Cold Sweat...

Today is a day for rejoicing because it's the start of another year together with DW.  Happy Anniversary, Bud.  I would meet you on the Courthouse steps all over again any day of the week. :-) 

I just realized how long its been since I last posted but if this blog is anything, it's proof of life as we know it. Its a busy time for both of us right now...DW for his industry and, of course, in the training industry.  People are still feeling bad about the thousands and thousands of extra calories they ate over the holidays.  Ha! 

Honestly, though, I'm appreciative.  It's been a while since I've had a full training clientele and, even though I'm still in the rebuilding process since our move to Birmingham, I'm starting to feel like I actually belong somewhere again. 

As for new things in our life, DW and I have started the process of walking forward with foster care preparation classes. Yikes.  Warning: before you get excited or feel any emotion whatsoever for us, keep reading because I'm totally unsure as to how I feel about it. 

Last night was our first class and, unfortunately, DW was out of town for work.  And I say unfortunately because it would have been nice to have him there when the crap hit the emotional fan.  There I was, sitting in class with my 2 inch thick binder full of information, pen in hand, taking notes.  LOTS of notes.  "This is just information-gathering," I tell myself. "You aren't committing to anything yet."  But tell that to my heart which apparently has a mind of it's own with regard to commitment of any sort.  

Cue palpitations.  Sweating.  Pressure in my chest.  The lady was talking but it wasn't long before I started hearing "Wah-wah-wah-wawawawa" instead of words.  Charlie Brown's teacher was standing at the front of the classroom.  

I'd love to tell you I sat there and thought, "This is SOOOO what I want to do." but I would be lying.  Instead, I sat there praying, "God, if this is where I'm supposed to be...help me to know because I am FUH-reaking out right now."    

I text DW..."I feel sick..." 

And he responded, "You're good."  He knew where I was so he didn't even have to ask what I meant by "sick", I guess. 

I couldn't decide whether I wanted to punch him or hug him for that reply.  Punch was my first thought because he's always so. dang. calm. and rational.  But then I immediately wanted to hug him because he's always so.dang.calm. and rational.  I mostly love this about him but sometimes...well, anyway.  You know I mean. 

So back to the sound of my heart beating so loudly it felt like rushing wind in my ears... 

So, um, yeah. Next up, I hear, "Let's go around the room and tell who you are and why you're here."  And, of course, I'm on the side of the room where I'll pretty much be close to last. I get to listen to each couple represented tell who they were and then most of them proceeded to tell how they were sure this was for them because of X reason. 

I'm not joking when I say I shut my information binder and stacked up my stuff to leave. 

But then I decided to act like a grown up and told myself, "You will keep your lily white hiney in this chair."   It's my turn.  I feel my cheeks catch on fire as I say...  

"Hi, I'm Amy Walker and my husband couldn't be here tonight.  Unlike many of you here, we/I are actually just pursuing more information right now.  We are taking some baby steps forward and just asking God to open and close doors as He sees fit.  This is just a "first step" in that process for us."   

There is nodding and I breathe again when they move past me. 

I made it through the class...but the second my butt hit my car seat, I fear-cried the whole way home.  This is a big, huge, overwhelming responsibility we are considering.  This is taking on children who are in the system because they've been abused and/or neglected or they were born addicted to drugs, or they've been sexually molested.  This isn't something I know how to take lightly.  IF we do this, it will only be because God has given us a clear call to do so. 

I HATE that it's so easy for me to find so many reasons to be selfish and/or afraid.

This will be too emotionally hard. 

What if I get a call in the middle of the night to accept a child and I have a 5 a.m. appointment the next morning and DW is out of town for work?

What if I fall in love with a child and then they are taken away?

And my greatest fear: What if I can't fall in love with a particular child?

I'm not a great and unselfish person.  I'm just not.  And I'm sure I could find plenty of people who would agree with that.  I've shared my faults on this blog as much as I can along with the good in my life because I feel like everyone struggles and it would be just plain dumb to pretend otherwise.  Love me or hate me...what you see is what you get.

And I say that to lead up to saying this small slice of horribleness: I'm not someone who loves every child.  I have met children I love so much I want to take them home and make them my own and I have met children that make me want to chew birth control like candy.  (Well, pretending I even needed birth control for the sake of taking creative liberties.)  I would love to tell you I have the character to realize a child is a child and they all have different strengths and different "needs" rather than weaknesses.  And I do in my head...but translating that to the way I live is a different story.  But that is all part of my process, my journey...and I absolutely know that God will enable me to love all children if this is what He is leading us to do. 

There are so many more questions for me than answers right now and I just need time to process.  I not looking for suggestions or advice, honestly, although I recognize that by publicly sharing our journey that may be part of it.  So I guess it's good that the class is 9 weeks long.

And in the meantime, I'd say a lot of praying for strength and for answers are in my future.   

Date Night + Other Deets

On Friday night, DW and I had a Double Date night with Bob and Greta at a local Mexican food place called Frio En La Paz.  While we were getting ready for said date, I walked in the room and said to DW, "Show me your best sexy face..." and this is how the picture turned out.  I guess sexiness is relative.  Ha!  And just because he ruined my sexy picture, I'm now sharing it with the world.  Or with the 12 people that read my blog anyway.  ;-)

After dinner, we headed to grab coffee at a coffee shop on our way to a bluff overlooking the city of Birmingham.  How Bob and Greta knew about this, I decided, was because it must have been an old college makeout spot.  Just sayin.  But they were right, the view was beautiful and the night was juuuust chilly enough to be perfect to have the coffee.

Post dinner and former-college-makeout-spot, we ended up back at our house where I learned, we were in fact, taking the next step in our friendship because I hadn't picked up one thing all week and all of our furniture was rearranged because our dining room hardwoods were being re-stained since our roof leaked.  Thank you roofing company for doing the right thing.  It only took you 4.5 months.  But that's neither here nor there.  My point is, you know you're real friends when your house is a mess and you haven't vacuumed up the dog hair and you let them, after much bullying, come over anyway. 

The good news is we got a thumbs up on our new couch for the den.  Carter seal of approval.

In other news, I had several cancellations today for work so I made today THE day that I finally bit the bullet and painted our dining room and front entry the color I've been dreaming of since move in day.  Let's just say that the color Dillweed is just as attractive as it sounds and I got tired of eating in a Dillweed dining room. 

I'm quite happy with the results.

Speaking of happy, my stomach is not.  DW and I went over his lunch break to our local Organic Market and picked up an Immune Boost for our lunch.  This "Immune Boost" was a whole-food juice mixture that included but was not limited to the following: beets, carrots, apple, ginger, lemon zest, garlic, and last but not least...cayenne pepper.  Here is what we thought of that:

We are pretty sure that this is the concoction they use for Vampire movies when it looks like the characters are drinking blood.  It did indeed look like we were having a good ol' gulp of O- for our lunch.  And my stomach hates me.  Have I mentioned that?  Well, it does.  There is a Gremlin living in there now, I'm pretty sure.

