sayin.  But they were right, the view was beautiful and the night was juuuust chilly enough to be perfect to have the coffee.

Post dinner and former-college-makeout-spot, we ended up back at our house where I learned, we were in fact, taking the next step in our friendship because I hadn't picked up one thing all week and all of our furniture was rearranged because our dining room hardwoods were being re-stained since our roof leaked.  Thank you roofing company for doing the right thing.  It only took you 4.5 months.  But that's neither here nor there.  My point is, you know you're real friends when your house is a mess and you haven't vacuumed up the dog hair and you let them, after much bullying, come over anyway. 

The good news is we got a thumbs up on our new couch for the den.  Carter seal of approval.

In other news, I had several cancellations today for work so I made today THE day that I finally bit the bullet and painted our dining room and front entry the color I've been dreaming of since move in day.  Let's just say that the color Dillweed is just as attractive as it sounds and I got tired of eating in a Dillweed dining room. 

I'm quite happy with the results.

Speaking of happy, my stomach is not.  DW and I went over his lunch break to our local Organic Market and picked up an Immune Boost for our lunch.  This "Immune Boost" was a whole-food juice mixture that included but was not limited to the following: beets, carrots, apple, ginger, lemon zest, garlic, and last but not least...cayenne pepper.  Here is what we thought of that:

We are pretty sure that this is the concoction they use for Vampire movies when it looks like the characters are drinking blood.  It did indeed look like we were having a good ol' gulp of O- for our lunch.  And my stomach hates me.  Have I mentioned that?  Well, it does.  There is a Gremlin living in there now, I'm pretty sure.

Finally, this should be considered my first post of 2011 that is getting back to the "basics" of sharing the day-to-day tomfoolery that is our lives...among other thoughts, spiritual questions and seeking, and other randomness.

The End.

Destination Ahead...

I woke up this morning with a story on my mind...something my Dad told me several days ago that I had casually listened to but, when I woke up today, it was my first thought.  The "word" that popped in my mind when I awoke was illumination.

When you're a military kid, time and people and places can all blend together and make your memories a blur.  When I was about 11 years old or so, my Dad got a "call", if you will, to head out to Korea for some military-related work that didn't involve the family...just him going solo.  Due to the nature of the trip, we didn't know a specific date when he would be back and, though it makes me sound ancient to say this, it was before the days of emails and cell phones.  So as my Mom puts it, "...there were long stretches of silence."  

In an effort to preserve her sanity and to help my brother and I understand when he would be home, we had this map that we looked at when he called to check in. Mom would pinpoint where he was for us along his path and we could see how far along he was in his West-bound journey "home" to us.  Although we didn't know how long that journey would take exactly, it helped to know how much of it was left. 

Toward the end of his trip West over the frigid North Atlantic, my Dad received a message from the crew who had departed in a plane before him. They had barely made it to their destination - his soon-to-be destination - due to lack of fuel.  They landed with only 7 gallons of gas left...which would have lasted, oh, two more minutes.  "It didn't make any sense..." my Dad explained.  "We had done the "math" for the trip and their plane should have had plenty of fuel.  The worst part was that no one had any answers as to what had happened."  He finished, "I mean, math is math." 

To add to that confusion, not long before, another plane had completely disappeared on this very same route.  So, as you can imagine, this information created a huge amount of trepidation on the part of my Dad. One minor miscalculation and he could become nothing more than a ghost.  As they were waiting on their plane to be refueled, my Dad said he kept looking at his watch, telling the others that if the time rolled passed 4:00 p.m., he absolutely would not take off.  He didn't want to be over the North Atlantic at all really - but especially at night after the news he'd just received from the other crew.  

Well, he said, we ended up taking off at 3:59 p.m. - so that really didn't solve his problem.  Looks like this "leg" of the journey would be a dark, scary night of flying after all.  Would he make it? he couldn't help but wonder.

As darkness closed in and they flew into the night, all the unknowns started to eat at him.  What happened to the other plane that disappeared? Why did the guys before almost run out of fuel? If his plane crashed into the North Atlantic who could possibly reach him in less than 30 minutes? They couldn't survive in those waters longer than that.  His mind raced and the darkness all around him began crushing in.  