Finally, this should be considered my first post of 2011 that is getting back to the "basics" of sharing the day-to-day tomfoolery that is our lives...among other thoughts, spiritual questions and seeking, and other randomness.

The End.

Destination Ahead...

I woke up this morning with a story on my mind...something my Dad told me several days ago that I had casually listened to but, when I woke up today, it was my first thought.  The "word" that popped in my mind when I awoke was illumination.

When you're a military kid, time and people and places can all blend together and make your memories a blur.  When I was about 11 years old or so, my Dad got a "call", if you will, to head out to Korea for some military-related work that didn't involve the family...just him going solo.  Due to the nature of the trip, we didn't know a specific date when he would be back and, though it makes me sound ancient to say this, it was before the days of emails and cell phones.  So as my Mom puts it, "...there were long stretches of silence."  

In an effort to preserve her sanity and to help my brother and I understand when he would be home, we had this map that we looked at when he called to check in. Mom would pinpoint where he was for us along his path and we could see how far along he was in his West-bound journey "home" to us.  Although we didn't know how long that journey would take exactly, it helped to know how much of it was left. 

Toward the end of his trip West over the frigid North Atlantic, my Dad received a message from the crew who had departed in a plane before him. They had barely made it to their destination - his soon-to-be destination - due to lack of fuel.  They landed with only 7 gallons of gas left...which would have lasted, oh, two more minutes.  "It didn't make any sense..." my Dad explained.  "We had done the "math" for the trip and their plane should have had plenty of fuel.  The worst part was that no one had any answers as to what had happened."  He finished, "I mean, math is math." 

To add to that confusion, not long before, another plane had completely disappeared on this very same route.  So, as you can imagine, this information created a huge amount of trepidation on the part of my Dad. One minor miscalculation and he could become nothing more than a ghost.  As they were waiting on their plane to be refueled, my Dad said he kept looking at his watch, telling the others that if the time rolled passed 4:00 p.m., he absolutely would not take off.  He didn't want to be over the North Atlantic at all really - but especially at night after the news he'd just received from the other crew.  

Well, he said, we ended up taking off at 3:59 p.m. - so that really didn't solve his problem.  Looks like this "leg" of the journey would be a dark, scary night of flying after all.  Would he make it? he couldn't help but wonder.

As darkness closed in and they flew into the night, all the unknowns started to eat at him.  What happened to the other plane that disappeared? Why did the guys before almost run out of fuel? If his plane crashed into the North Atlantic who could possibly reach him in less than 30 minutes? They couldn't survive in those waters longer than that.  His mind raced and the darkness all around him began crushing in.  

My Dad, who I would  consider a straight-truth to a fault (sometimes) kind of guy, had to pause a moment before he could continue to speak.  His brown eyes stared down at his hands and his voice wavered with controlled emotion when he said, "At that moment, in all of that overwhelming and complete darkness, I quietly cried out to God and said, "Lord, please give me something?  You've got to give me something..."  

All his control melted away and his voice cracked a bit as he said, "...and out of no where in the pitch black, I saw a light ahead, illuminating the airstrip where we were going to land."  Just as the darkness had become too much, he had made it...and, more than that, in one of the darkest moments of his life, he felt God had clearly answered him. 

I woke up this morning with more than a story on my mind.  I woke up with a prayer in my heart based on that story.  I asked God to show Himself tangibly to people in my life who feel displaced or unsure of the future right now...and I asked Him to meet them (and me) in our "low" moment. I'm asking Him to, like He did then, show us the "Light" that illuminates the destination ahead. 

While this struggle I'm (you're) facing may surely feel like a long trip in a 2 engine plane...

...over the frigid North Atlantic...

...in the dark...

...where there is nothing to be seen around or even up ahead...

...where all that is known are the "coordinates" I've been given for the journey...

I try to remind myself this morning that I know the destination is somewhere safe and good...

...juuuuuuuust hang on long enough to get there.  

I'm thanking God today for all that darkness right now in my life - and in the lives of those I care about - because I just know that the Light that will soon come will point and say, Now...

....look right HERE.  This is your destination. 

I (you) will not only feel relief and sweet release like my Dad did that day...I will see His great glory and know my Father more.  Gives me chills to think about.      

Seek His will in all you do and he will show you which path to take... Proverbs 3:6

Are You My "Just One" This Year?

I'm pretty sure I've told the story already about the time in college when I invited a guy I was dating to go to church with me.  He hadn't, to my knowledge, ever been to church before and, I'll admit it, I got really nervous and couldn't help but wonder what he was thinking.  Well, I didn't have to wait long because during the part where we were singing a song called "Holy is the Lamb", he leaned over and said to me, "Um, what's so great about this lamb?"  As in Baaaaaaaaaa...cuddly little lamb.

That moment will always stand as a very defining moment in my Faith.  As I sat there and viewed the world and Christianity through his eyes, I saw how N-U-T-S it must look.  In his mind, all he saw were these people standing around and singing about an animal?  That wasn't what was actually happening obviously but how could he possibly know that sometimes Christians refer to Jesus as the Lamb of God.  Or WHY we refer to Jesus as the Lamb of God.  And especially why that's worthy of singing about. 

I am SO. SO. SO. thankful for that experience. 

Since that moment, I have had the ability to see Faith through the eyes of both my personal beliefs and what it must look like to someone who hasn't ever heard, what I would consider, the Good News.  I'm always looking at the Bible with two sets of eyes...how do I read and receive this as a Believer? And how can I help the one who hasn't heard all the Christian "jargon" before wade through all the fluff to understand what's really important? 

The only thing I feel 100% capable of doing, at all times, is pursuing an authentic relationship with God myself and consistently acknowledging that my love for God is great...but my ability to fail and disappoint others is also great.  I've mentioned in the past, I'm not a Christian because I just drank the KoolAid.

Transitioning just for a moment, I typically don't do resolutions but I've changed my mind and I'm going to do one this year. Wouldn't it be a miracle if I just said something straight out? Well, here you go: my point in a nutshell. I plan to spend my year praying and asking God for a "Just One". At the challenge of our Pastor yesterday, I'm praying for "just one" person this year who comes to desire a relationship with Him because they found proof of Him in my life somewhere, somehow. That would be what our Pastor called a "No Lose" Resolution...and I agree.

The End. You can quit reading now if you want. The rest are just my personal thoughts I'm writing for the "record book".

Let me bottom line this whole thing.  I was recently talking to someone who was not a Christian and we were having a very open dialogue about Faith.  She asked me how I could believe in something so outlandish, in a sense, and I had to smile and say, "How could I not?" 

I believe, first of all, because I am personally convinced.  The more I study the Word, you'd think I'd find more reasons to not believe.  I mean, it's an old book.  Surely there would be plenty of discrepancies and loopholes that would make me see that being a Christian is sheer lunacy.  But, in fact, the opposite if true.  The more I study, the more I realize how consistent God is. 

In my mind, I can't figure out how I can "lose" by being a Believer.  Let's just pretend for a moment that it's 100% not true. Let's say I spend my life loving someone who isn't really there and I spend each morning reading a really old book with a great cup of coffee. 

Meh, so what? 

I would say, in that case, that in my darkest moments and hours, I have been given the gift of believing that there is something more to life...there is purpose in these daily struggles and glory in the moments of joy.  Also, as I read and study the Word, worst case scenario, I learn more about being a better person.  I become less selfish, more forgiving, and I develop deeper values and stronger convictions for how to treat others.  So I ask, have I really lost anything?    At most, I've lost relationships with those who can't tolerate that I'm "dumb enough" to believe in something I can't see.

At the end of it all...when my life is over and I get buried in the ground...what if I find there is nothing but dirt and darkness?  I ask you this: what have I lost?  I'll be dead. The End. My pride won't hurt even a little that I was wrong, I promise you. 

But what if, at the end of it all, I was right?  That there is More?  That I spent my life loving a God who sacrificed His most precious Son in my place so that all that was wrong with me could be made right?  That I read an Old Book that was able to show me more about how to be a more quality, Christ-like person?  Even if Jesus was only a good man, what would be so wrong with wanting to be more like Him?  What could possibly be wrong with loving my neighbor as I love myself or respecting my father and mother? Or not wanting what my neighbor has?  Or learning to be content with what I have? Or giving my "extra" to the poor and less fortunate?

If it's all true, as David Platt said it best: "How unloving do I have to be NOT to tell people about that Good News?"

So I pray and ask that this year, as I share my life in general, somehow YOU (my "just one")  whoever you may be, will feel the Pull and won't be able to ignore the Call.  I pray that each time you hear me talk about my Faith...deep down...you'll know its not because I lack intelligence or because I'm weak and need something to depend on.  I'm asking that, for all the things that you can say to yourself about why you shouldn't believe, HE will show you five more for why you should.    

Looking Back...And Moving Forward.

It's that time of year where you can't help but look back at where you've been for the last 365 days and make grand predictions about who you will be in the next year, what you will do, and what you won't do.  I mean, it's only natural that each year brings with it the opportunity for a "do over" and I'm thankful for that.  I love brand new starts with the same passion and intensity that I love clean sheets straight out of the dryer.  And that's a lot.  

In the last two weeks, I've spent a lot of time just enjoying the holiday season and my time with my parents and DW - first in Texas - and then now here in Alabama on our own stomping grounds. 

I'm especially thankful for one more year with this old man:   

If I was a comic book super hero, Tucker is the all-important sidekick and constant companion.  As in Batman and Robin.  Or if we are going with colors here, we go together like Salt and Pepper. Just saying.  13 years and 4 months ago, when I stopped my car to let the kids I was nannying play with a couple black lab puppies, I had NO idea that the one with the huge feet and oversized ears would sit quietly at the back of the play area while his brothers and sisters knawed each other's limbs off and would proceed to lock onto my eyes, willing me to take him home.  He wasn't playing with the others - even then he was King Tuck. 

While my parents have been here, we found the perfect couch for our "football" room as DW likes to call it. It's really the Den off of our kitchen but he likes to joke that its a perfect place to sit and watch TV and still be able to say to me, "Woman, bring me something to eat."   Uh huh.  Good thing he's so dang cute when he's being mischievous. 

Anyway, it was the last piece of furniture we needed to complete all the rooms in our house.  And DW is going to make me the coffee table (to scale for our room) that you see in front of the couch.  Woop!

And who better to end the year with than my sweet, beautiful Mom!  I finally convinced her to take a picture with me...another milestone for 2011.  ;-)

2011 has its fair share of ups and downs as any year does.  I started 2011 feeling absolutely broken after "surviving" another Christmas season without a child of our own.  But the Lord showed me, in the most unusual way, that He was (and is) faithful and He had not (and has not) forgotten me.  A month later I was in Australia and He showed me how life is filled with unimaginable opportunities and gifts that I would have missed out on had Life gone "according to plan".  In 2011, we finally made it Home to Birmingham after six years of hoping we would "one day" be able to get back here.  And speaking of Home, we bought our 1954 fixer upper dream house here.  We have had so much fun changing things and renovating and planning for "what's next".  

In 2011, the Lord began a long, long process of showing me that I desperately needed to learn what true forgiveness...HIS kind of forgiveness looked like.  It started with a study on Luke 7 and culminated in an event where I learned I am able to forgive as Christ forgives but ONLY by and through His grace and power.  It's still a choice every day and a discipline I'm working on.

I learned that I shouldn't try to always "make sense" of what I think He is doing on my terms.  And that the best place I can be is inside His will and "in the boat".     

In 2011, I learned that no matter how much I grow and change, I will always be my own worst critic. I've learned that others might not see life in the same way I do.  I realized that others might misunderstand my intentions and/or people won't always assume the best of me.  There will be people who won't like me.  My skin got a little thicker this year and I learned that I don't even need everyone to like me.  (shrugs shoulders)

I started...and actually finished...a Beth Moore Bible study.  It was both a personal and spiritual journey milestone.  I've never finished a guided study all the way through before on my own without accountability. 

At the beginning of 2011, I had high hopes that THIS YEAR would be the year that our life changed and we welcomed a baby (or at least a child of our own) into our lives - but that was not the case.  God did not give us a Yes or a No...we are still feeling our answer is currently a Not Yet.  It's been a long, long journey but we are not finished yet. 

It was this year that I truly fell in love with my Savior for who He is...not what He can do for me.  Although I didn't realize that was what I was doing before.  He is not God-on-Demand.  He is the Creator of the Universe and I had my role in the Universe sorely out of place.  While my life is important to me - and reasonably so - my life is not my own because I gave it to Him a long time ago. He will use it for His unique plans and for His ultimate glory.  I'm along for the ride...and so I will not put expectations on 2012.  I don't know if 2012 will be "THE YEAR" or not.  But what I do know is that He is good and what He does is good...and so the most joy, the most peace, the most contentment, will be found by trusting Him.  And WHEN He answers...I just want to make sure I remember where I came from.

It was this year, we went Gluten Free and DW's allergy to Gluten and my subsequent eating Gluten Free with him resulted in some shocking and amazing changes in my own body.  All the details about what and how it's changed me are neither here nor there, but let's just say my body is healing.