My Dad, who I would  consider a straight-truth to a fault (sometimes) kind of guy, had to pause a moment before he could continue to speak.  His brown eyes stared down at his hands and his voice wavered with controlled emotion when he said, "At that moment, in all of that overwhelming and complete darkness, I quietly cried out to God and said, "Lord, please give me something?  You've got to give me something..."  

All his control melted away and his voice cracked a bit as he said, "...and out of no where in the pitch black, I saw a light ahead, illuminating the airstrip where we were going to land."  Just as the darkness had become too much, he had made it...and, more than that, in one of the darkest moments of his life, he felt God had clearly answered him. 

I woke up this morning with more than a story on my mind.  I woke up with a prayer in my heart based on that story.  I asked God to show Himself tangibly to people in my life who feel displaced or unsure of the future right now...and I asked Him to meet them (and me) in our "low" moment. I'm asking Him to, like He did then, show us the "Light" that illuminates the destination ahead. 

While this struggle I'm (you're) facing may surely feel like a long trip in a 2 engine plane...

...over the frigid North Atlantic...

...in the dark...

...where there is nothing to be seen around or even up ahead...

...where all that is known are the "coordinates" I've been given for the journey...

I try to remind myself this morning that I know the destination is somewhere safe and good...

...juuuuuuuust hang on long enough to get there.  

I'm thanking God today for all that darkness right now in my life - and in the lives of those I care about - because I just know that the Light that will soon come will point and say, Now...

....look right HERE.  This is your destination. 

I (you) will not only feel relief and sweet release like my Dad did that day...I will see His great glory and know my Father more.  Gives me chills to think about.      

Seek His will in all you do and he will show you which path to take... Proverbs 3:6

Are You My "Just One" This Year?

I'm pretty sure I've told the story already about the time in college when I invited a guy I was dating to go to church with me.  He hadn't, to my knowledge, ever been to church before and, I'll admit it, I got really nervous and couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking.  Well, I didn't have to wait long because during the part where we were singing a song called "Holy is the Lamb", he leaned over and said to me, "Um, what's so great about this lamb?"  As in Baaaaaaaaaa...cuddly little lamb.

That moment will always stand as a very defining moment in my Faith.  As I sat there and viewed the world and Christianity through his eyes, I saw how N-U-T-S it must look.  In his mind, all he saw were these people standing around and singing about an animal?  That wasn't what was actually happening obviously but how could he possibly know that sometimes Christians refer to Jesus as the Lamb of God.  Or WHY we refer to Jesus as the Lamb of God.  And especially why that's worthy of singing about. 

I am SO. SO. SO. thankful for that experience. 

Since that moment, I have had the ability to see Faith through the eyes of both my personal beliefs and what it must look like to someone who hasn't ever heard, what I would consider, the Good News.  I'm always looking at the Bible with two sets of eyes...how do I read and receive this as a Believer? And how can I help the one who hasn't heard all the Christian "jargon" before wade through all the fluff to understand what's really important? 

The only thing I feel 100% capable of doing, at all times, is pursuing an authentic relationship with God myself and consistently acknowledging that my love for God is great...but my ability to fail and disappoint others is also great.  I've mentioned in the past, I'm not a Christian because I just drank the KoolAid.

Transitioning just for a moment, I typically don't do resolutions but I've changed my mind and I'm going to do one this year. Wouldn't it be a miracle if I just said something straight out? Well, here you go: my point in a nutshell. I plan to spend my year praying and asking God for a "Just One". At the challenge of our Pastor yesterday, I'm praying for "just one" person this year who comes to desire a relationship with Him because they found proof of Him in my life somewhere, somehow. That would be what our Pastor called a "No Lose" Resolution...and I agree.

The End. You can quit reading now if you want. The rest are just my personal thoughts I'm writing for the "record book".

Let me bottom line this whole thing.  I was recently talking to someone who was not a Christian and we were having a very open dialogue about Faith.  She asked me how I could believe in something so outlandish, in a sense, and I had to smile and say, "How could I not?" 

I believe, first of all, because I am personally convinced.  The more I study the Word, you'd think I'd find more reasons to not believe.  I mean, it's an old book.  Surely there would be plenty of discrepancies and loopholes that would make me see that being a Christian is sheer lunacy.  But, in fact, the opposite if true.  The more I study, the more I realize how consistent God is. 