My one regret in 2011 is that I stopped taking so many pictures and didn't document the ordinary day-to-day enough.  Conversations between DW and I, dinners with friends, etc.  I plan to fix that in 2012.

So what do I want in 2012?  I honestly don't know.  I'm just along for the ride.

Where You Came From…

One of the fears I have, if I ever get pregnant, is that I will forget the way I feel right now. One might think it would be absolutely ideal to block out any remembrance of the pain and heartache that is infertility, but I recognize it’s become a part of me forever. I don’t wish to always be infertile, but I do wish to carry this journey of infertility with me so that I don’t forget what it feels like to walk this Road.

I don’t want to become a frazzled mother of…let’s say 3…and meet a young, married woman struggling with infertility and NOT remember.  I often tell myself, Don’t you dare one day offer clichés like “well, when you just relax and let it happen…” or tell stories about how “I knew this friend of a friend who started the adoption process and one month later..." Don’t you dare do X and don’t you dare offer advice of Y...you have been on the other end of those. You just SHUT YOUR MOUTH and listen as one who has been there. Do NOT undermine their journey should be tattooed on my body somewhere, I’m convinced.

As I was dreaming of what “might be” one day for me, I imagined a scenario where “Today” Me (as in not-pregnant, happily married w/normal issues, 33 year old Me) walks into a coffee shop and sits down across the table from a “Future” Me version of myself.  (Yes, I’m a little weird obviously.) As one would expect, when I stare across the table, I look into eyes that are familiar to me and I smile before I say to my identical twin, “Well, congratulations…”

“Thanks!” she says back, tears sparkling in her eyes. “I just can’t believe it.”

Me either, I say. I really didn’t ever think this day would come for you.

We sit together in silence a moment, remembering the road “we’ve” travelled together, filled with ups and downs, heartaches and lessons, but most importantly, a journey that stretched and grew Me emotionally and spiritually like no other journey could have. “Today” Me and “Future” Me both know we will move on from (one day) - but it’s important to never, ever forget.

She starts first: Well, I guess it’s a new Chapter, huh? and I nod. Are you feeling sick yet? I ask and she shakes her head “No, not yet.”

When are you going to tell people? and she shrugs and bites her lip. “I’m excited but kind of scared to.” and I nod because I totally understand. I’ve thought of it a million times before myself. IF the day ever came when I got pregnant, I’ve wondered how I could possibly tell those who have been on this journey with me that my life is different now. In no way better, but I’ve now received the blessing that we have all dreamed of, emailed about, talked about, prayed for...some of us for years. Those of us on the infertility journey who have walked together, hand in hand, know what I mean. But it doesn’t change the Truth. The fact that when one of us gets pregnant, the ones still dreaming of “their day” teeter totter between excitement and hope and joy for the other…and absolute heartache for ourselves. The Left Behinds.

“Well”, Today Me says to Future Me, “Just don’t forget how it feels. Don’t forget what this road has been like.”

After more conversation, its decided that we should write it down because we know…we’ve seen it happen over and over. We’ve seen those on "Our side" cross over to the “Other” side and it’s as if the years of dreaming and hoping and wanting and tears are suddenly forgotten. But I won’t forget.

I’ll start. I say and I write “To Pregnant Me…” and put a number 1 on the sheet of paper in front of "us".

1. Tell your fellow Sojourners first. Don’t hit them with the blow of finding out with the masses. Bring them in on your Joy before the rest of the world so they aren’t blind-sided.  They have walked this road with you and you owe them that. Give them their “moment alone” to process so that it doesn’t create more damage in their already hurting hearts.

2. When you start to feel the symptoms of pregnancy, remember that each time you pray to the porcelain gods, it is because Life (amazing, beautiful Life) is growing inside you. You wanted a baby more than anything. Now, deal with it and thank God for every stinking miserable moment. :-)  Remember how many times you wanted to tell people to “shut up” because you would give your left eye to know that particular misery. Nausea will go away. Energy will come back. Millions of women before you have done it and millions after you will as well. Just be thankful even though everything inside you tells you to complain. 

3. Don’t let your Joy at being a Mom let you become callous or immediately forgetful. Be mindful of the fact that motherhood is a gift of which all might not partake. Remember that just because your mind is suddenly consumed with baby thoughts and dreams and nursery décor doesn’t mean it should be the only thing you talk about. Remember what you loved before and who walked this journey with you.

4. When you do forget, be quick to say you’re sorry. Yes, you should be present and enjoy this new part of your Journey but please, please don’t forget how testy and emotional and hurt you felt as a Have Not. Be filled with Grace and Remember.

5. When your body doesn’t look the same anymore and everything is stretched out and doesn’t look the same, don’t trivialize the fact that you were given a unique and mind-blowing gift to take part in His Creation. Remember it is a unique opportunity to experience Your Heavenly Father in a way that not all will be given for one reason or another.

Can you think of anything else? I ask but we both agree that those things pretty much sum it up for now. We can always add to the list later when "Today Me" meets with "Frazzled Mom Me".

But that’s a whole different Coffee Shop conversation…

Manly Things & Other Weekend Fun...

DW's friend, Chris, came over to the house on Saturday to help DW cut down a tree that has been the bain of our existance since we moved in.  We didn't even realize that Mimosa trees could grow so big...and when they do, you can be sure that they will rain down crap all over your cars at all times, in all seasons.  So let me just say that I was stoked this particular project was going down.  Thank you, Chris!

I loved hearing the guys talking and laughing and just getting so plain ol' shoulder to shoulder time while they worked.  Friendships like these - those that stand the test of time and accept you for who you are unconditionally - well, they are just a HUGE blessing!  I loved seeing DW laughing so much yesterday and I admit, I found myself strangely attracted to DW doing what Paul Bunyan type men do. ;-) 

SO thankful for these two men...I love one with all my heart and the other truly like a brother.    

After Chris left and we got cleaned up, we headed over to Bob and Greta's house for Gluten Free Pizza and Movie night.  Again, it was a day of counting blessings as we were full up on good friend time.  We ended up watching "The Help" - which I'd seen before but couldn't wait to see again.  I loved it the first time.  Well, I say "watch" but I admit it, I fell asleep during the movie!  HA! I was tired.

On Sunday, DW and I took all THREE pups for a walk on a trail near our house.  Now that Macie is finally feeling better, she is quite the little fireball and makes me laugh! Her and Sam are super playful, which is nice because Tucker isn't much up for playing these days.  We had some sleepy pups after their walk and play time so it was great to come home and have a perfect Fat Kid Sunday on the couch until time for church (we go to the Sunday evening service).  All in all, a great and relaxing weekend...

In the Race...