In my mind, I can't figure out how I can "lose" by being a Believer.  Let's just pretend for a moment that it's 100% not true. Let's say I spend my life loving someone who isn't really there and I spend each morning reading a really old book with a great cup of coffee. 

Meh, so what? 

I would say, in that case, that in my darkest moments and hours, I have been given the gift of believing that there is something more to life...there is purpose in these daily struggles and glory in the moments of joy.  Also, as I read and study the Word, worst case scenario, I learn more about being a better person.  I become less selfish, more forgiving, and I develop deeper values and stronger convictions for how to treat others.  So I ask, have I really lost anything?    At most, I've lost relationships with those who can't tolerate that I'm "dumb enough" to believe in something I can't see.

At the end of it all...when my life is over and I get buried in the ground...what if I find there is nothing but dirt and darkness?  I ask you this: what have I lost?  I'll be dead. The End. My pride won't hurt even a little that I was wrong, I promise you. 

But what if, at the end of it all, I was right?  That there is More?  That I spent my life loving a God who sacrificed His most precious Son in my place so that all that was wrong with me could be made right?  That I read an Old Book that was able to show me more about how to be a more quality, Christ-like person?  Even if Jesus was only a good man, what would be so wrong with wanting to be more like Him?  What could possibly be wrong with loving my neighbor as I love myself or respecting my father and mother? Or not wanting what my neighbor has?  Or learning to be content with what I have? Or giving my "extra" to the poor and less fortunate?

If it's all true, as David Platt said it best: "How unloving do I have to be NOT to tell people about that Good News?"

So I pray and ask that this year, as I share my life in general, somehow YOU (my "just one")  whoever you may be, will feel the Pull and won't be able to ignore the Call.  I pray that each time you hear me talk about my Faith...deep down...you'll know its not because I lack intelligence or because I'm weak and need something to depend on.  I'm asking that, for all the things that you can say to yourself about why you shouldn't believe, HE will show you five more for why you should.    

Looking Back...And Moving Forward.

It's that time of year where you can't help but look back at where you've been for the last 365 days and make grand predictions about who you will be in the next year, what you will do, and what you won't do.  I mean, it's only natural that each year brings with it the opportunity for a "do over" and I'm thankful for that.  I love brand new starts with the same passion and intensity that I love clean sheets straight out of the dryer.  And that's a lot.  

In the last two weeks, I've spent a lot of time just enjoying the holiday season and my time with my parents and DW - first in Texas - and then now here in Alabama on our own stomping grounds. 

I'm especially thankful for one more year with this old man:   

If I was a comic book super hero, Tucker is the all-important sidekick and constant companion.  As in Batman and Robin.  Or if we are going with colors here, we go together like Salt and Pepper. Just saying.  13 years and 4 months ago, when I stopped my car to let the kids I was nannying play with a couple black lab puppies, I had NO idea that the one with the huge feet and oversized ears would sit quietly at the back of the play area while his brothers and sisters knawed each other's limbs off and would proceed to lock onto my eyes, willing me to take him home.  He wasn't playing with the others - even then he was King Tuck. 

While my parents have been here, we found the perfect couch for our "football" room as DW likes to call it. It's really the Den off of our kitchen but he likes to joke that its a perfect place to sit and watch TV and still be able to say to me, "Woman, bring me something to eat."   Uh huh.  Good thing he's so dang cute when he's being mischievous. 

Anyway, it was the last piece of furniture we needed to complete all the rooms in our house.  And DW is going to make me the coffee table (to scale for our room) that you see in front of the couch.  Woop!

And who better to end the year with than my sweet, beautiful Mom!  I finally convinced her to take a picture with me...another milestone for 2011.  ;-)

2011 has its fair share of ups and downs as any year does.  I started 2011 feeling absolutely broken after "surviving" another Christmas season without a child of our own.  But the Lord showed me, in the most unusual way, that He was (and is) faithful and He had not (and has not) forgotten me.  A month later I was in Australia and He showed me how life is filled with unimaginable opportunities and gifts that I would have missed out on had Life gone "according to plan".  In 2011, we finally made it Home to Birmingham after six years of hoping we would "one day" be able to get back here.  And speaking of Home, we bought our 1954 fixer upper dream house here.  We have had so much fun changing things and renovating and planning for "what's next".  

In 2011, the Lord began a long, long process of showing me that I desperately needed to learn what true forgiveness...HIS kind of forgiveness looked like.  It started with a study on Luke 7 and culminated in an event where I learned I am able to forgive as Christ forgives but ONLY by and through His grace and power.  It's still a choice every day and a discipline I'm working on.

I learned that I shouldn't try to always "make sense" of what I think He is doing on my terms.  And that the best place I can be is inside His will and "in the boat".     

In 2011, I learned that no matter how much I grow and change, I will always be my own worst critic. I've learned that others might not see life in the same way I do.  I realized that others might misunderstand my intentions and/or people won't always assume the best of me.  There will be people who won't like me.  My skin got a little thicker this year and I learned that I don't even need everyone to like me.  (shrugs shoulders)

I started...and actually finished...a Beth Moore Bible study.  It was both a personal and spiritual journey milestone.  I've never finished a guided study all the way through before on my own without accountability. 

At the beginning of 2011, I had high hopes that THIS YEAR would be the year that our life changed and we welcomed a baby (or at least a child of our own) into our lives - but that was not the case.  God did not give us a Yes or a No...we are still feeling our answer is currently a Not Yet.  It's been a long, long journey but we are not finished yet. 

It was this year that I truly fell in love with my Savior for who He is...not what He can do for me.  Although I didn't realize that was what I was doing before.  He is not God-on-Demand.  He is the Creator of the Universe and I had my role in the Universe sorely out of place.  While my life is important to me - and reasonably so - my life is not my own because I gave it to Him a long time ago. He will use it for His unique plans and for His ultimate glory.  I'm along for the ride...and so I will not put expectations on 2012.  I don't know if 2012 will be "THE YEAR" or not.  But what I do know is that He is good and what He does is good...and so the most joy, the most peace, the most contentment, will be found by trusting Him.  And WHEN He answers...I just want to make sure I remember where I came from.

It was this year, we went Gluten Free and DW's allergy to Gluten and my subsequent eating Gluten Free with him resulted in some shocking and amazing changes in my own body.  All the details about what and how it's changed me are neither here nor there, but let's just say my body is healing.

My one regret in 2011 is that I stopped taking so many pictures and didn't document the ordinary day-to-day enough.  Conversations between DW and I, dinners with friends, etc.  I plan to fix that in 2012.

So what do I want in 2012?  I honestly don't know.  I'm just along for the ride.

Where You Came From…

One of the fears I have, if I ever get pregnant, is that I will forget the way I feel right now. One might think it would be absolutely ideal to block out any remembrance of the pain and heartache that is infertility, but I recognize it’s become a part of me forever. I don’t wish to always be infertile, but I do wish to carry this journey of infertility with me so that I don’t forget what it feels like to walk this Road.

I don’t want to become a frazzled mother of…let’s say 3…and meet a young, married woman struggling with infertility and NOT remember.  I often tell myself, Don’t you dare one day offer clichés like “well, when you just relax and let it happen…” or tell stories about how “I knew this friend of a friend who started the adoption process and one month later..." Don’t you dare do X and don’t you dare offer advice of Y...you have been on the other end of those. You just SHUT YOUR MOUTH and listen as one who has been there. Do NOT undermine their journey should be tattooed on my body somewhere, I’m convinced.

As I was dreaming of what “might be” one day for me, I imagined a scenario where “Today” Me (as in not-pregnant, happily married w/normal issues, 33 year old Me) walks into a coffee shop and sits down across the table from a “Future” Me version of myself.  (Yes, I’m a little weird obviously.) As one would expect, when I stare across the table, I look into eyes that are familiar to me and I smile before I say to my identical twin, “Well, congratulations…”

“Thanks!” she says back, tears sparkling in her eyes. “I just can’t believe it.”

Me either, I say. I really didn’t ever think this day would come for you.

We sit together in silence a moment, remembering the road “we’ve” travelled together, filled with ups and downs, heartaches and lessons, but most importantly, a journey that stretched and grew Me emotionally and spiritually like no other journey could have. “Today” Me and “Future” Me both know we will move on from (one day) - but it’s important to never, ever forget.

She starts first: Well, I guess it’s a new Chapter, huh? and I nod. Are you feeling sick yet? I ask and she shakes her head “No, not yet.”