I had a friend in high school who didn't really have "rules" and never got in trouble even for things that my parents would have skinned me alive for.  At the time, I remember being a little envious of all that "freedom".  What I realized later in life is that all that freedom really wasn't because this particular person's parent loved them more...it was because disciplining them took too much effort.  My friend later confessed to me that he was jealous that my parents cared enough to give me rules and to hold me to a certain standard.  That thought had never occurred to me.

I was reminded of that this morning when I was reading Hebrews 12:7 where it says: Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. For what son is not disciplined by his father? 

Truth: up until this year, I have never completed one single Bible self-study book in its entirety.  I've been in group Bible studies before and with plenty of accountability, I was known to do fine and I completed (most of) those.  But leave me responsible for my own spiritual growth and I struggled with consistent time and study.  To be even more truthful, I've spent most of my life feeling like spending time in the Word was just something to check off my daily "to do" list.    

___ Do Laundry

___ Pick Up Dry Cleaning

___ Spend Time with God

___ Take Samson to the vet

___ Lats/Legs/Run

___ Grocery Store

Check, check, CHECK, check, check...I tick off the responsibilites of my day and somewhere, squeezed in between the dry cleaning and the grocery run was my time with God.  And then one day it occured to me, what if I knew that my own name was on someone's "TO DO" list, buried in the other monotonous inconveniences of regular ol' life?  What if a relationship with me was just another daily responsibility that this "other" person found no joy in - only an ingrained sense of responsibility and duty?  

IF I knew that, would I find that relationship satisfying?  Would I find any pleasure in it? 

Keep in mind I'm speaking only to my spiritual journey and not judging anyone else if this is what their life and/or Walk looks like.  Honestly, sometimes friendships and even romance IS a discipline and it does have it's place.  There are times it takes just "showing up" before the feelings follow, no doubt.

But when I felt personally convicted of it, I had no choice but to look at my relationship with God a little differently.  He and I know that if the roles were reversed, I wouldn't be satisfied.  So it would make sense that He might point out to me that He wasn't finding my particular offering very satisfying, either.  The thing that kept coming to my mind was that He wanted my heartfelt offering...just showing up to "check" it off wasn't enough for Him from me.  He and I both knew it lacked heart. 

And so enter what I'm learning now...about how to present a heartfelt offering of my time and, mostly, a heartfelt offering of my affection.  I wanna want to know Him...every little last detail He will reveal to me about Himself.

David Platt, our pastor, recently presented a powerful message about how there are really only 3 kinds of people in regards to Faith...and hopefully I accurately explain what he said well and accurately because it applies here.  If not, my fault...not his.

1. there are those who outright reject it. I think it's pretty clear what this means so no need to expound here.

2. there are those who are content to observe Jesus.  Meaning they know who He is and what He has supposedly done and they see others become radically different because they love Jesus.  But I imagine this person an "armchair quarterback"...someone who is content to sit back and watch, who associates themself with the "team", and has plenty of suggestions on how things should be done but never really gets in the game.

3. and then there are those who unconditionally follow Jesus. As in, You are the Lord and my King and I will abandon all that I have and all that I am to follow you.

Used to, I would have said that #3 (unconditionally following Jesus) was hands down the scariest possibility since I knew I wasn't a #1 (rejecter). If I gave Jesus my life unconditionally, my fear was I would end up in a village in Africa somewhere. Or worse. What if I had to give all of my savings away and live in a cardboard box for Jesus.  Don't lie, you know you've thought something like that.  ;-) I kid.

But in the last couple years my heart has changed because without a single doubt...#2 has become the scariest possibility of all to me.

It literally makes my heart skip a beat in my chest to think I could only be an armchair quarterback or a sideliner...someone who mistakenly feels like I'm part of the team or a part of the race when all I really am is a casual observer. I don't want to be someone who watches others grow and stretch in their faith and passionately follows what God is doing in them - but somehow misses the fact that He wants to do something amazing in me, too, if only I'll let Him.

No ma'am...I tell myself.  That will not be me. Come what may, I will run this race...

This time of not getting what I want...I know it has been partly to discipline me and partly to show me how valued I am as His daughter...He wants me to love Him and need Him more...and I do! I've said it before, I am a better person for not getting everything I want right when I want it! 

This race I'm talking about...I don't just want to drag my dimply little butt across the finish line...I want to finish strong because I was prepared and because I knew what the race entailed.  Because I had trained for it physically and mentally and emotionally.  I don't want to stroll through the tape.  I want to sprint on through...

Oh Lord, more than anything I want to hear you say, "Well done, my Child..."

A Glimpse of What the Future Holds...

Over the last six years, I've opened up my life in a lot of ways on this blog...especially with regard to infertility.  So I feel like it would be a gross injustice to only talk about the heartache of my struggle and the "downs" but not share the moments where I feel happiness and joy and I recognize God's beautiful work in my life.  I'd probably consider this a ladies-only post though so fellas (if any) that read, that X at the top right is for you. 

I've mentioned before that I've never received a NO on pregnancy from God...but I've also never received a YES seeing as I have no children. I've hoped for pregnancy but have never been sure that's my "road" for this journey...but I also haven't yet felt this overwhelming "Call" that it was time to adopt.  The thing that I've heard a million times has been a NOT NOW.  I've been in limbo for a long, long time.  

I probably couldn't count the number of times that I've asked God to "just tell me NO" if pregnancy was out and, although there have been several times where I was sure my ovaries were just gonna shut down on me in answer to that prayer, it's never happened.  I've also asked for clarity...have the months and years with nary a pregnancy been the answer and it's just an answer I'm unwilling to face? 

Well, recently, I've had this quietness in my spirit.  A willingness to just "Be".  I'm never going to be ready for anything that comes my way - adoption or pregnancy.  I won't lie...on the times in the past where we did a fertility cycle, I've been equally afraid of finding out YES as I have been of hearing another NO.  WHAT is wrong with me? I've thought before...But I guess it all comes down to the fact that I don't care who you are...adding to your family is a game-changer.

But now, to the good stuff.  Yesterday I had a basic appointment with a new doctor so I could become a not-new patient anymore in case I needed to see her.  Ahhhh the joys of moving to a new city.  Anyway, let me keep this long story very short by saying that, after taking my medical history of infertility, she wanted to confirm some details herself and took a look at my ovaries via sonogram.  No one ever believes me that I'm severely PCOS because I don't have any of the external symptoms of this disease.  

She flicks off the lights to look at the screen and I save her the trouble of detailing my ovaries to the nurse for my chart.  As I've heard a kajillion times in the past 6+ years, I parroted the following: Uterus is tilted posterior...greater than 20 follicles on left ovary...greater than 20 follicles on right ovary...ovaries are abnormally enlarged.

I saw recognition dawn in my doctor's eyes and she glanced at me and said, "You've been struggling with infertility for a while, huh?"  Yup, a long time, I reply.  Well, she pauses and I see her squint to confirm..."You have all that right except the abnormally enlarged ovaries part."  

Huh? 

You ovaries look perfectly normal to me...she says.  The right one is just barely enlarged but the left looks great.  Obviously, as you know both of them are polycystic, though.  But I heard her say the last part of the sentence like she was in another galaxy as I processed the fact that she said my ovaries were NORMAL size.

Imsorrybutwhatdidyoujustsaytome? I slurred in my mind.  My ovaries have never been normal...not since I was 14 years old at my first well woman appointment and the doctor delivered the news that I had PCOS.  A few more steps later and I'm left alone in the room for a moment to change and I can't help it...I begin to cry in just sheer awe.  It was just this past May when we saw another shot cycle fail and my heart was broken.  JUST this past May when my doctor had said my ovaries our ONLY option was an IVF.  In June, we turned down the free IVF we were offered and even though I've wondered a couple times if I was crazy, I couldn't deny I was at peace with it.  No more meds.  Not because they were wrong, but our season of pursuing a family that way had come to an end.  We were tired.     

Slowly, but surely, in HIS time...He is healing me.  And you know what?  There isn't a doubt in my mind its because of all of those of you who are praying for us as you've promised.  For me.  For my broken, dysfunctional body that's been my worst enemy.  I just want you to know that your investment of prayer in this journey hasn't been for not.  He is answering and I'm begging you to continue to pray for us if you truly feel called to!  And thank you, thank you, thank you for the ones you've already offered up.

I won't pretend to know what the future holds, but I know that He is GOOD and what He does is GOOD.   

But Does It?

Recently I've been hit over and over with a "message" that has some eerily similar undertones to it. I can't think of any way to explain it other than to say that something deep inside me has begun take notice.  

We've recently connected with a new small group here in Birmingham through our church and I can't deny that, while I miss our small group back in Georgia, this group is equally incredible in its own way.  I walk away stretched and challenged and sometimes a little uncomfortable.  And I like it. 

Tonight in particular had me sweating in my chair because it was about the story of Abraham and Sarah and was detailing God's promise to give them a child and "multiply" them even though by all natural, rational expectations, this would not be the case for them.  I think it's pretty obvious why I take Genesis 12 and Hebrews 6:13-20 pretty seriously.  And, at times, find it painful.

I want, more than anything to believe that God's promise to bless these Abraham and Sarah, these two biblical "heroes", with a biological child(ren) might still apply to Dusty and I now, even all these generations later.  I mean, it's the Bible so one would assume yes.  Or at least I did.   

But does it?
 

Let me start with a verse we read tonight that might as well have been a neon sign in Hebrews that God put there for me. 

v 15 And so, after waiting patiently, Abraham obtained the promise.

I'll go ahead and be the first one to say it...I confess, I haven't been a patient wait-er.  If you've been reading my blog for any period of time you would be able to say that I don't just want children of my own - most of the time I'm anxious for it.  Time after time, I've begged God and pleaded for a child and month after month, year after year...here I am.  Still childless.  I've been waiting six years+...Abraham and Sarah had to wait 25+.  Wowsa.   

And, speaking of waiting, let me take a moment here to say something I've been biting my tongue on for a loooooong time.  Even if I know people have the absolute best intentions, I juust have to say it this once... 

You know what verse I wish I never, ever had to hear again?  Well, not ever...but NEVER again in the context of infertility?  Hands down: Romans 8:28.  "For all things work together for the good of those that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose." 

You know another one I highly recommend NOT saying to someone struggling with infertility: "For I know the Plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11)  Oh, and here is another one I just thought of: "If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you” (John 15:7)

I've got three words for those verses: OUT OF CONTEXT.

Please realize, I believe every word of all of those three verses wholeheartedly.  But I don't believe that it's quite so simple.  It's not love God and everything will be great and wonderful and perfect and life will work out exactly how you want it.  No. It doesn't say that.  We can pray and ask anything but what we think we need and what we actually need might be very different.  If God answered every prayer, I'd be in big, big trouble.  I respectfully submit that YES, our prayers will be answered no doubt.  But it won't always mean that it will be with a "yes".

What each of the verses points back to is that God has given us a promise that He alone is solid, safe, and secure and that each thing He does in our lives or allows in our lives - IF WE LET IT - will ultimately be for our good and for His glory...EVEN if it sucks right now!  I believe that.

What I don't believe is that the Bible or even us as Christians should suggest that loving Him will be easy. Just ask the 12 disciples...10 of which loved Him and gave up their lives for spreading the Good News but suffered and died the death of a martyr for the Cause.  I doubt if we were sitting a table with them they would say, "Yea, that following Jesus thing...Piece O' Cake."   

Here is what I have finally come to realize is this...NO. Abraham and Sarah's promise doesn't apply to me.  Having a child of my own may still happen if it's for God's glory and it might not because that will also be for His glory.  What IS, however, true for me about God that I feel were also true for Abraham and Sarah are these four things:

a. He created me and He knows what I want and, more importantly, what I need.

b. He grants me salvation because I'm imperfect and I desperately need Him.

c. My life - this whole up and down and around process - is about sanctifation.  It's a purifying process but I won't lie, it's gettin hot up in herrrr sometimes. 

d. At the end, He made a promise to me that says He will come back one day for His children and I'm one of those.  I have his covenant loyalty, meaning an unbreakable promise that He won't ever abandon those who truly love Him despite how it might feel at times.  And I know this: I truly love Him.

So that leads me to this conclusion...

Will I have a child of my own - as in biologically - one day?  I don't know.  But what I do know is that He's finally changing my heart to trust that whatever He does - like it or not - is for my good. 

Also, before I say it "out loud"...just know I don't know anything yet. Don't go gettin all crazy on me yet...just let me process.  But I still want to say it...


...there is no doubt my heart is slowly but surely opening to the idea of adoption.  Not because I'm finally giving up on my hopes and dreams and desires...but because my hopes and dreams and desires are getting broader.  They are rounding out.  Where once I heard birds chirping, now I'm hearing the beauty in their song.

I've been dying for - and so focused on - a child that would grow in my tummy...but what I'm realizing is that there is this new possiblity I'm finally willing to consider...

...that maybe, just maybe God is first growing a child of our very own in my heart.   

Seventy Two Disappointments Ago...

It's time for bed and I turn off all of the lights in the house and wander blindly down the hall.  I know the layout of the house and it's familiar to me but yet without the light illuminating my feet, I find myself walking forward more cautiously...more uncomfortably even.  Every now and then, as I do this routine, I find that there is something surprising in my path.  One trip down the hall, I run my fingers along the wall and end up knocking a frame off, shattering the glass that protects the image behind it. Another time my shin connects with a box that DW left in the hallway to be put in the attic at a later time.  Other times...many times...I step on or kick a dog collar or a dog toy...and wince in pain, dancing around on one foot. 