When are you going to tell people? and she shrugs and bites her lip. “I’m excited but kind of scared to.” and I nod because I totally understand. I’ve thought of it a million times before myself. IF the day ever came when I got pregnant, I’ve wondered how I could possibly tell those who have been on this journey with me that my life is different now. In no way better, but I’ve now received the blessing that we have all dreamed of, emailed about, talked about, prayed for...some of us for years. Those of us on the infertility journey who have walked together, hand in hand, know what I mean. But it doesn’t change the Truth. The fact that when one of us gets pregnant, the ones still dreaming of “their day” teeter totter between excitement and hope and joy for the other…and absolute heartache for ourselves. The Left Behinds.

“Well”, Today Me says to Future Me, “Just don’t forget how it feels. Don’t forget what this road has been like.”

After more conversation, its decided that we should write it down because we know…we’ve seen it happen over and over. We’ve seen those on "Our side" cross over to the “Other” side and it’s as if the years of dreaming and hoping and wanting and tears are suddenly forgotten. But I won’t forget.

I’ll start. I say and I write “To Pregnant Me…” and put a number 1 on the sheet of paper in front of "us".

1. Tell your fellow Sojourners first. Don’t hit them with the blow of finding out with the masses. Bring them in on your Joy before the rest of the world so they aren’t blind-sided.  They have walked this road with you and you owe them that. Give them their “moment alone” to process so that it doesn’t create more damage in their already hurting hearts.

2. When you start to feel the symptoms of pregnancy, remember that each time you pray to the porcelain gods, it is because Life (amazing, beautiful Life) is growing inside you. You wanted a baby more than anything. Now, deal with it and thank God for every stinking miserable moment. :-)  Remember how many times you wanted to tell people to “shut up” because you would give your left eye to know that particular misery. Nausea will go away. Energy will come back. Millions of women before you have done it and millions after you will as well. Just be thankful even though everything inside you tells you to complain. 

3. Don’t let your Joy at being a Mom let you become callous or immediately forgetful. Be mindful of the fact that motherhood is a gift of which all might not partake. Remember that just because your mind is suddenly consumed with baby thoughts and dreams and nursery décor doesn’t mean it should be the only thing you talk about. Remember what you loved before and who walked this journey with you.

4. When you do forget, be quick to say you’re sorry. Yes, you should be present and enjoy this new part of your Journey but please, please don’t forget how testy and emotional and hurt you felt as a Have Not. Be filled with Grace and Remember.

5. When your body doesn’t look the same anymore and everything is stretched out and doesn’t look the same, don’t trivialize the fact that you were given a unique and mind-blowing gift to take part in His Creation. Remember it is a unique opportunity to experience Your Heavenly Father in a way that not all will be given for one reason or another.

Can you think of anything else? I ask but we both agree that those things pretty much sum it up for now. We can always add to the list later when "Today Me" meets with "Frazzled Mom Me".

But that’s a whole different Coffee Shop conversation…

Manly Things & Other Weekend Fun...

DW's friend, Chris, came over to the house on Saturday to help DW cut down a tree that has been the bain of our existance since we moved in.  We didn't even realize that Mimosa trees could grow so big...and when they do, you can be sure that they will rain down crap all over your cars at all times, in all seasons.  So let me just say that I was stoked this particular project was going down.  Thank you, Chris!

I loved hearing the guys talking and laughing and just getting so plain ol' shoulder to shoulder time while they worked.  Friendships like these - those that stand the test of time and accept you for who you are unconditionally - well, they are just a HUGE blessing!  I loved seeing DW laughing so much yesterday and I admit, I found myself strangely attracted to DW doing what Paul Bunyan type men do. ;-) 

SO thankful for these two men...I love one with all my heart and the other truly like a brother.    

After Chris left and we got cleaned up, we headed over to Bob and Greta's house for Gluten Free Pizza and Movie night.  Again, it was a day of counting blessings as we were full up on good friend time.  We ended up watching "The Help" - which I'd seen before but couldn't wait to see again.  I loved it the first time.  Well, I say "watch" but I admit it, I fell asleep during the movie!  HA! I was tired.

On Sunday, DW and I took all THREE pups for a walk on a trail near our house.  Now that Macie is finally feeling better, she is quite the little fireball and makes me laugh! Her and Sam are super playful, which is nice because Tucker isn't much up for playing these days.  We had some sleepy pups after their walk and play time so it was great to come home and have a perfect Fat Kid Sunday on the couch until time for church (we go to the Sunday evening service).  All in all, a great and relaxing weekend...