My point is that sometimes walking "blind" leads to a few surprises along the way.

This past Sunday, Dusty and I were sitting in church and the speaker was going through Ephesians 3 and was explaining how we should be bold and confident before God.  And as the guy continued talking, I felt tears of frustration stinging at the backs of my eyes.  

Bold and confident before our Father, huh?  Well, I don't feel either right now. I thought.  In fact, I started thinking back to the book of Ezra - where Ezra asked his family to fast and take time to pray that God would give them protection on a journey they were taking.  I love Ezra's honesty when he continues by saying:

"I did this because I was ashamed to ask the king for Infantry and Calvary to protect us from enemies during the journey, since we had told him, 'The hand of our God is gracious to all who seek Him, but His great anger is against all who abandon Him.'"

Love it.  Why? Because basically Ezra was saying, "So yea, we all need to pray reaaaaaaalllllyyyy hard because I boldly proclaimed that God would protect us on our journey.  So now that I've said that how can I possibly go back to the king and say, "Ummmm, I know I said I trust God and all but can you give me an Infantry and Calvary, you know, just in case?"  

The thing about living out my faith - the ups and downs - so publicly is that I feel like a chump sometimes.  Like Ezra, I want to boldly claim that I love and trust Him...but I don't want to make it seem like it's always easy or perfect...because it's not.   All of this journey is real for me but yet what stinks about it is that the readers get to watch me stumble around in the dark sometimes (ok, often) and hit my shin or bump my toe. 

About two weeks ago, it hit me extremely hard...six years of actively wanting and waiting for a baby.  12 months in a year.  At least 72 disappointments.  

I told DW that I feel like I can't say anything about infertility anymore because if I'm exhausted with thinking about it, how much more will people who don't know me be tired of hearing about it.  I've been keeping so much to myself lately for a couple reasons...but I can't not write.  Writing helps heal me somehow...it calms the wars waging within me.

God, do you care? I've wondered more than once as I earnestly pray, day after day...

Seventy two disappointments ago I would have told you that I was a Christian...and I was.  I'd accepted Christ as my Savior at 12 years old.  But I didn't spend time in the Word and I didn't know Him until years later. 

In late high school, early college...I began the process of "gathering facts".  Think of it like a relationship where you are dating someone and you are acquiring knowledge of them.  Does knowledge of some facts about them mean that you know everything? More importantly, does it mean that facts equal intimacy?  Do those facts you know even mean you truly know them?  I would submit that knowledge without intimacy means the relationship lacks depth. 

Seventy two disappointments ago, I began the process of losing myself.  I began the process of recognizing that the more my heartache grew, the more my need for Him grew as well.  If I separate my relationship with Him from this journey of infertility...well, I know for a doubt I couldn't do it.  I could not put one foot in front of the other each day.  I realize there are plenty of people who will never understand what I'm saying.  So many who will never, could never know the pain of infertility...but for those that do understand...man, it hurts, doesn't it?  

Seventy two disappointments ago...and this morning I open up the Word (after asking for Him to reach for me, remember) and this is what I read:

"It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees.  The law from your mouth is more precious to me than thousands of pieces of silver and gold."  Psalm 119:71-72

And I know again in my heart what I have always known.  The conclusion that I always come back to after each time spent in the Valley Low.  It's not a new epiphany...

My time struggling with infertility isn't for Not.  It's not an accident...and no matter that it often doesn't feel this way...it's a gift.  This time of affliction has been a time where I have found intimacy with Christ I would have not had otherwise.  Oh how this journey has changed me. 

First I went to Him so I could negotiate a bargain.  See God, I'll love you more wholeheartedly IF you'll just go ahead and give us a baby.

Then...out of sheer need for something to grasp onto. Because, let's face it, I couldn't survive without believing there was some bigger "good" that had to come out of all of this one day.

Later because I thought "If I could figure out what He's trying to tell me...if I can get this right...He'll give us a baby." 

And finally...out of love. Pure and simple adoration for Him.  I talk to Him because He is the only one who really makes me feel better.  I talk to Him because I know I can say anything to Him, ask Him any question genuinely - and He'll still be my Father and my friend... 

"If your instruction had not been my delight I would have died in my affliction..." Psalm 119:92

There are days it hurts so bad I want to just die.  And even then I talk to Him because I don't believe that He's mean or unloving or that He allows us to continually hope in something that He doesn't intend for me. 

Maybe its all best summed up in the words of an old gospel song by Norman Hutchins, "Lord, you are the Potter, I am the Clay.  Mold me and make me, have Your own way..."  I feel like I'm in the furnace now and this heat is uncomfortable.  Oh Lord, will you someday soon remove me from this fire and show me what you've made me to be? 

In The Words of Britney...

In the words of Britney Spears...oops, we did it again.  DW and I came from a holiday at Granny's with another abandoned puppy. To say we are dog-people might be a complete and total understatement, I realize.  To me, knowing a dog is suffering from hunger and lack of love is pretty much an abomination. 

And speaking of love, how could you not just love this silly face?  After the picture I realized that she was standing with one foot in each of DW's house slippers.  Made me laugh.

Wanted: Someone to love me 

Between DW and myself and our nephews, this little one got snuck a few table scraps from our Thanksgiving feast and was given quite a bit of attention. She was extremely patient with our youngest nephew who climbed all over her - which is always a great sign.

As we were loading up to leave for home, she jumped up in our Explorer...and we took that as a sign she picked us. :-)  We got her home and took her straight to the bathtub where she proceeded to get a 2 hour bath while DW and I picked every flea off her body with a fine tooth comb.  Once she was good and clean and flea-less, we dragged out one of the old dog bed covers we'd kept and showed her where "her bed" was. 

 

So far, in three days, we've worked on teaching basic commands like "sit" and "lay down" and "get in your bed".  We've started to get those down.  I know it's weird, but one of my favorites parts of having dogs in our home is teaching them how to communicate and obey their commands.  The best and most enjoyable dogs are obedient ones.

 

At night, to our great surprise, she climbs right in her bed on the floor and doesn't move until morning.  Easiest. rescue. pup. ever.  Anyway, once we've got her kennel and fully command trained...plus put some meat on her ribs, we'd love to find her a home.

Know anyone who could find a spot in their heart and a little rug space for this sweet girl?  You might wanna hurry before I fall in love and try to keep her. 

The Good Guy(s)...

As I've explained in a past post or two, there are great reasons to both have some fat on your body (but not in excess) and consume fat in foods.  Click here (but not yet) for more details and sources of healthy fats.

Continuing our analogy from yesterday...