In the Race...

I had a friend in high school who didn't really have "rules" and never got in trouble even for things that my parents would have skinned me alive for.  At the time, I remember being a little envious of all that "freedom".  What I realized later in life is that all that freedom really wasn't because this particular person's parent loved them more...it was because disciplining them took too much effort.  My friend later confessed to me that he was jealous that my parents cared enough to give me rules and to hold me to a certain standard.  That thought had never occurred to me.

I was reminded of that this morning when I was reading Hebrews 12:7 where it says: Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 

Truth: up until this year, I have never completed one single Bible self-study book in its entirety.  I've been in group Bible studies before and with plenty of accountability, I was known to do fine and I completed (most of) those.  But leave me responsible for my own spiritual growth and I struggled with consistent time and study.  To be even more truthful, I've spent most of my life feeling like spending time in the Word was just something to check off my daily "to do" list.    

___ Do Laundry

___ Pick Up Dry Cleaning

___ Spend Time with God

___ Take Samson to the vet

___ Lats/Legs/Run

___ Grocery Store

Check, check, CHECK, check, check...I tick off the responsibilites of my day and somewhere, squeezed in between the dry cleaning and the grocery run was my time with God.  And then one day it occured to me, what if I knew that my own name was on someone's "TO DO" list, buried in the other monotonous inconveniences of regular ol' life?  What if a relationship with me was just another daily responsibility that this "other" person found no joy in - only an ingrained sense of responsibility and duty?  

IF I knew that, would I find that relationship satisfying?  Would I find any pleasure in it? 

Keep in mind I'm speaking only to my spiritual journey and not judging anyone else if this is what their life and/or Walk looks like.  Honestly, sometimes friendships and even romance IS a discipline and it does have it's place.  There are times it takes just "showing up" before the feelings follow, no doubt.

But when I felt personally convicted of it, I had no choice but to look at my relationship with God a little differently.  He and I know that if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't be satisfied.  So it would make sense that He might point out to me that He wasn't finding my particular offering very satisfying, either.  The thing that kept coming to my mind was that He wanted my heartfelt offering...just showing up to "check" it off wasn't enough for Him from me.  He and I both knew it lacked heart. 

And so enter what I'm learning now...about how to present a heartfelt offering of my time and, mostly, a heartfelt offering of my affection.  I wanna want to know Him...every little last detail He will reveal to me about Himself.

David Platt, our pastor, recently presented a powerful message about how there are really only 3 kinds of people in regards to Faith...and hopefully I accurately explain what he said well and accurately because it applies here.  If not, my fault...not his.

1. there are those who outright reject it. I think it's pretty clear what this means so no need to expound here.

2. there are those who are content to observe Jesus.  Meaning they know who He is and what He has supposedly done and they see others become radically different because they love Jesus.  But I imagine this person an "armchair quarterback"...someone who is content to sit back and watch, who associates themself with the "team", and has plenty of suggestions on how things should be done but never really gets in the game.

3. and then there are those who unconditionally follow Jesus. As in, You are the Lord and my King and I will abandon all that I have and all that I am to follow you.

Used to, I would have said that #3 (unconditionally following Jesus) was hands down the scariest possibility since I knew I wasn't a #1 (rejecter). If I gave Jesus my life unconditionally, my fear was I would end up in a village in Africa somewhere. Or worse. What if I had to give all of my savings away and live in a cardboard box for Jesus.  Don't lie, you know you've thought something like that.  ;-) I kid.

But in the last couple years my heart has changed because without a single doubt...#2 has become the scariest possibility of all to me.

It literally makes my heart skip a beat in my chest to think I could only be an armchair quarterback or a sideliner...someone who mistakenly feels like I'm part of the team or a part of the race when all I really am is a casual observer. I don't want to be someone who watches others grow and stretch in their faith and passionately follows what God is doing in them - but somehow misses the fact that He wants to do something amazing in me, too, if only I'll let Him.

No ma'am...I tell myself.  That will not be me. Come what may, I will run this race...

This time of not getting what I want...I know it has been partly to discipline me and partly to show me how valued I am as His daughter...He wants me to love Him and need Him more...and I do! I've said it before, I am a better person for not getting everything I want right when I want it! 