If Leptin is the "bad guy" then I imagine Adi Pon Ectin (adiponectin) is the "Angel" on your shoulder.  I think of her a bit like a dainty Southern lady who nervously makes sure everything is working as it should.  Adi is married to Leptin and they live in Fatville.  But unlike Leptin, she doesn't work "against" us...she works for us. Adiponectin is a type A planner, watching for signals and cues to "step up" where needed.  As you'll see in a minute, she's also what I would call a hovering Mother-in-Law. 

But before I can really make you understand Adiponectin, I need to tell you about Adi's family members: her son-in-law, Glucose, and her daughter, Insulin.  Glucose and Insulin work together for the same Company called, "Bodies R Us" (excuse my lack of imagination).  

Glucose is the brawn of the company.  He's our numero uno form of energy and Glucose occurs when we consume (hopefully complex) carbohydrates. The body breaks the foods we consume down into usable energy and Glucose sets up a meeting in the bloodstream where he has a lil rendezvous with his wife, Insulin. 

Insulin is like the brains of this family organization.  The cells cannot utilize Glucose without Insulin for she is what balances this maniac out. Together they become the "Bonnie & Clyde" of our bodies...the energy and power source of our cells that help us "go" much like gas makes our car go.

Now, here is where the effects of Insulin matters in relation to weight loss and gain...

When our Glucose levels are high because we've consumed too much carbohydrates/sugars, Insulin sounds the company-wide alarm.  She essentially tells all the other "departments" (aka cells) in the liver, muscles, and fat:

"Hey, it's time to work overtime - we've got extra product on the floor!" 

When these Departments go into overtime, they convert the extra Glucose into a compound called Glycogen, essentially storing the energy for later use.  Too much stored energy = extra body fat.  Glycogen is our "rainy day" fund. 

Now that you've met Bonnie & Clyde, back to our Angel.  Adiponectin, is our mother-in-law hormone (that is produced in our Fat) and helps her daughter, Insulin, by regulating when Glucose gets out of control.  Basically, she helps regulate Glucose metabolism.  Thank you, Adi! When this hormone is really active and busy - mostly in people who are at a healthy body weight - there is a reduced risk of heart attack and better regulation of metabolism. 

Sadly it's been noted that low levels of Adiponectin are found in people who are obese (and who are at increased risk of a heart attack). Source  And since adiponectin also has anti-inflammatory effect in the body, this is one possibility for why people who are overweight mention that they tend to "hurt" more.  Adiponectin doesn't do her job as well when we get too big for our britches.  Literally.  So if you are overweight and suffer from chronic pain, getting to a healthy body weight may increase Adiponectin production and you'll not only look better...you'll truly feel better, too.

The take away? 

1.  Choose more complex carbohydrates and eat less refined, simple (often white) sugar
2. Get rid of your foods with high fructose corn syrup
3. Eat smaller amounts of foods more often so you don't overproduce glucose and cause insulin to signal the storage of "extra". 

Questions?  You know, besides why I'm such a complete nerd?

The Bad Guy

With the Thanksgiving Holiday fast approaching, I thought it would be a good time to offer some fitness specific information and advice on F-A-T.  Be lucky you're reading this instead of training with me today because I worked my FitLab clients biceps and triceps soooo hard today...so that EVERY single time they raised their fork to their mouth on Thanksgiving, they would think of me and be reminded of their goals.  ;-)  You're welcome very much, Client.

Back in the day, fat was just thought of as a spare tire that sits in inconvenient places on your body.  Well, to science anyway.  I still think of it as that inconvenient "issue" that many of us have somewhere unattractive.  As science has come to understand the "role of fat" in the body more, it realized that "fat" actually produces signals related to the metabolism.  I know, I know...right now you are probably thinking blah-dy, blah-dy, BLAH!  But keep reading...I promise, this is information you should know.

Did you know that Fat isn't just flub-a-dub?  It actually secretes hormones that send extremely important signals to the brain.  

So let's talk about these signals for a second.  Maybe I can help you understand some important things about weight loss, maintenance, and explain why you binge eat sometimes.  I kind of think of them as your proverbial "Devil" and "Angel" on your shoulder.  Today let's start with the Bad Guy.

Leptin - aka the "Devil" or the "Bad Guy" is not allll bad but I'm not a fan of this hormone that lives in your fat cells.  Imagine him as a little cartoon that lives where the fat lives.  When he starts seeing the fat calls decrease in size, he yells out a signal to the Brain. 

"Hey Brain, we're getting low on storage down here!"

The Brain responds, "Ok, Leptin, got your signal loud and clear..." and then the Brain sends a message to the body to eat more. 

Here's a couple ways that you can see this happen...

You know that point where you start feeling skinny and noticing changes in the body?  That point where the jeans fit and you start feeling positive about yourself...and then out of nowhere you just want to eat and eat and eat?  Well, you can thank Leptin for that.  He thinks he is helping you...and in a crisis, it's good to have him around.  But for weight loss, not so much.  To severely over-simplify it, it is one of the main reasons that those last 5-10 pounds are the hardest to lose.

Our bodies weren't created to lose weight...they were created to maintain Life.  So if you overeat and gain weight, that is one reason why it is ten times as hard to lose it as it was to gain it.  Your body has "defense mechanisms" in place to "save" you.  Conversely, if Leptin is sitting in his "spot" in your fat and starts saying, "Hey Brain, it's getting full in here..." the Brain responds by slowing production. 

Part of, ok well, MOST of our problem is our environment.  The more technologically savvy we get, the fatter we get.  Why walk to the next room to ask someone a question when you can just text message or IM them, right?  Wrong.  We are getting more fat because life has almost gotten too convenient!

Here's another reason that Leptin is the Devil. When you consume fat and fructose (fruit sugar), Leptin gets "sleepy" and takes a nap. Leptin isn't doing his job to signal to the brain what it should:

"Hey Brain, I'm full down here!"

Lower Leptin levels lead to overeating and weight gain because of overeating.  This is one reason High FRUCTOSE Corn Syrup is so bad.  If it blocks Leptin production in your Brain, you don't realize you're full until you're WAY too full.  One of the first things I tell my new clients is to cut out all foods with High Fructose Corn Syrup in the first five ingredients.  Go through your refrigerator and check out your condiments...you'll be shocked how many of those suckers have HFCS as one of the main ingredients. 

Let's see, have I said it enough?  High Fructose Corn Syrup is not your friend...no matter what those cheesy commercials tell you.  "It's just corn."  Yea, chemically altered corn!

Alright, you get the picture.  Tonight, your "homework" project - if you so choose to participate - is to go through your cabinets and fridge and do a self-diagnosis.  How many of the foods you eat have HFCS in the first five ingredients?  Big food companies will love you if you keep eating their foods with HFCS so that you'll consume more and spend more money, I promise...your body (long term), however, won't.

Tomorrow...the Good Guy.