This race I'm talking about...I don't just want to drag my dimply little butt across the finish line...I want to finish strong because I was prepared and because I knew what the race entailed.  Because I had trained for it physically and mentally and emotionally.  I don't want to stroll through the tape.  I want to sprint on through...

Oh Lord, more than anything I want to hear you say, "Well done, my Child..."

A Glimpse of What the Future Holds...

Over the last six years, I've opened up my life in a lot of ways on this blog...especially with regard to infertility.  So I feel like it would be a gross injustice to only talk about the heartache of my struggle and the "downs" but not share the moments where I feel happiness and joy and I recognize God's beautiful work in my life.  I'd probably consider this a ladies-only post though so fellas (if any) that read, that X at the top right is for you. 

I've mentioned before that I've never received a NO on pregnancy from God...but I've also never received a YES seeing as I have no children. I've hoped for pregnancy but have never been sure that's my "road" for this journey...but I also haven't yet felt this overwhelming "Call" that it was time to adopt.  The thing that I've heard a million times has been a NOT NOW.  I've been in limbo for a long, long time.  

I probably couldn't count the number of times that I've asked God to "just tell me NO" if pregnancy was out and, although there have been several times where I was sure my ovaries were just gonna shut down on me in answer to that prayer, it's never happened.  I've also asked for clarity...have the months and years with nary a pregnancy been the answer and it's just an answer I'm unwilling to face? 

Well, recently, I've had this quietness in my spirit.  A willingness to just "Be".  I'm never going to be ready for anything that comes my way - adoption or pregnancy.  I won't lie...on the times in the past where we did a fertility cycle, I've been equally afraid of finding out YES as I have been of hearing another NO.  WHAT is wrong with me? I've thought before...But I guess it all comes down to the fact that I don't care who you are...adding to your family is a game-changer.

But now, to the good stuff.  Yesterday I had a basic appointment with a new doctor so I could become a not-new patient anymore in case I needed to see her.  Ahhhh the joys of moving to a new city.  Anyway, let me keep this long story very short by saying that, after taking my medical history of infertility, she wanted to confirm some details herself and took a look at my ovaries via sonogram.  No one ever believes me that I'm severely PCOS because I don't have any of the external symptoms of this disease.  

She flicks off the lights to look at the screen and I save her the trouble of detailing my ovaries to the nurse for my chart.  As I've heard a kajillion times in the past 6+ years, I parroted the following: Uterus is tilted posterior...greater than 20 follicles on left ovary...greater than 20 follicles on right ovary...ovaries are abnormally enlarged.

I saw recognition dawn in my doctor's eyes and she glanced at me and said, "You've been struggling with infertility for a while, huh?"  Yup, a long time, I reply.  Well, she pauses and I see her squint to confirm..."You have all that right except the abnormally enlarged ovaries part."  

Huh? 

You ovaries look perfectly normal to me...she says.  The right one is just barely enlarged but the left looks great.  Obviously, as you know both of them are polycystic, though.  But I heard her say the last part of the sentence like she was in another galaxy as I processed the fact that she said my ovaries were NORMAL size.

Imsorrybutwhatdidyoujustsaytome? I slurred in my mind.  My ovaries have never been normal...not since I was 14 years old at my first well woman appointment and the doctor delivered the news that I had PCOS.  A few more steps later and I'm left alone in the room for a moment to change and I can't help it...I begin to cry in just sheer awe.  It was just this past May when we saw another shot cycle fail and my heart was broken.  JUST this past May when my doctor had said my ovaries our ONLY option was an IVF.  In June, we turned down the free IVF we were offered and even though I've wondered a couple times if I was crazy, I couldn't deny I was at peace with it.  No more meds.  Not because they were wrong, but our season of pursuing a family that way had come to an end.  We were tired.     

Slowly, but surely, in HIS time...He is healing me.  And you know what?  There isn't a doubt in my mind its because of all of those of you who are praying for us as you've promised.  For me.  For my broken, dysfunctional body that's been my worst enemy.  I just want you to know that your investment of prayer in this journey hasn't been for not.  He is answering and I'm begging you to continue to pray for us if you truly feel called to!  And thank you, thank you, thank you for the ones you've already offered up.

I won't pretend to know what the future holds, but I know that He is GOOD and what He does is GOOD.